Do we have a future?

Yesterday was a bit hectic for me. so KJ decided to take the afternoon off to pick me up and go back to his place. i stayed there until eight, where he sent me off to onehunga for a church fundraising dance. as they play some heart-rendering love songs i was reminded of him.

it felt goo dot love someone,my heart flutters everytime i think of him. Even now as i am typing this. but it always comes with tears welling up in my eyes. I know that i will be going back to Malaysia in a year's time and this relationship, though wonderful and sweet as it is, is actually running on a ticking clock.

Honestly i really thank God for bringing KJ into my life. i was pretty alone when i am in auckland. i do not have a best pal or even a love partner. so having KJ is something sweet that i really cherish. but i know that after next year things will be complicated.

he thought that i am going back, teaching the four years bond and then i would come back to him. well if only things were that easy. i do dream of getting another scholarship to study in auckland again. but i know its another bond and i will never get back to auckland again. he would either be so rich as to sponsor my studies here. or he has to relocate to Malaysia. frankly, unless i get a miracle, i doubt if i could be in NZ together with KJ. If i could my my doctorate here in NZ and live here permanently, i will be forty by then and he will be sixty. what will happen to me when he is dead ? i will be left alone in NZ by myself, alone and with nobody else to live with.

apart from the fact that he is old and themoney issue, another problem lies in me myself. it's because evn though i like KJ, i cant really see him as a person i would want to spend the rest of my life with. in a way i think i dated down by dating him. if in Malaysia surely i can find a person who is around the same age as i am. i would love him for a year but i am reluctant to commit the rest of my life with him. circumstances show me clearly that a year is all that i have with me. i will not have anytime more with him. unless i try to change things, which i am very reluctant to do so. he will have to be the one who changes things.

i guess i will let nature takes its course, who am i to plan things. Let God decide whether KJ and I actaully have a future together.