Being a GAM, Greg and first love

i was out of my mind today, i went to Olympic swimming pool for 45 mins, just to get myself a chance to play with my 'friend' Greg. We had a brief session as we all are rushing somewhere. looking at him i am thrown into deep thought.

being a recently professed GAM in New Zealand, i am well aware of the gay community of NZ even when i am not at all into the whole gay scene yet. i know that Gay Asians usually become the target for the older GWM who either not attractive enough to find a GWM or the weird type. We are the second best after young GWM. Looking at myself and Greg, i dun really see why i should not disagree with the notion i presented just now.

nevertheless i felt that both of us were different case somewhat. first of all he has a partner, i am just a buddy he fools around with. he does not seem to ignore me even after we have met a few times. and most of all, i am not even complaining even when he is bald, a bit on the chub side and unappealing.

i watched gay films and tv series not just for fun, but also to learn the hooks and nooks of being a gay guy. one rule i have learnt is never fall in love with your fuck (not till that stage for me yet) buddies. i know greg has a partner, despite of what he said to me i know i could be one of his many hookups. It is usually for guys to fall with the guy they first had sex with. i guess i tried very hard not to fall into the category. Still i feel some lost whenever i have to leave. i have never fallen in love before and Greg, though old as he is, is actually the type of guy that i like. i like older man, caucasian, cute or handsome, preferably bald (it turns me on and i have no idea) and he fits into all the requirements, except the chubby part. the older man factor is not that i dun have a choice or have given up, just that i hope the person i love can fill in the lost father figure in my life, just like how i used to fall in love with my college lecturer.

but i try to keep the feelings aside. knowing that harbouring any feelings for anybody in New Zealand will only bring pain when i leave here.i shall be strong and not to love. being gay is hard, being a loveless and heartless gay is even harder. but hey, i dont really have a choice do i?