In retrospect: 2007

Gosh where do i begin? this year has been such a breakthrough for me (this phrase must be the most frequentl used in Charismatic churches). i have done so many things that i never though i will evevr have the courage to do. have sex with men, put up a gay personals profile, meet a guy and now have a boyfriend. I really thank God for the opportunity to come to new zealand and to be able to embrace my gayself.

two days back was quite a happy one for me. i was as usual slogging away at the carwash when, once again to my suprise, Greg came in for a car wash. he waved at me and as my glasses were a bit smeared, i was wondering who is it but based on what i see the person should be greg no doubt, i cleared the glasses and have a closer look and there he is, smiling at me. i did most of his car and when he was about to leave i had a chat with them. some of my colleague must be wondering why i know so many middle age white man ( KJ went into the carwash once to look for me). he told me that the pool now closes at 6, i was dissappointed, thinking that i won;t be able to get off work until 5 something but the miracle happenned. my supervisor decided to close the place earlier and i was able to join Greg at the pool. we had such a nice chat together and i get to know more about him. he also seemed to open up more to me, not so much like last time when i felt that he does not want to have anything to do with me. we had some fun at the shower stall and i left. we exchanged emails and he will let me know when there is a chance for us to hook up. hihi. it was great.

back to the topic after veering away. as i will also spend most of the year 2008 in NZ i will continue to go for more things, am thinkin of going to a gay sauna and also a gay club, just to see how are they like. i have to make the most out of here before i go back to the wardrobe which will be waiting for me the moment i leave auckland.

cheers mate! Bonne annee and have fun.

Merry Christmas folks.

So how is it going with everybody for Christmas? busy shopping for presents? planning a Christmas dinner, doing last minute preparation? whateer ot is, i hope it will be a fine one.

as usual i spent my sunday with KJ. we went for a walk at domain and then had dinner at La Porchetta. i was a great day except when he told me he wanted to shelve our Rotorua plan until winter. i was at first ok with that, thinking that i would not have to quit my job earlier than i am supposed to, but then something stricke me and i got upset, as i went into my crying mode when he left, he did not know for sure why i cried, thinking that i am upset because he is leaving me for the day. but then, still controlled by my emotion, i went and wrote an email spilling all my feelings to him, somethig which i am regretting right now for doing. a spur of emotion is better be controlled rather than letting it control you.

but i was a bit angry at him for doing this. i am flexible and am able to accept the idea that we are not going to Rotorua in Feb. its just that we could have had the trip for very good reasons, Valentine's Day, his and my birthday are all in february and going on a trip would have felt like a honeymoon for us. he did make me look forward for the trip, even though he thinks that i would enjoy going with him to Hamilton for an airshow, i did not have the heart to tell him that i do not enjoy going to events like these. sometimes i wonder whether i was a bit too permissive or i was just being irrational and insist of having things my way that he felt burdened to meet my wants, but i even offered of chipping in for the trip. now i will wait for his response about it. not to mention i will not be able to celebrate christmas with him until Boxing day. but i am all ok with that.
will still be having fun with my friends as well.

Merry Christmas folks, and may the Good Lord bless you always.

i want something that i cant have

Once again after working today i went to Olympic, hoping that i can see Greg again. i went there and realised that somebody familiar has just walk away from the gym. It was him, i wanted to catch him and yelled out his name but i do not want to sound like a stalker, plus i cant reach him in time without having to shout at him, and so i followed him to his car, and looked at him from a distance as he unlocked his car and drove off. i sat there, looking at the car that drove away. suddenly i was overwhelmed with disappointment that i cannot begin to describe. the sense of being let down and sighing at my own fortune kept me sat down for a few minutes or so.

thinking that since i was already there, might as well go to the pool, but as i walk there i bumped into a guy who works there. He happens to recognise me and told me that the pool will be closed today and tomorrow for Christmas, much to my suprise. i was left to wonder whether Greg left after he swam or that he knew that the pool was closed too.

i wonder why Greg meant so much to me? he was not my boyfriend to begin with. but maybe because he was the first guy that initiate me into the gay sex. and that as i mentioned before, he was totally the type that i am into. if he was my boyfriend i will be thrilled. i would not mind if he was forty. and if i get to choose, i will pick him than KJ.

but he has a partner, and i was always so afraid to approach him, so as to avoid of him thinking of me as a stalker or a hook-up that will not go away. and so i hope to see him again. wishing for something that i can touch and feel but just can't have.

poor me.

Cruising

Being just recently embracing the gay life. i still find myself trying to learn some aspects in a gay man's life, one of these is actually, cruising.

when the word comes to mind, all i can think of is the Brian in QAF walking down the back room of Babylon, checking out meats to be his conquest. while this is, of course, does not happen in my life just yet, i still had my share of being cruised at.

my first experience was actually in Mid valley,KL. i was at the urinal stall. as usual, i will sneak a peak at the person next to me for some dick show. the guy beside me could not care less. however, another guy standing beside the guy i was checking out saw what i did and i think it strucked his mind that i am gay as well, so he stared at me when i was looking around and my stare fell at his face. moving his head he was trying to get me somewhere. i walked out and ignored him, but then he walked behind me and still trying to get me. so i shake my hand meaning 'no' and walked out, without looking at him. was too terrified.

my second experience was at the pool but will not talk further as i have a piece about it in my previous post. my last experience came yesterday, even now i still wonder whether i was right or i was mistaken.

was at downtown doing some shopping when i decided to pay a visit to the loo. as i walked into the loo another man came out from the door, he gave me this funny look. the look i guess most gay guys have seen it before, the 'cruisy' look as i. it was a strange look to me at first but then my recently activated gaydar sounded the alarm. a sister in the vicinity checking out on you. but then the whole thing ended there, unfortunately. I went into the loo and did not respond. he was an middle age men, silver cropped hair and quite good looking (once again, what is it between me and old caucasian men anyway?)

if only i gave a smile, which will of course lead to something else, but then it will be another story.

At the airport

Today Rebecca drove me to the airport to pick up my friend and her family who have gone down to South island for a trip. As we were approaching the airport my heart felt tightened. Will the feeling be what i will get when i leave auckland next year?

when the airport was in sight i yelled out ' i dun want to go back to Malaysia', Rebecca gave a head shake, i came out to her two years ago, but only admitted that the Howick friend was actually my boyfriend. she took it well. Thank God for another understanding soul.

as we stepped into the departure point of domestic terminal, my mind began to play a farewell scene in the future. my friends and I busy getting the bags checked in. KJ standing there, feeling lost and sad but tried to hide it. some of my friends who don't know who he is might be talking to themselves, asking who is that man and is he my friend? After the last call i will give him a tight hug, maybe telling him to be strong and do come to malaysia when he has the chance, you will be welcomed there, and wait for me, i will try to come back, as i walk away from him i will try to hold back my tears, and hope that none ofmy other friends knwo what actually happened. that i have to leave someone that i love and face the possibility of not seeing him again.Only God knows how many years more before i can come back to him for good,.

it was sweet that he actually thinks we can still be together after five years. i have to finish my last year and serve my teaching bond for four to five years before i can do anything about my life. i planned of getting the new zealand teaching qualification and land a teaching job. then i can go back to NZ and hopefully, i can teach in auckland and i can stay with him.

the plan was laid out but the odds? i might have to stay for extra years? that no schools in NZ will want a Malaysian teacher. i told him sometimes that he did not have to wait for me, with so many asian boys in auckland surely he can find somebody who is as sweet or even better than me. he refused to and said he will wait. i could have decided to end our relationship but i find it too hard for me to let it go. why would i want to let go of someone who loves me so much? and so i carry on, everyday thinking that i will leave him soon, and the clock is ticking.

sometimes i wonder why do i get into this? maybe i was too lonely and i do not really care who comes to me as long as he likes me. Now i have to face this kind of problem, one which i cant do anything about and hurts like hell.

as the whole convoy leaves for auckland city i sat in the car,imagining him smiling at me. 'will come and see you honey. and will wait for you, even for years.'

my tears rolled down. Oh KJ, don't.

Divaness

Based on my observation and also reading from blogs and watching movies, being gay has also been closely associated with being a 'Diva'. Most singing Diva are gay icons anyway. However, the fact that some gay men, not to say all, lest i offend the butch group of gays, like to sing and dance to their favourite singer and even impersonate them make me realised how gay i can actually be even before i realised that i like men.

i remembered back in high school where i could dance and sing to Kylie Minogue (yes the 'can't get you out of my head song). i was dancing, singing and even imitate her moves in the MTV whenever the 'La la la' part can be heard on the radio. My boyfriend brought me back to Madonna, which see myself belting out 'nothing really matters' with the moves in the shower. Watching 'Will and Grace' and seeing Jack had a impersonation fight with the real Cher to imitate her sees me also singing to 'All or nothing' dancing in the shower as well.

Some of my friends said that i can sing and dance. Singing? i don't really think so, its because i have a high voice (damn ! i could kill for a voice like Will Young or Clay Aiken), so i have difficulty singing low pitch but definitely no problem in singing high, even till falsetto. i always like to practice my voice like an acrobat by singing 'i still believe' by Mariah Carey, from the deep low till her signature whistle-blower note( well i dun think i can reach that high, but enough to make Daniel Bedingfield turn around . Haha perasan me.)

Dancing well i guess i deserve a little of the compliment. I do know how to dance a bit. i always feel like i should learn to do hip hop because i think i am made for it. my friends who thought i cant really dance were amazed when i went out clubbing with them once and jumped into the centre of our own group and pulled out my moves when the DJ played 'signs' by Snoop Dog. So i can def dance a bit.

i guess being gay the divaness is almost can be considered as inborn and you can't help expressing it, or else how can you explain the drag culture and also the trannies in the LBGT community? For me i totally embrace it, it makes my shower time more fun as i chose my impersonation icon for the day.

Summer plans

well i finished my exam two weeks back and the results were released today. i got 2As and 2Bs, not too bad, but it was worse then what i got last sem, i scored all As. but its not that i really care. just want to enjoy the NZ uni experience.

i started my job washing cars a few weeks back too. all men crew but sadly, no hot guys to feast my eyes upon. A few maori guys but they are not my type. two white guys but none of them look hot. one look like a criminal and his attitude was downright irritating. he would suddenly yelled at me when i did or even did not do anyhting wrong and the next thing he will raised eyebrow, gave a smile and a 'Hows it going mate', seriously dumbfounded. another guy looks like a guy whose name will be Robbie, though his name is not, looks like a young football player, school dropout. so non intellect, stay away from me please. my boss, hate him totally, he would come in for half an hour in the morning and start ordering people around and the next thing he is gone. though with great build (former league player) , he actually looked like the annoying version of george michael. Sigh* boring job.

meeting KJ as usual this week, have been hosting him at my room for two weeks now whenever we meet. it was a bit crazy knowing that i am making out with him while my stauched Christian friend is downstairs. but i dun care. makes it more thrilling and fun. some of my friends got to see him already, but then he remained as my Howick friend, not my boyfriend, or else (everybody gasp and fainted) it will be a major disaster.

have fun KJ, see you sunday.

Yeah! Met him again finally!

I was at the swimming pool the other day and guess who i met? It's Greg! After our last encounter in september i have been to the pool a few times and i did not bump into him. i went to the pool last saturday just for relaxation as i was studying hard and my summer job was quite taxing physically. so i went to the pool for relaxation, almost giving up hope of seeing him again.

last time i used to sit in the spa pool for half and hour just to wait for him to come into the pool. I will wait until i realised that i need to give up and go for showers. i was really mad at myself for not giving up hope despite not seeing him for almost two months already. however, just when i was going to take my stuff from my locker to hit the shower, there he was, behind the plastic panels that seperate the benches. our eyes met and both of us gave a suprised 'hi'. we had a brief chat and then we hit the urinals. once again the game began as both of us played with our dick after we peed. then we went into a shower stall (with a door of course) and start having some fun (well the usual kiss suck jerk KSJ). then he left for a swim and i went to the shower stall.

if you ask me i would definitely prefer Greg then KJ. not because he was the first guy i met but because he is, to me, more attractive then KJ. despite being chubbier, he is bald, something which i really like. KJ has refused to give up his few strands of hair which i find very irritating and made him look like a perv. but i did not feel any guilt of playing with greg. because its a no string attached fun and this time around, both of us are with someone.

however, i was made hopeful when he asked whether i will be around for the summer. i thought he would want to extend the shower fun that we had into something dry, hopefully. the thing is i can never know until he actually asked about it. and i for another thing need to sync my time so that i will arrive at the pool as he arrives. hopefully we can finish together and something can come up from there.

Even you might think that i am promiscuous and unfaithful, hey almost all gays are. See you this sat greg, and hopefully we will have more fun. hehe.

Emotional wreck

So here i am . typing this after enrolled myself in the PLU top blog listing. not that i really care if i ever made it to numero uno. just that i will love to shre my stories with other gays. as i sipped my cheap food town Pinot Noir, i try to recall what happened today.

i was excited yet nervous as KJ drove to his house. i am to meet his mother for the first time. luckily she seems pleased to see me. i brought a wine, thinking that she is cooking, but at the end it was i who do the honour (she just came back from England and still experiencing jet lag). so i cooked something and it turned up well biaseleh (Malay= it's usual). so i scored a brownie point from mother in law (not that i am marrying KJ anyway). we had a good chat and it was a wonderful evening.

however, i was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness that i started crying when KJ sent me home. i was sobbing and of course KJ was panicked, offering me clothes to dry my face and assuring me things are alright while driving. i felt so sorry for myself for being such a emotional wreck and making KJ worried for no apprent reason. even now i am still wondering why i broke down.

one thing that i realise is that i could be afraid of losing him. Though we look like the most unlikely couple i must admit i love him dearly. when we kissed today i held him so tight, as if i am holding on to a rock in a sea of waves. i guess i was also thnking of the fact that i might not see him this time 2 years from now. we can be together for only a year before we have to part ways ( i am to return to malaysia). the feeling of losing someone and the possibility of not seeing him again were too much for me to bear.

another reason i could think of is that i could be crying for joy. i welled up my feelings all these while. i was independent and live a loveless life. now that i have someone to love my emotion flows like a water bursting out from a dam. i guess it was good that i am trying to handle my emotion. especially come november next year when i am to leave auckland. i will need to learn to put things behind and move on, though KJ is dreaming of working out a solution for both of us.

whatever it is, i am just happy to be with KJ now. he could be old and unappealing but still he is my KJ. and i will love you always honey. and thanks for the flowers dear.

Do we have a future?

Yesterday was a bit hectic for me. so KJ decided to take the afternoon off to pick me up and go back to his place. i stayed there until eight, where he sent me off to onehunga for a church fundraising dance. as they play some heart-rendering love songs i was reminded of him.

it felt goo dot love someone,my heart flutters everytime i think of him. Even now as i am typing this. but it always comes with tears welling up in my eyes. I know that i will be going back to Malaysia in a year's time and this relationship, though wonderful and sweet as it is, is actually running on a ticking clock.

Honestly i really thank God for bringing KJ into my life. i was pretty alone when i am in auckland. i do not have a best pal or even a love partner. so having KJ is something sweet that i really cherish. but i know that after next year things will be complicated.

he thought that i am going back, teaching the four years bond and then i would come back to him. well if only things were that easy. i do dream of getting another scholarship to study in auckland again. but i know its another bond and i will never get back to auckland again. he would either be so rich as to sponsor my studies here. or he has to relocate to Malaysia. frankly, unless i get a miracle, i doubt if i could be in NZ together with KJ. If i could my my doctorate here in NZ and live here permanently, i will be forty by then and he will be sixty. what will happen to me when he is dead ? i will be left alone in NZ by myself, alone and with nobody else to live with.

apart from the fact that he is old and themoney issue, another problem lies in me myself. it's because evn though i like KJ, i cant really see him as a person i would want to spend the rest of my life with. in a way i think i dated down by dating him. if in Malaysia surely i can find a person who is around the same age as i am. i would love him for a year but i am reluctant to commit the rest of my life with him. circumstances show me clearly that a year is all that i have with me. i will not have anytime more with him. unless i try to change things, which i am very reluctant to do so. he will have to be the one who changes things.

i guess i will let nature takes its course, who am i to plan things. Let God decide whether KJ and I actaully have a future together.

I am lucky?

I went again to KJ's house,slept over, cooked again for him. and had a great time.

i now come to the stage that things may be too good to be true. I just seem so fortunate that i can get into a relationship when i went out dating for the first time. i have no idea whether KJ is the right person to be with. I mean there could be others who are more handsome, balder (okay but i like it) and younger than him? and i am not really sure whether he likes me because he likes me or because he has a fetish for Asians. if it's another cute asian boy he can easily get himself in love in another person.

but i think it's about taking the leap of faith. i will have to learn to trust that he loves me as much as i love him. despite all his shortcomings and his mediocrity of looks i need to learn to accept things as they are. at least he is sweet, brings me places, would not treat me as a toyboy, and is relatively quite romantic as well. he talks about the future for both of us, something which i am really reluctant to hear. not because he is not being realisitic, because i know deep down inside this relationship will need a miracle to sustain itself.

we went to howick historical village, having him snuggled me up at the dark corners of those old cottages made my heart melt. guess compare to most gay guy i am lucky to land a relationship for the first time. even though the sex part is lacking (we pretty much stick to suck and play), at least the intimacy and also the dinner, helding hands and also odd messages throughout the weekdays make me know that i have a gay love relationship. that even i want to complain about it, i know i already have much more than i can ask for. truly

I slept with...

I always find the line 'i slept with someone' means more than just having sex. maybe its a milder words to use then ' i fuck him/her' but to sleep with someone means more than just sex, as for me, i had a great experience last night sleeping beside my boyfriend.

i told him that i wanted to stay overnight at his place. i was eager to experience sleeping with my lover. i really want to feel how it is like to wake up and see your love one lying next to you. i guess i have heard too much of those cheesy live song but i believe it will be a great experience. as first he declined but later of the week he asked me to stay over (he happened to be free from his usual work). so there i was, happily packed my bags and waiting for him to pick me up.

i cooked dinner for him. He seemed happy when i cook something to him (which i think makes me feel like a housewife). we sat together watching TV before we adjourned to the bedroom. we made out before i knew it we were fast asleep. It felt great to hug him when we were asleep. Guess the bliss of loving someone and being loved can be overwhelming (my eyes are wet at this very moment). I know this relationship might not go far but i really cherish it for the experiences it brings. The feeling of love, intimacy, sense of belonging, the feeling of having someone to call your own. All these feelings i have missed out because i do not have a girlfriend (or boyfriend, now that i am gay) are now real and its part of me. He does make me feel complete. Oh I love you KJ. hope you are too.

If only those people knew what makes me look so different nowadays ( some of them realised it but do not hava a clue).

I have a Boyfriend

i went out with KJ today, we went over to his place at Howick. We had fun talking and playing ping pong. then we had something to drink and he told me he likes me and ask me to try a relationship with him. gosh i was so elated. i cant believe the feeling is mutual. he likes me too.

we sucked and played. its funny that he does not like anal sex. so we do not fuck (guess my cherry is safe once again). as i said earlier it was great having an intimate relationship with someone, especially when i get to kiss and hug him. it felt so good, Gosh i have really missed out all these years.

maybe he is old and that he may not be goodlooking (though his eyes remind me of matthew broderick) but at least he likes me. whether he would love me thats another thing but i am glad to find someone i can call my own. i have my own boyfriend too. and guess what he is a Kiwi. so cool. but i guess i will have to keep it a secret. all but one of my friends do not know the existence of KJ. will be discreet. i hope KJ would not mind.

thank God for him. really.

The online date continued

well i came back from my date today. i feel a bit proud as i have done quite a lot of things that can be considered as rites of passage. i feel that every day i am growing a little bit.

Well his name.. we'll just call him KJ. he looks better that what he showed me in his photos when i saw him today at a coffee shop downtown. i know he is bald and he may be reluctant to show me his hair but seriously, he reminds me of Matthew Broderick, my favourite actors. He does look boyish and well he does have his wrinkles but he is overall quite good-looking.

although he would not admit himself but i know he is a rice queen. he dated all Asians guys i think, chinese and Thais and even Indonesian. so i am kinda relieved. his gestures reminds me a lot of myself too, as he always looked a bit puzzled over things and a bit hasty in doing things. He is gentle, sweet and soft spoken. seriously today i thought i have had a date with Matthew Broderick.

he gave me a lift to Olympic pool today. we did some chatting as he drove and gosh there i was, imagining him to be my boyfriend. i feel kinda weird and i guess i am a bit too hopeful over things. i sure did my best to look interested in him but i have no idea how he felt about me. i could be one of his many dates. and he knows i cant commit long term. even if we are together we will be only until november next year. if we were in too deep both of us will be heart broken.
i have no idea but i hope the feelings are mutual, i can only pray for the best.

but i guess the best part was when i gave him a kiss on his cheek before i left his car. gosh i never thought i am so affectionate. he looked a bit suprised when i did that. No idea why. but i feel it is sweet if we can be together, i mean seriously i might be opening up myself to love and to be loved at the same time. am nervous but am definitely looking forward to it.

we will meet again next week, for a dinner, and see how things go, lucky enough i might even get more that a bf, i might get laid. haha

Online date?

i made so many blog entries this month. so much that i am proud of myself.

talking about that i am seeing somebody that i met online. not even met but i just messaged him a few timew. we'll call him K and its weird that i am doing that. gosh my life is practically turned upside down this months, i guess the last thing that i have not done is to out myself.

back to the subject, i am to meet him this sunday, place and time yet to be confirmed. i am a bit nervous. first of all i have never gone out to meet somebody like online dating. this is so weird. and i have no idea what i am looking forward from this meeting. whether i want a gay friend or actually. finally a Gay NZ boyfriend. but i hope for the best. maybe things can go further.

but the issue is ,sigh*, again, age. he is forty. yeah i know i am fulfilling the stereotype again but i dont want to miss the chance to meet guys just because they are old. and he is not sixty. he looks alright, not the type i like but he does not look too bad either. so i am keeping my fingers crossed. hope he is not the fem queen type, i am pretty much a queen myself (well i kinda internalized it, so i look pretty straight , except sudden burst of femme in me occasionally.) well i hope for the best. should learn not to expect things and most of all, be prepared to face rejections of any kind. its gay life, its hard

Being a GAM, Greg and first love

i was out of my mind today, i went to Olympic swimming pool for 45 mins, just to get myself a chance to play with my 'friend' Greg. We had a brief session as we all are rushing somewhere. looking at him i am thrown into deep thought.

being a recently professed GAM in New Zealand, i am well aware of the gay community of NZ even when i am not at all into the whole gay scene yet. i know that Gay Asians usually become the target for the older GWM who either not attractive enough to find a GWM or the weird type. We are the second best after young GWM. Looking at myself and Greg, i dun really see why i should not disagree with the notion i presented just now.

nevertheless i felt that both of us were different case somewhat. first of all he has a partner, i am just a buddy he fools around with. he does not seem to ignore me even after we have met a few times. and most of all, i am not even complaining even when he is bald, a bit on the chub side and unappealing.

i watched gay films and tv series not just for fun, but also to learn the hooks and nooks of being a gay guy. one rule i have learnt is never fall in love with your fuck (not till that stage for me yet) buddies. i know greg has a partner, despite of what he said to me i know i could be one of his many hookups. It is usually for guys to fall with the guy they first had sex with. i guess i tried very hard not to fall into the category. Still i feel some lost whenever i have to leave. i have never fallen in love before and Greg, though old as he is, is actually the type of guy that i like. i like older man, caucasian, cute or handsome, preferably bald (it turns me on and i have no idea) and he fits into all the requirements, except the chubby part. the older man factor is not that i dun have a choice or have given up, just that i hope the person i love can fill in the lost father figure in my life, just like how i used to fall in love with my college lecturer.

but i try to keep the feelings aside. knowing that harbouring any feelings for anybody in New Zealand will only bring pain when i leave here.i shall be strong and not to love. being gay is hard, being a loveless and heartless gay is even harder. but hey, i dont really have a choice do i?

Regarding Billy

really need to commend Veoh for having all these good gay films available online. I watched this one today. there were only three people in the show but the show is very touching albeit simple plot. the affection tension between Billy and Dean exploded in a very heart-warming way.i cried when Billy told Dean about how he felt about him. i cried and my heart felt this pain that is so clear and i realise that i have been living alone pretty much all these years. Even though i am close to my mum, but i am closing my feelings to most people. suddenly i felt that i need somebody to love me for real. Even God and Jesus can do as much. i feel sorry for myself and sometimes i wonder when all these feelings will ever go away. it pains me and i can really cry my heart out but it will be the same the next day and the day after.

Oh God!

Living in New Zealand

i was sitting with my friends in a function at Crowne Plaza in downtown Auckland today, watching people dancing on the dance floor and a singer couple belting up the oldies and the atmosphere was very merry. however my mind started to wander and before i knew it a surge of pain strike my heart. Once again i am thinking about myself.

Sometimes i wonder whether to take up this scholarship was a right choice at all. I really thank God for the opportunity to come to new zealand to study and get to realised my anglo-madness. i have always wanted to be an european and to speak english and French. not to the extent of hating myself being born an Asian but i really hope that one day i can be a almost real european.

I wonder whether i will ever get the chance to further my studies abroad after doing my course in New Zealand. I dreamt of going to UK for my master and suprisingly, Canada for my Ph.D. then i hope of meeting some girl (maybe more like guy),preferably a French Canadian and then fall in love and get married. Gay marriage is legalised there and i can live there for the rest of my life. this all seem too far fetch and i cant even think about what will happen to me after i graduated and start working. In malaysia there is no way i could be able to be gay. one is that it is illegal to do so and secondly, there are people that i know from family members, friends and church. i cant imagine waht my godfather will think if he finds out that i am gay. in some way or another i am trapped and i will never have a chance to be what i really am. it pains me to think about all this, having to put up with a mask always in front of people, being a person that you want others to think of you. when would i ever get to be myself.

sometimes all these questions cause me to think how great it would be to live in NZ, i can be myself, nobody will really know me. i can be what i want to be. folks back home will never know too much about me.such a bliss.

latter days

watched the film. i accidentally fond out about the show when i was looking for some old shows. was really good. have not felt such a surge of feeling since 'brokeback mountain'.

the show almost feel like the gay version of romeo and juliet. two 'star-crossed lovers' who fight against all odds to stay together. it was so sad when aaron died after he committed suicide. at least the twist of the story makes me know that this show will not have a sad ending (after BBM of course).

the two guys are hot. of course i prefer aaron to christian. seriously cant stand guys with long hair. i always like guys with short hair. bald, crew cut, caesar, whichever.

its sad to see how people can react agaist homosexuality, especially through the religious lenses. how gays are looked as evil and should rot in hell. guess that is one of the reason why i cant come out. not only i love my faith too much but also what others might think of me.

also watched 'eating out' and 'Boy culture'. Q Alllan brocka's stuff, apart of the eyue candy and nudity, have not been really good.

wondering if there are any gay films that i can watch?

My first time

i came back from swimming pool today feeling a bit disoriented. i could not believe what had happened to me just now. the reality is trying to sink itself into my mind. i felt proud yet guilty at the same time. i had my first taste of having a jerk off session with a man.

i was at the swimming pool ,putting on my clothes after a hot bath. as usual i was feasting on the naked guys that are all around me. then there was this guy who looks kinda cute, chubby and tall caucasian. he gave me a smile and i smile back. he looks a bit restless and keep looking at me. i wa thinking either he was doing the same thing i have been doing, or he is condemning me inside for my pervertness. then he took off his pants and was walking around naked. when i was washing my swimming trunks he went to the basin, when i went to the urinal he went there as well. As i had experience of being followed by a gay guy before in KL (of which i gracefully rejected), i knew that this guys was hitting on me and he is, obviously, gay. i turned to him and smile, i guess i just confirmed that i am gay and am interested for a bathroom visit. he whispered, 'shall we go to the toilet outside? i am a bottom' i nodded and went along. as we walk there i was thinking, of my goodness what have i got myself into, i am going to have sex, for the first time, with a caucasian guy.

it all started the moment he closed the bathroom door, it was a disabled toilet which is quite spacious. i told him it's my first time and i was a bit nervous. He gave a smile and said no worry, that s when it all began. he took off his pants and helped me with my pants and shirt, he went straight to my dick and suck it. it was first time i was sucked, felt a bit funny . he was hard. then we kiss. that's the funny part, because i have never kissed before i felt a bit weird kissing a guy, with the tongue and teeth and all. his dick was a bit bigger than mine. i think it felt magical the moment i held his dick. it was like dream come true after watching porn for so long, because i always wondered how it feels like to have sex with a a guy. well i almost had it all. we kissed, jerked, sucked each other until he came. i, meantime, because of too nervous and also have been jacking off for too many times this week, failed to come. however, knowing that he came gave me a relief, if i did not enjoyed it, at least he did.

he told me his name is Quake, or Quaid, i did not really get that. The whole thing was a relief for me. obviously i am gay now. it felt quite good when he fingered my ass, and i fingered his too. and to kiss and hug a guy was a great feeling, it feels nice to hold a strong man. gosh i could be into bears. and i also sucked his cock too. It felt weird too but it was nice, now i know what deep throating is. he asked me after whether i have a partner, i told him that i am still in closet, he said 'one day you will find one'. How i hope he was right. i will love to have a caucasian boyfriend, if only that is possible.

i walked back a changed person, now i hope i get to do a real sex,with anal penetration and all that. but now, i guess i have to admit that i am gay.

now how about swimming next saturday?

Will and Grace

Have been watching Will & Grace via TV-links. the character is so cool, especially will and Jack. Well Jack is the typical flamboyant Queen type (similiar to emmett in QAF, maybe without the appalling clothing sense). but Will, oh he is just the type i will kill for to have as a boyfriend. Well actually i do not even mind having a gay nerdy type(Chris, he is so Dr. Daniel Jackson in Stargate), but as usual i keep them in my heart. some of my friends know of the person i have a crush on but the actual person will not know anything. if only i have the courage to tell them that i like them.

watching Will and Grace gives me a escape mechanism from the homophobic world to the world where i can enjoy gay comedy shows just because i can identify with the gay character played so well by Eric Mccormack (sigh* if only he is not straight). hopefully i can be well off, have a professional career (ELT lecturer or professor ) live in a uptown apartment in Damansara, drives a nice sedan and wears Dockers and Padini. it is my dream and i will try to achieve it. and the gay side? well i might keep it until one day i can face it by myself and actually do something conclusive about it.

To be or not to be

i was bored soi went to you tube and searched for some videos to watch. i was watching a few coming out story and once again i was thrown into the dilemma of coming out.

i always know that i am diffrent somewhat. my obsession with penis began even when i was a kid. i sneek on my dad's and my grandad's just see how it is like. i get turned on whenever a guy is half naked in the TV show. i keep that all to myself. the gay self has always been in me,waiting for me to grow up and to realize that as a fact.

well the reality kicked in when i was twelve. i was 'in love' with this school teacher of mine and i even cried knowing that i will not see him again as i am moving to middle school. later throughout the years i have ended up having 'crushes' on so many guys, from school seniors, to celebrities and teachers and the last one is a lecturer whom i get myself really close to. it pains me to know that deep inside i could not love a woman. i can only love a man as a man and of course it is a total abomination.

i really doubt if i can ever come out and admit that i am gay. there are too many reasons why i should not do that. forst of all it will break my parents hearts. they are prejudiced of gays and they think gays are sick and disgusting. How would they feel if their son is actually one of those sick guys too? Few years back i have embaced Catholicism and i love my faith too much to let it go. Catholic church never ackowledge that being gay is sinful but to act out the feelings that you are gay is wrong. Being gay is a calling to celibate and to devote yourself to God's work. well that sound very holy but i do not think i will take that as a option. why must i be denied a life of pleasure just because i am so different from others? All these are such a dilemma that i sometimes worried of my future even by just thinking about it. i know myself too well that i will not force myself to do something that i would not do and i doubt that i will actually marry a girl and start a family just because it is the right thing to do in the eyes of the society. i might stay single and died alone, or i could discern my calling of becoming a priest or a La Salle brother (i dun know why i like that order anyway), or i could migrate somewhere (Canada) and start a newlife and embrace the gay part of me. io have many options but i still have the luxury of procrastination. i can keep it aside until i graduate and start working. then i will know better what i need to do with my life i guess.

Sigh* its hard being me, really.

Milton Henry

gosh men, i wasat school today and i think i am falling in love woth the literacy tutor name Milton henry. gosh he is so cute. wonder how he felt if he finds out that his students is having a cruch on him.

i dont know why but i was captivated by his height, his gentleness, and his eyes, oh those pair of eyes that speak of enthusiasm and love. i love his voice and his shirt. goodness this is becoming my obsession. this is not healthy. Am i gonna live like this for the rest of my life, loving or being obsessed with a man one after another?

today i went back to my room and actually cried. there was this surge of pain in my heart and i dont know how to romove it. it pains me so much that i need to cry it out to alleviate the pain. Guess that's the pain of being in the closet. you know you are gay but you cant express it.

now i wonder whether if he googles his name he would end up at my blog. then he can start guessing who the heck he is that admires him in silence. i am sure he would have a hard time finding that out.