Living in New Zealand

i was sitting with my friends in a function at Crowne Plaza in downtown Auckland today, watching people dancing on the dance floor and a singer couple belting up the oldies and the atmosphere was very merry. however my mind started to wander and before i knew it a surge of pain strike my heart. Once again i am thinking about myself.

Sometimes i wonder whether to take up this scholarship was a right choice at all. I really thank God for the opportunity to come to new zealand to study and get to realised my anglo-madness. i have always wanted to be an european and to speak english and French. not to the extent of hating myself being born an Asian but i really hope that one day i can be a almost real european.

I wonder whether i will ever get the chance to further my studies abroad after doing my course in New Zealand. I dreamt of going to UK for my master and suprisingly, Canada for my Ph.D. then i hope of meeting some girl (maybe more like guy),preferably a French Canadian and then fall in love and get married. Gay marriage is legalised there and i can live there for the rest of my life. this all seem too far fetch and i cant even think about what will happen to me after i graduated and start working. In malaysia there is no way i could be able to be gay. one is that it is illegal to do so and secondly, there are people that i know from family members, friends and church. i cant imagine waht my godfather will think if he finds out that i am gay. in some way or another i am trapped and i will never have a chance to be what i really am. it pains me to think about all this, having to put up with a mask always in front of people, being a person that you want others to think of you. when would i ever get to be myself.

sometimes all these questions cause me to think how great it would be to live in NZ, i can be myself, nobody will really know me. i can be what i want to be. folks back home will never know too much about me.such a bliss.