Emotional wreck

So here i am . typing this after enrolled myself in the PLU top blog listing. not that i really care if i ever made it to numero uno. just that i will love to shre my stories with other gays. as i sipped my cheap food town Pinot Noir, i try to recall what happened today.

i was excited yet nervous as KJ drove to his house. i am to meet his mother for the first time. luckily she seems pleased to see me. i brought a wine, thinking that she is cooking, but at the end it was i who do the honour (she just came back from England and still experiencing jet lag). so i cooked something and it turned up well biaseleh (Malay= it's usual). so i scored a brownie point from mother in law (not that i am marrying KJ anyway). we had a good chat and it was a wonderful evening.

however, i was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness that i started crying when KJ sent me home. i was sobbing and of course KJ was panicked, offering me clothes to dry my face and assuring me things are alright while driving. i felt so sorry for myself for being such a emotional wreck and making KJ worried for no apprent reason. even now i am still wondering why i broke down.

one thing that i realise is that i could be afraid of losing him. Though we look like the most unlikely couple i must admit i love him dearly. when we kissed today i held him so tight, as if i am holding on to a rock in a sea of waves. i guess i was also thnking of the fact that i might not see him this time 2 years from now. we can be together for only a year before we have to part ways ( i am to return to malaysia). the feeling of losing someone and the possibility of not seeing him again were too much for me to bear.

another reason i could think of is that i could be crying for joy. i welled up my feelings all these while. i was independent and live a loveless life. now that i have someone to love my emotion flows like a water bursting out from a dam. i guess it was good that i am trying to handle my emotion. especially come november next year when i am to leave auckland. i will need to learn to put things behind and move on, though KJ is dreaming of working out a solution for both of us.

whatever it is, i am just happy to be with KJ now. he could be old and unappealing but still he is my KJ. and i will love you always honey. and thanks for the flowers dear.