At the airport

Today Rebecca drove me to the airport to pick up my friend and her family who have gone down to South island for a trip. As we were approaching the airport my heart felt tightened. Will the feeling be what i will get when i leave auckland next year?

when the airport was in sight i yelled out ' i dun want to go back to Malaysia', Rebecca gave a head shake, i came out to her two years ago, but only admitted that the Howick friend was actually my boyfriend. she took it well. Thank God for another understanding soul.

as we stepped into the departure point of domestic terminal, my mind began to play a farewell scene in the future. my friends and I busy getting the bags checked in. KJ standing there, feeling lost and sad but tried to hide it. some of my friends who don't know who he is might be talking to themselves, asking who is that man and is he my friend? After the last call i will give him a tight hug, maybe telling him to be strong and do come to malaysia when he has the chance, you will be welcomed there, and wait for me, i will try to come back, as i walk away from him i will try to hold back my tears, and hope that none ofmy other friends knwo what actually happened. that i have to leave someone that i love and face the possibility of not seeing him again.Only God knows how many years more before i can come back to him for good,.

it was sweet that he actually thinks we can still be together after five years. i have to finish my last year and serve my teaching bond for four to five years before i can do anything about my life. i planned of getting the new zealand teaching qualification and land a teaching job. then i can go back to NZ and hopefully, i can teach in auckland and i can stay with him.

the plan was laid out but the odds? i might have to stay for extra years? that no schools in NZ will want a Malaysian teacher. i told him sometimes that he did not have to wait for me, with so many asian boys in auckland surely he can find somebody who is as sweet or even better than me. he refused to and said he will wait. i could have decided to end our relationship but i find it too hard for me to let it go. why would i want to let go of someone who loves me so much? and so i carry on, everyday thinking that i will leave him soon, and the clock is ticking.

sometimes i wonder why do i get into this? maybe i was too lonely and i do not really care who comes to me as long as he likes me. Now i have to face this kind of problem, one which i cant do anything about and hurts like hell.

as the whole convoy leaves for auckland city i sat in the car,imagining him smiling at me. 'will come and see you honey. and will wait for you, even for years.'

my tears rolled down. Oh KJ, don't.