Do we have a future?

Yesterday was a bit hectic for me. so KJ decided to take the afternoon off to pick me up and go back to his place. i stayed there until eight, where he sent me off to onehunga for a church fundraising dance. as they play some heart-rendering love songs i was reminded of him.

it felt goo dot love someone,my heart flutters everytime i think of him. Even now as i am typing this. but it always comes with tears welling up in my eyes. I know that i will be going back to Malaysia in a year's time and this relationship, though wonderful and sweet as it is, is actually running on a ticking clock.

Honestly i really thank God for bringing KJ into my life. i was pretty alone when i am in auckland. i do not have a best pal or even a love partner. so having KJ is something sweet that i really cherish. but i know that after next year things will be complicated.

he thought that i am going back, teaching the four years bond and then i would come back to him. well if only things were that easy. i do dream of getting another scholarship to study in auckland again. but i know its another bond and i will never get back to auckland again. he would either be so rich as to sponsor my studies here. or he has to relocate to Malaysia. frankly, unless i get a miracle, i doubt if i could be in NZ together with KJ. If i could my my doctorate here in NZ and live here permanently, i will be forty by then and he will be sixty. what will happen to me when he is dead ? i will be left alone in NZ by myself, alone and with nobody else to live with.

apart from the fact that he is old and themoney issue, another problem lies in me myself. it's because evn though i like KJ, i cant really see him as a person i would want to spend the rest of my life with. in a way i think i dated down by dating him. if in Malaysia surely i can find a person who is around the same age as i am. i would love him for a year but i am reluctant to commit the rest of my life with him. circumstances show me clearly that a year is all that i have with me. i will not have anytime more with him. unless i try to change things, which i am very reluctant to do so. he will have to be the one who changes things.

i guess i will let nature takes its course, who am i to plan things. Let God decide whether KJ and I actaully have a future together.

I am lucky?

I went again to KJ's house,slept over, cooked again for him. and had a great time.

i now come to the stage that things may be too good to be true. I just seem so fortunate that i can get into a relationship when i went out dating for the first time. i have no idea whether KJ is the right person to be with. I mean there could be others who are more handsome, balder (okay but i like it) and younger than him? and i am not really sure whether he likes me because he likes me or because he has a fetish for Asians. if it's another cute asian boy he can easily get himself in love in another person.

but i think it's about taking the leap of faith. i will have to learn to trust that he loves me as much as i love him. despite all his shortcomings and his mediocrity of looks i need to learn to accept things as they are. at least he is sweet, brings me places, would not treat me as a toyboy, and is relatively quite romantic as well. he talks about the future for both of us, something which i am really reluctant to hear. not because he is not being realisitic, because i know deep down inside this relationship will need a miracle to sustain itself.

we went to howick historical village, having him snuggled me up at the dark corners of those old cottages made my heart melt. guess compare to most gay guy i am lucky to land a relationship for the first time. even though the sex part is lacking (we pretty much stick to suck and play), at least the intimacy and also the dinner, helding hands and also odd messages throughout the weekdays make me know that i have a gay love relationship. that even i want to complain about it, i know i already have much more than i can ask for. truly

I slept with...

I always find the line 'i slept with someone' means more than just having sex. maybe its a milder words to use then ' i fuck him/her' but to sleep with someone means more than just sex, as for me, i had a great experience last night sleeping beside my boyfriend.

i told him that i wanted to stay overnight at his place. i was eager to experience sleeping with my lover. i really want to feel how it is like to wake up and see your love one lying next to you. i guess i have heard too much of those cheesy live song but i believe it will be a great experience. as first he declined but later of the week he asked me to stay over (he happened to be free from his usual work). so there i was, happily packed my bags and waiting for him to pick me up.

i cooked dinner for him. He seemed happy when i cook something to him (which i think makes me feel like a housewife). we sat together watching TV before we adjourned to the bedroom. we made out before i knew it we were fast asleep. It felt great to hug him when we were asleep. Guess the bliss of loving someone and being loved can be overwhelming (my eyes are wet at this very moment). I know this relationship might not go far but i really cherish it for the experiences it brings. The feeling of love, intimacy, sense of belonging, the feeling of having someone to call your own. All these feelings i have missed out because i do not have a girlfriend (or boyfriend, now that i am gay) are now real and its part of me. He does make me feel complete. Oh I love you KJ. hope you are too.

If only those people knew what makes me look so different nowadays ( some of them realised it but do not hava a clue).

I have a Boyfriend

i went out with KJ today, we went over to his place at Howick. We had fun talking and playing ping pong. then we had something to drink and he told me he likes me and ask me to try a relationship with him. gosh i was so elated. i cant believe the feeling is mutual. he likes me too.

we sucked and played. its funny that he does not like anal sex. so we do not fuck (guess my cherry is safe once again). as i said earlier it was great having an intimate relationship with someone, especially when i get to kiss and hug him. it felt so good, Gosh i have really missed out all these years.

maybe he is old and that he may not be goodlooking (though his eyes remind me of matthew broderick) but at least he likes me. whether he would love me thats another thing but i am glad to find someone i can call my own. i have my own boyfriend too. and guess what he is a Kiwi. so cool. but i guess i will have to keep it a secret. all but one of my friends do not know the existence of KJ. will be discreet. i hope KJ would not mind.

thank God for him. really.

The online date continued

well i came back from my date today. i feel a bit proud as i have done quite a lot of things that can be considered as rites of passage. i feel that every day i am growing a little bit.

Well his name.. we'll just call him KJ. he looks better that what he showed me in his photos when i saw him today at a coffee shop downtown. i know he is bald and he may be reluctant to show me his hair but seriously, he reminds me of Matthew Broderick, my favourite actors. He does look boyish and well he does have his wrinkles but he is overall quite good-looking.

although he would not admit himself but i know he is a rice queen. he dated all Asians guys i think, chinese and Thais and even Indonesian. so i am kinda relieved. his gestures reminds me a lot of myself too, as he always looked a bit puzzled over things and a bit hasty in doing things. He is gentle, sweet and soft spoken. seriously today i thought i have had a date with Matthew Broderick.

he gave me a lift to Olympic pool today. we did some chatting as he drove and gosh there i was, imagining him to be my boyfriend. i feel kinda weird and i guess i am a bit too hopeful over things. i sure did my best to look interested in him but i have no idea how he felt about me. i could be one of his many dates. and he knows i cant commit long term. even if we are together we will be only until november next year. if we were in too deep both of us will be heart broken.
i have no idea but i hope the feelings are mutual, i can only pray for the best.

but i guess the best part was when i gave him a kiss on his cheek before i left his car. gosh i never thought i am so affectionate. he looked a bit suprised when i did that. No idea why. but i feel it is sweet if we can be together, i mean seriously i might be opening up myself to love and to be loved at the same time. am nervous but am definitely looking forward to it.

we will meet again next week, for a dinner, and see how things go, lucky enough i might even get more that a bf, i might get laid. haha

Online date?

i made so many blog entries this month. so much that i am proud of myself.

talking about that i am seeing somebody that i met online. not even met but i just messaged him a few timew. we'll call him K and its weird that i am doing that. gosh my life is practically turned upside down this months, i guess the last thing that i have not done is to out myself.

back to the subject, i am to meet him this sunday, place and time yet to be confirmed. i am a bit nervous. first of all i have never gone out to meet somebody like online dating. this is so weird. and i have no idea what i am looking forward from this meeting. whether i want a gay friend or actually. finally a Gay NZ boyfriend. but i hope for the best. maybe things can go further.

but the issue is ,sigh*, again, age. he is forty. yeah i know i am fulfilling the stereotype again but i dont want to miss the chance to meet guys just because they are old. and he is not sixty. he looks alright, not the type i like but he does not look too bad either. so i am keeping my fingers crossed. hope he is not the fem queen type, i am pretty much a queen myself (well i kinda internalized it, so i look pretty straight , except sudden burst of femme in me occasionally.) well i hope for the best. should learn not to expect things and most of all, be prepared to face rejections of any kind. its gay life, its hard

Being a GAM, Greg and first love

i was out of my mind today, i went to Olympic swimming pool for 45 mins, just to get myself a chance to play with my 'friend' Greg. We had a brief session as we all are rushing somewhere. looking at him i am thrown into deep thought.

being a recently professed GAM in New Zealand, i am well aware of the gay community of NZ even when i am not at all into the whole gay scene yet. i know that Gay Asians usually become the target for the older GWM who either not attractive enough to find a GWM or the weird type. We are the second best after young GWM. Looking at myself and Greg, i dun really see why i should not disagree with the notion i presented just now.

nevertheless i felt that both of us were different case somewhat. first of all he has a partner, i am just a buddy he fools around with. he does not seem to ignore me even after we have met a few times. and most of all, i am not even complaining even when he is bald, a bit on the chub side and unappealing.

i watched gay films and tv series not just for fun, but also to learn the hooks and nooks of being a gay guy. one rule i have learnt is never fall in love with your fuck (not till that stage for me yet) buddies. i know greg has a partner, despite of what he said to me i know i could be one of his many hookups. It is usually for guys to fall with the guy they first had sex with. i guess i tried very hard not to fall into the category. Still i feel some lost whenever i have to leave. i have never fallen in love before and Greg, though old as he is, is actually the type of guy that i like. i like older man, caucasian, cute or handsome, preferably bald (it turns me on and i have no idea) and he fits into all the requirements, except the chubby part. the older man factor is not that i dun have a choice or have given up, just that i hope the person i love can fill in the lost father figure in my life, just like how i used to fall in love with my college lecturer.

but i try to keep the feelings aside. knowing that harbouring any feelings for anybody in New Zealand will only bring pain when i leave here.i shall be strong and not to love. being gay is hard, being a loveless and heartless gay is even harder. but hey, i dont really have a choice do i?