Well this is the second New Year entry for me. As 2009 dawns about less than four hours away, i will reflect on the whole year and also plan for the year ahead.
This year has been a mixed year for me. I had a great time studying third year in Auckland, involved in the church social and also getting started on the rainbow life. I have made many friends and have travelled to many places in New Zealand and also to set foot in Australia.
But i am , to my surprise, still nursing my grieves after leaving New Zealand, i can’t help reminiscing about the great life in NZ whenever i listened to pop songs which are reflective of the events i experienced in Auckland. Songs like Brooke Fraser’s ‘Shadowfeet’, Chris Brown’s ‘Forever’, Sara Bareilles ‘Love Song’, Donna Summer’s ‘Last Dance’ ( ok that’s an exception) never failed to draw me back to the people i met, places i went and also the things that i did when i was there. Then a sudden pang of pain will hit me as i know i am thousands of miles away from where all these things happened to me. Gym, Tramp, roadtrips, clubbing, random guys i met, UniQ meeting, Uni lectures, church folks. But then i guess my life has to go on, despite the pain i need to learn to accept it and to move on. There’s no point dwelling in the past when there’s a future ahead of you.
But the travelling i have done this year was really memorable. I hiked some of the most beautiful tracks in New Zealand, attended World Youth Day, the biggest Catholic pilgrimage event in Sydney, Australia, met and known so many Kiwi and international friends and all the pub outings have been such an eye-opener. This i will treasure in my heart always, praying that i will one day get to relive all these experiences again.
The future? Well it’s my last year of studying. I aimed to do well in the course and hopefully graduate with a second upper if not a first class. I’ll continue with my crunches to eventually kill my belly. And also though not on the priority list is probably meet some local guys and have some fun or a romance? Hihi. Then the life will be more beautiful. I’ll be learning new things again as i begin the full closet life back home. But i now have some ‘sisters’ who will be my comrades on the journey. Hopefully we’ll be closer and form great friendships.
Still i find it painful to let go of 2008, i wished it will never end, though they are joy and pain along the way, i realised i have grown so much and the me who came back is no longer the same me who left Malaysian shores two years ago. I really hope my life will be a great one. Probably too early to worry about that but hey, it’s never too early to start hoping and planning.
Happy New Year! Bonne Annee 2009!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Christmas time
It was the season again. Christmas is in town and i am quite looking forward for the little solitary Christmas this year in my hometown.
When i was in New Zealand i developed a liking for Jazz music, i like them both fast and slow. So i have been p2p downloading some jazz music and listening to them when i read, such a soothing music to the ears. But i don’t have any Christmas songs, funny thinking about it.
I can’t believe it’s Christmas tomorrow. I was pretty much in the nostalgic mode reminiscing the great days in Auckland. My only Christmas celebration in Auckland was pretty simple yet memorable. I went to the midnight mass and the choir sang beautifully and i felt so wonderful. After that i had a chat with a friend over two bottles of wine and we chatted till dusk. Then i went to bed and woke up around noon to go to my friend’s friend house for Christmas dinner. It was such a great night. Good food, great wine and also great jazz music. Which i think could be what gets me into the music at the first place. I supposed that was my first real Christmas celebration.
The person i had the overnight chat with was such a nice person. Jane was pretty understanding when i came out to her and she made me feel it was alright to be who i am. We also chatted about KJ and a mutual acquaintance she is currently seeing. I had a crash course about relationship from her and we talked about our future. It was such a blissful moment for me. She is now back in Singapore after studying so i hope to be able to catch up with her one day. A great chat will never go wrong with great companion and also a bottle of great wine.
Christmas has not been a festival to me until i became a Catholic in 2006, from that year onwards i should start celebrating Christmas. I didn’t enjoy the one in 2006 cause i was a bit lonely in the home parish in KT. I was baptised in the PJ parish so nobody at my hometown knows me. But the one in 2007 was really great as it was in Auckland and the local parish there is very nice. It was great to experience a Kiwi Christmas and also a summer Christmas as well.
This year’s Christmas is going to be pretty much back to the one in 2006. I know nobody, everybody is a stranger and i am going there solely for the mass. But i am going to give both my Godfathers a call. Hope they’ll be free to entertain me. Haha. And i just did my shopping today on the xmas eve. Will attend a vigil mass later tonight.
Merry Christmas and happy holidays.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Back in Malaysia
It has almost been a fortnight since i left Auckland for home. It was great seeing mum and dad and all my family members. The heat was not a shock for me, as it has been raining cats and dogs since the end of November in my home town. I was given a good chance to adjust to the heat again. But it was not such a difficult thing to do anyway, as i have lived in Malaysia for my whole life. Two years of New Zealand will not make me suffer through the heat back home. The adapting stage started and ended naturally and without me noticing it.
At the Auckland International Airport 12 days ago, the scene was just dramatic for some of us. Each of my hags bid farewell to a best friend in NZ and an ex boyfriend. The one who said goodbye to the boyfriend also cried before we boarded the plane back. It’s a wonder why they would react in such a way, while i know that of all of us, i will be the one who will miss this place the most. Well it was at New Zealand that i learn to embrace my sexuality and also the knowledge and skills to become one.
I came to the airport with the rest of us. Two of my church friend came to say bye to me and Rebecca. But no boyfriends for me sadly. KJ has left for Australia in Nov and i have not heard from him since. But i also don’t want to hear from him. It was a painful and shameful relationship to me that i just want to forget about it altogether. Of course after KJ i had mostly flings so am not attached after that. But i did send a message saying goodbye to all of them and i did get wishes and goodbyes from them as well.
The flight back was all right. As usual i enjoyed MAS’s inflight entertainment and also the food. I watched The Mummy 3 and also Mamma Mia, which were very good stories and comes with good songs for the latter. No hot flight attendant for me. The guy who sat beside me was fat and quiet. Food was tasty. I have always loved the plane food, the taste was pretty good and i love the packaging.
As i was on board i did get the chance to sit quietly in between shows, reminiscing my past life in New Zealand. My first sex, my first boyfriend, my first breakup, my flings and my gay friends whom i get to meet them but haven’t got a chance to know them better. It was a good two years despite the fact that two years are a short period of time and i am going back home broke . The life was good but it was funny that i am not missing any part of it except the cool weather i supposed. Well i am taking it as a good sign, as i believe that one day i will go back there again.
Heading back to Malaysia also excites me to an extent as well. As i switch the location of my personals to KL, i am looking forward of getting a few hits. I am also eager to check out gay scenes in KL, heard it was bigger than Auckland albeit less Whites and more discreet. Ivan will keep me in the loop if he is to head out sometimes, guess my gay life does not end in Auckland after all.
Will be going back to the Garden City of Lights in Jan 3rd. Will catch up with some friends and hopefully some fun in KL. I hope the movie ‘Australia’ will be screening in Jan so i can watch it at Midvalley. Am also looking forward to my last year of studying and my first year as a gay boy in KL.
Sun is shinning brightly ahead of me. Well at least i want it to be.
At the Auckland International Airport 12 days ago, the scene was just dramatic for some of us. Each of my hags bid farewell to a best friend in NZ and an ex boyfriend. The one who said goodbye to the boyfriend also cried before we boarded the plane back. It’s a wonder why they would react in such a way, while i know that of all of us, i will be the one who will miss this place the most. Well it was at New Zealand that i learn to embrace my sexuality and also the knowledge and skills to become one.
I came to the airport with the rest of us. Two of my church friend came to say bye to me and Rebecca. But no boyfriends for me sadly. KJ has left for Australia in Nov and i have not heard from him since. But i also don’t want to hear from him. It was a painful and shameful relationship to me that i just want to forget about it altogether. Of course after KJ i had mostly flings so am not attached after that. But i did send a message saying goodbye to all of them and i did get wishes and goodbyes from them as well.
The flight back was all right. As usual i enjoyed MAS’s inflight entertainment and also the food. I watched The Mummy 3 and also Mamma Mia, which were very good stories and comes with good songs for the latter. No hot flight attendant for me. The guy who sat beside me was fat and quiet. Food was tasty. I have always loved the plane food, the taste was pretty good and i love the packaging.
As i was on board i did get the chance to sit quietly in between shows, reminiscing my past life in New Zealand. My first sex, my first boyfriend, my first breakup, my flings and my gay friends whom i get to meet them but haven’t got a chance to know them better. It was a good two years despite the fact that two years are a short period of time and i am going back home broke . The life was good but it was funny that i am not missing any part of it except the cool weather i supposed. Well i am taking it as a good sign, as i believe that one day i will go back there again.
Heading back to Malaysia also excites me to an extent as well. As i switch the location of my personals to KL, i am looking forward of getting a few hits. I am also eager to check out gay scenes in KL, heard it was bigger than Auckland albeit less Whites and more discreet. Ivan will keep me in the loop if he is to head out sometimes, guess my gay life does not end in Auckland after all.
Will be going back to the Garden City of Lights in Jan 3rd. Will catch up with some friends and hopefully some fun in KL. I hope the movie ‘Australia’ will be screening in Jan so i can watch it at Midvalley. Am also looking forward to my last year of studying and my first year as a gay boy in KL.
Sun is shinning brightly ahead of me. Well at least i want it to be.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Retrospective- UniQ experience
Marty, the new guy from UniQ, has been kind to organize a farewell drink for me who is leaving Auckland. So he put up an invitation in Facebook and those who know me pretty well through UniQ came. We had our drink as our usual spot, Naval and Family. They got me a cake and a card as well. We had a great time catching up and sharing stories. It was just like another Coffee night. Marty, Seb, Daniel and I went to Urge for a while before we went separate ways.
As I walked back with the leftover of the chocolate cake and the farewell cake, my heart felt heavy, the experience I had this year flashed through my eyes.
I still remember when I went to my first UniQ meeting. I signed up early this year but I never worked out the courage to go there until May. I went all the way to the meeting spot twice but never went in. When I decided to just went in there, I was greeted with some warm faces and some nonchalant ones. The president, Clint was welcoming and I started the journey trying to fit into the group.
It was hard at first, I had no idea what they were talking about half the time. But as time past and I attended more meetings, I got to know them better. I sometimes joined them at the Level 0 at Student commons, where they usually hang out and do their assignments. We become good friends. It was great being with people who are just like you. I feel that being gay is not weird, it’s just normal, it happens to you and me as well. I’m not a freak, but just a bit different.
We shared so many things in common. Some of them speak some French, Seb shares my penchant for bears, Nemo and Sam gave me a taste of how lesbians are just like normal girls. But the best thing I done was to be like a mentor to Marty, who was new to UniQ and start attending the meeting after me. He was quite alone at the beginning and I knew how he felt. So I tried chatted with him and even showed him around the gay scenes in K’rd. It was not long before he became part of the group and I feel my work was done. But then I realize it’s time for me to leave.
Holding the cake and the card, I walked my way along Grafton Bridge. Looking at the long road and also the dimmed street lights, I feel that my journey has already begun as a gay man. I am still young but I know the road ahead will not be a straight and easy one. But I hold the good wishes of those who know me, those who are in the same journey as I am. I feel that I will prevail one day. It may be tough but I’ll be tougher.
I’ll miss the weekend clubbing at family or checking out hot bears walking down the street. But hey I have heaps more waiting for me, who knows good things will happen to me in the end.
To Seb, Marty, Daniel, Clint, Oliver, Nemo, and Sam and Brittany who were not there, I know you guys wont be reading this but it has been good knowing all of you. Hope you guys have wonderful years ahead. Cheers and be fabulous. Hahaha.
As I walked back with the leftover of the chocolate cake and the farewell cake, my heart felt heavy, the experience I had this year flashed through my eyes.
I still remember when I went to my first UniQ meeting. I signed up early this year but I never worked out the courage to go there until May. I went all the way to the meeting spot twice but never went in. When I decided to just went in there, I was greeted with some warm faces and some nonchalant ones. The president, Clint was welcoming and I started the journey trying to fit into the group.
It was hard at first, I had no idea what they were talking about half the time. But as time past and I attended more meetings, I got to know them better. I sometimes joined them at the Level 0 at Student commons, where they usually hang out and do their assignments. We become good friends. It was great being with people who are just like you. I feel that being gay is not weird, it’s just normal, it happens to you and me as well. I’m not a freak, but just a bit different.
We shared so many things in common. Some of them speak some French, Seb shares my penchant for bears, Nemo and Sam gave me a taste of how lesbians are just like normal girls. But the best thing I done was to be like a mentor to Marty, who was new to UniQ and start attending the meeting after me. He was quite alone at the beginning and I knew how he felt. So I tried chatted with him and even showed him around the gay scenes in K’rd. It was not long before he became part of the group and I feel my work was done. But then I realize it’s time for me to leave.
Holding the cake and the card, I walked my way along Grafton Bridge. Looking at the long road and also the dimmed street lights, I feel that my journey has already begun as a gay man. I am still young but I know the road ahead will not be a straight and easy one. But I hold the good wishes of those who know me, those who are in the same journey as I am. I feel that I will prevail one day. It may be tough but I’ll be tougher.
I’ll miss the weekend clubbing at family or checking out hot bears walking down the street. But hey I have heaps more waiting for me, who knows good things will happen to me in the end.
To Seb, Marty, Daniel, Clint, Oliver, Nemo, and Sam and Brittany who were not there, I know you guys wont be reading this but it has been good knowing all of you. Hope you guys have wonderful years ahead. Cheers and be fabulous. Hahaha.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Last weeks in NZ
If bad timing has always been the theme of my gay life, then the guy that I met a few weeks ago could really testify to that, once again. As usual was just surfing the net when a guy hollered me from NZ dating. He’s 33 and looks pretty cute, though I did suspect that he is a fem queen before I met him face to face. Name’s Aiden and he’s quite nice. We had some fun twice and I am hoping of seeing him again. He lives just across the street from where I am and he lives on the top floor, where from his apartment one can get a beautiful Auckland city view and the night view was just amazing from his house. But he’s a bit busy and it’s difficult to see him sometime so am not putting too much hope on him. Plus I can’t offer him anything anyway.
But again the hour glass is not stopping and the time I still have in Auckland is vanishing before my eyes. I find it hard to accept that I am leaving soon and did not get a chance to have another bf after Kem, of which I felt angry and disappointed at myself for wasting time with him when I could have had somebody else.
Well I am counting down the days now seriously. Eric’s comment on my blog does make me feel better. I need not have to worry so much really, probably just my profession which might make things a bit difficult to me ( a gay Malaysian Teacher? ). But I’ll survive, plus I now know a few sisters along the way so I am not alone.
My second last week in New Zealand was great. Once again My friends and I embarked on another hiking trip, this time we’ll be doing the famous Routeburn Track together with the adjoining Greenstone track to make like a loop. The view was amazing from the top really. Snow-capped mountains with green hills and valleys. But I lost one side of my spectacles lens into the river. So I will be a one-eyed monster till I fly back.
For the first time I’ll load some photos. Well I hope the photos won’t turn out too bad. and i am showing my face for the first time. well am not good looking but i don't think i am repulsive either haha.
View from Key Summit. View of Mt. Cristina.
Lake Mackenzie, second day, i tried bathing in the
But again the hour glass is not stopping and the time I still have in Auckland is vanishing before my eyes. I find it hard to accept that I am leaving soon and did not get a chance to have another bf after Kem, of which I felt angry and disappointed at myself for wasting time with him when I could have had somebody else.
Well I am counting down the days now seriously. Eric’s comment on my blog does make me feel better. I need not have to worry so much really, probably just my profession which might make things a bit difficult to me ( a gay Malaysian Teacher? ). But I’ll survive, plus I now know a few sisters along the way so I am not alone.
My second last week in New Zealand was great. Once again My friends and I embarked on another hiking trip, this time we’ll be doing the famous Routeburn Track together with the adjoining Greenstone track to make like a loop. The view was amazing from the top really. Snow-capped mountains with green hills and valleys. But I lost one side of my spectacles lens into the river. So I will be a one-eyed monster till I fly back.
For the first time I’ll load some photos. Well I hope the photos won’t turn out too bad. and i am showing my face for the first time. well am not good looking but i don't think i am repulsive either haha.
View from Key Summit. View of Mt. Cristina.
Lake Mackenzie, second day, i tried bathing in the lake but the water is really cold.
Conical Hill, view of Darran Mountains, feels like
Conical Hill, view of Darran Mountains, feels like
being on the top of the world.
Me debut on my own blog haha. at Harris Saddle near
Me debut on my own blog haha. at Harris Saddle near Lake Harris
Me looking out to Routeburn Valley.
Me At Glenorchy, near the starting of the track.
Me looking out to Routeburn Valley.
Me At Glenorchy, near the starting of the track.i am not still considering whether should continue with the blog. of course the gay encounter part will be less but i hope there will be some ( actions in Malaysia, can;t wait to check out). well in a way i am quite excited to be back as well, being educated to all things gay in NZ, am quite curious of the scenes in KL. oh well i'll find out when i get back.
If you're reading this, Happy birthday Eric ( RPMnut). might catch ou sometimes when i am back in KL. cheers to all readers who read my blog. it's great knowing somebody who read what you write.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
leaving NZ
it's the labour weekend and it is already the first week of study break. I still have an assignment to hand in on tuesday. but i spent a productive day at the library yesterday and managed to get most of the work done. so am chilling out before getting back to work this evening.
this week is a mixed feeling one. On Friday, i brought some of my friends to check out thier first gay bar, well its Family of course. songs were alright and there was a cute small baldie checking me out but i dun wanna be too flashy of my alternative lifestyle so have to give it a miss. hate it when i care more about how people felt rather than what i want.
then My friend Ivan and I went out to Family the second time. some dancing. saw James but decided i dun have to go begging for his attention. so the night ended pretty early.
came sunday night and after finished most of my assignment, i went out again to Family, there is some show going on but i have no idea when it starts. and i was by myself, Ivan and Alli blew me off, both assignment fatigue. thinking of calling it an early night i went back. was just surfing the net before i hit the bed when i was hailed by a guy from NZ dating. before i knew it i was at his place at Newton and got some. then i came back at the early morning, caught some sleep and write this post.
guy's name is Josh, pretty soft type to me but boy aint he gentle in bed. pretty agressive yet gentle with me. i had great time. it was great that he was good. was on dry spell for a while. a good sex always cheers things out.
I am feeling the cringe in the stomach as december 2nd approaches. that day is the day i am flying back to Malaysia, leaving NZ behind. i thank God for the opportunity to come here and enjoy myself, being gay and free. it's a very liberating experience really. my close friends know that i'm a rainbow sister.
but after two years of bliss the dreadful journey of going back to my closet is just painful to think about. i'll have to be careful of what i said and it's just not me that is living in kl. i don't really mind laying low and be good but i surely won't be doing that for too long.
i have great plans but i hope it will be a reality. really pray for it. and of course still dreaming of a cute beary intelligent boyfriend haha. in the meantime, it's great to know a fellow friend who's in the same situation with me (Ivan), so we are going back to the wardrobe together. hopefully we can escape before it's too late.
really hope that this is not the last time i'll ever see nz. like some other people who made predictions in my life, i'll be back again. this time for good.
this week is a mixed feeling one. On Friday, i brought some of my friends to check out thier first gay bar, well its Family of course. songs were alright and there was a cute small baldie checking me out but i dun wanna be too flashy of my alternative lifestyle so have to give it a miss. hate it when i care more about how people felt rather than what i want.
then My friend Ivan and I went out to Family the second time. some dancing. saw James but decided i dun have to go begging for his attention. so the night ended pretty early.
came sunday night and after finished most of my assignment, i went out again to Family, there is some show going on but i have no idea when it starts. and i was by myself, Ivan and Alli blew me off, both assignment fatigue. thinking of calling it an early night i went back. was just surfing the net before i hit the bed when i was hailed by a guy from NZ dating. before i knew it i was at his place at Newton and got some. then i came back at the early morning, caught some sleep and write this post.
guy's name is Josh, pretty soft type to me but boy aint he gentle in bed. pretty agressive yet gentle with me. i had great time. it was great that he was good. was on dry spell for a while. a good sex always cheers things out.
I am feeling the cringe in the stomach as december 2nd approaches. that day is the day i am flying back to Malaysia, leaving NZ behind. i thank God for the opportunity to come here and enjoy myself, being gay and free. it's a very liberating experience really. my close friends know that i'm a rainbow sister.
but after two years of bliss the dreadful journey of going back to my closet is just painful to think about. i'll have to be careful of what i said and it's just not me that is living in kl. i don't really mind laying low and be good but i surely won't be doing that for too long.
i have great plans but i hope it will be a reality. really pray for it. and of course still dreaming of a cute beary intelligent boyfriend haha. in the meantime, it's great to know a fellow friend who's in the same situation with me (Ivan), so we are going back to the wardrobe together. hopefully we can escape before it's too late.
really hope that this is not the last time i'll ever see nz. like some other people who made predictions in my life, i'll be back again. this time for good.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
about getting laid and feeling depressed
I came back from Muddy Farmer. My brother said I look tired and ought to get some sleep. I feel like I want to cry really. Will tell the entire story.
It was Saturday night and I just finished working at Eden Park for a rugby game. Shame on the Auckland team for losing so badly to the Welli folks. Marty asked me if I am free to take him to Family, me being a nice guy and quite enjoy the prospect of being somebody’s senior really agreed to.
We went to Family, people are getting more as we entered the place. I found myself looking at this older guy who seemed to capture my eyes despite his forty-looking looks. He seemed to look back at me with the same eyes as well, but I did not pursue it further as I have Marty with me. Then we left Family to check out other places. We first head across the road to Fluffy, to our horror of not seeing anybody there at all, pretty shocking. The dancefloor was empty. We then took off to Urge, the Auckland bear bar. and the moment I entered the place I have to take down my spectacles as the surrounding was really warm. It was full house at the small and cramped Urge so the temperature was pretty warm in there. Then we walk back along K’rd to NV, and find some interesting atmosphere there. Finally we head back to family for some dancing and also to watch the Drag show.
The drag show was alright. The first song about taking a dump was not really that funny and it’s disgusting. The next song was ‘chain reaction’ so it was good. There was another song but I can’t remember. Then we danced for a while before I sent Marty back. I decided to head into Family again trying my luck on the guy I was looking just now. I went in gave him a look but there’s no response from him. I went to dance and found myself having some fun with a guy whom I believe to be Andre. He kinda blew me off a couple of times and I have given up contacting him. He seemed drunk or high cause I was feeling him up without him giving back any responses at all. He did not even look at me. Well he then drifted off somewhere and I was about to follow him and make sure he is alright. But then the guy whom I was eying decided to approach me and chat me up. So forget about Andre.
His name is James and to my surprise he is from Wales, as I was just studying a bout Welsh English three weeks ago. He bought me a drink and we had a chat. Then we went into the dance floor and had a dance. Was quite fun feeling him up and kissing him.
Then I decided to call it a night and he walked me home. I brought him up to my apartment for a cup of coffee. We had a chat but we didn’t make up. But we planned to see each other for lunch tomorrow.
So come tomorrow and we had lunch at Nando’s. then it’s off to his place for some action. It was alright. I have not been getting nailed for a while so the experience was not too comfortable but at least I came. He came like half an hour later after I came. He looked alright though the body was a bit off. He is also incredibly smooth for a white guy too. Oh btw he’s 42 years old (I know).
We parted ways when I walked back to catch some nap and him to Foodtown for grocery shopping. I was feeling pretty sad throughout the day, even when I went to church and also meet up with some French travellers who are hanging out with my brother.
I think the stress and loneliness is slowly eating me away. I am not happy and I am in perennial state of worry and also stressed out. I am a bit lonely and also disappointed by all the guys who never seemed to contact me for anything after them showing interest at the beginning. Even with James too I feel bad cause I know this would not lead to nowhere. He’s too old and I am just really sick of chasing guys after guys. I refused to talk to my mom because I don’t want to blurt out the whole not having enough money issue. So I am help to myself. Probably I should pray but God doesn’t really help me much these days. Gosh I am feeling miserable.
I hate feeling depressed.
It was Saturday night and I just finished working at Eden Park for a rugby game. Shame on the Auckland team for losing so badly to the Welli folks. Marty asked me if I am free to take him to Family, me being a nice guy and quite enjoy the prospect of being somebody’s senior really agreed to.
We went to Family, people are getting more as we entered the place. I found myself looking at this older guy who seemed to capture my eyes despite his forty-looking looks. He seemed to look back at me with the same eyes as well, but I did not pursue it further as I have Marty with me. Then we left Family to check out other places. We first head across the road to Fluffy, to our horror of not seeing anybody there at all, pretty shocking. The dancefloor was empty. We then took off to Urge, the Auckland bear bar. and the moment I entered the place I have to take down my spectacles as the surrounding was really warm. It was full house at the small and cramped Urge so the temperature was pretty warm in there. Then we walk back along K’rd to NV, and find some interesting atmosphere there. Finally we head back to family for some dancing and also to watch the Drag show.
The drag show was alright. The first song about taking a dump was not really that funny and it’s disgusting. The next song was ‘chain reaction’ so it was good. There was another song but I can’t remember. Then we danced for a while before I sent Marty back. I decided to head into Family again trying my luck on the guy I was looking just now. I went in gave him a look but there’s no response from him. I went to dance and found myself having some fun with a guy whom I believe to be Andre. He kinda blew me off a couple of times and I have given up contacting him. He seemed drunk or high cause I was feeling him up without him giving back any responses at all. He did not even look at me. Well he then drifted off somewhere and I was about to follow him and make sure he is alright. But then the guy whom I was eying decided to approach me and chat me up. So forget about Andre.
His name is James and to my surprise he is from Wales, as I was just studying a bout Welsh English three weeks ago. He bought me a drink and we had a chat. Then we went into the dance floor and had a dance. Was quite fun feeling him up and kissing him.
Then I decided to call it a night and he walked me home. I brought him up to my apartment for a cup of coffee. We had a chat but we didn’t make up. But we planned to see each other for lunch tomorrow.
So come tomorrow and we had lunch at Nando’s. then it’s off to his place for some action. It was alright. I have not been getting nailed for a while so the experience was not too comfortable but at least I came. He came like half an hour later after I came. He looked alright though the body was a bit off. He is also incredibly smooth for a white guy too. Oh btw he’s 42 years old (I know).
We parted ways when I walked back to catch some nap and him to Foodtown for grocery shopping. I was feeling pretty sad throughout the day, even when I went to church and also meet up with some French travellers who are hanging out with my brother.
I think the stress and loneliness is slowly eating me away. I am not happy and I am in perennial state of worry and also stressed out. I am a bit lonely and also disappointed by all the guys who never seemed to contact me for anything after them showing interest at the beginning. Even with James too I feel bad cause I know this would not lead to nowhere. He’s too old and I am just really sick of chasing guys after guys. I refused to talk to my mom because I don’t want to blurt out the whole not having enough money issue. So I am help to myself. Probably I should pray but God doesn’t really help me much these days. Gosh I am feeling miserable.
I hate feeling depressed.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Enchante Andre!
It has been a while since my last post. I feel that I should only post something when I have something to write. So here it is.
Last week is the first anniversary of my first gay sexual encounter. I went to the pool. Without getting disappointed, I saw Greg. But we didn’t do anything because his partner is around. As for his case I have long given up on him. I was there primarily to have a good swim and getting prepared for the Taranaki hike this week. So after shower I just went back and feeling sad? Yes.
So the next day I woke up early and went to a tramp at the Piha valley with the Club. It was great hike and I had great time seeing valleys and streams. My Gym workout has been really helpful. I have no idea whether it was an easy hike or my stamina has improved but I did not feel really tired doing the hike.
As the hike finished early, I managed to get back to city, attend mass and back to apartment by 6.30pm. The thought lingering in my head as I was considering should I attend the ‘Underware’ party at the bear bar Urge that night. The tickets are supposed to be sold out but my UniQ friend Seb managed to get me a free ticket. Putting my inhibition of wearing just underwear in a public place aside, I walked into the bar after removing and give up my clothes for safekeeping.
The lights are dimmed, techno music playing loudly in the small bar as men, mostly bears, walking around in briefs and boxers, dance, drink and have a chat. Of course the excitement of the night was to see people making out in the dance floor. Some were sucking each other, some kissing passionately. Some were rubbing their crotch and bum excitedly towards each other. That was one unique experience that I will never forget my entire life.
Coming to the place there were only 3 Asian boys I think, yet I still managed to end up being invisible once again, although I did get picked up by this guy. He looks a bit old but his body is hot. Nice cock too. Name’s Aldo and we had fun making out in dance floor. So in a way I was not left out amidst the fun that everybody seems to be having. But then he had to leave early and it doesn’t seem that I am going back to his place that night so I just gave him my number. Prospect? Not counting on it.
I stayed on for another hour before I decided that rather than just sitting there nursing my frustration and tiredness I should just call it a night. Seb who was there as well were busy getting it on with another two more guys somewhere in the corner. Good on him. So I get dressed and walked back.
On my way back I was checked out by a guy driving a Merc convertible. I decided to ignore him and walk further down K’rd. Then he decided to drove his car up and park near me again. I got curious, stopped and tried to look at him but I can only look at half his face. He opened up his car door. Not really given it a thought I just jumped into the car, praying to God for protection against psycho-killers.
I can’t look at his face clearly but he is on the mature side as well. Name’s Andre and he is half French. Despite him knowing only a bit of French I was talking to him in French, much to his annoyance. He sent me home but he overshot and he decided to stop at a dark corner and we made out.
We sucked each other and then we fucked each other briefly as well. Apparently he liked to be fucked by small cock ( weird?) and hope that we can get it on there in the car. Well I am not keen on the idea. We played for a while before he dropped me off and promised to see me the next day.
Well of course he can’t make it the next day. Just my luck I reckon. I did tell him we can see each other on weekend. So we’ll see how it goes after my Taranaki trip. I do hope for something but I just don’t seem to have the luck with guys.
Well it is still a good outing, I got half lucky. Thank god but I do hope for more.
Last week is the first anniversary of my first gay sexual encounter. I went to the pool. Without getting disappointed, I saw Greg. But we didn’t do anything because his partner is around. As for his case I have long given up on him. I was there primarily to have a good swim and getting prepared for the Taranaki hike this week. So after shower I just went back and feeling sad? Yes.
So the next day I woke up early and went to a tramp at the Piha valley with the Club. It was great hike and I had great time seeing valleys and streams. My Gym workout has been really helpful. I have no idea whether it was an easy hike or my stamina has improved but I did not feel really tired doing the hike.
As the hike finished early, I managed to get back to city, attend mass and back to apartment by 6.30pm. The thought lingering in my head as I was considering should I attend the ‘Underware’ party at the bear bar Urge that night. The tickets are supposed to be sold out but my UniQ friend Seb managed to get me a free ticket. Putting my inhibition of wearing just underwear in a public place aside, I walked into the bar after removing and give up my clothes for safekeeping.
The lights are dimmed, techno music playing loudly in the small bar as men, mostly bears, walking around in briefs and boxers, dance, drink and have a chat. Of course the excitement of the night was to see people making out in the dance floor. Some were sucking each other, some kissing passionately. Some were rubbing their crotch and bum excitedly towards each other. That was one unique experience that I will never forget my entire life.
Coming to the place there were only 3 Asian boys I think, yet I still managed to end up being invisible once again, although I did get picked up by this guy. He looks a bit old but his body is hot. Nice cock too. Name’s Aldo and we had fun making out in dance floor. So in a way I was not left out amidst the fun that everybody seems to be having. But then he had to leave early and it doesn’t seem that I am going back to his place that night so I just gave him my number. Prospect? Not counting on it.
I stayed on for another hour before I decided that rather than just sitting there nursing my frustration and tiredness I should just call it a night. Seb who was there as well were busy getting it on with another two more guys somewhere in the corner. Good on him. So I get dressed and walked back.
On my way back I was checked out by a guy driving a Merc convertible. I decided to ignore him and walk further down K’rd. Then he decided to drove his car up and park near me again. I got curious, stopped and tried to look at him but I can only look at half his face. He opened up his car door. Not really given it a thought I just jumped into the car, praying to God for protection against psycho-killers.
I can’t look at his face clearly but he is on the mature side as well. Name’s Andre and he is half French. Despite him knowing only a bit of French I was talking to him in French, much to his annoyance. He sent me home but he overshot and he decided to stop at a dark corner and we made out.
We sucked each other and then we fucked each other briefly as well. Apparently he liked to be fucked by small cock ( weird?) and hope that we can get it on there in the car. Well I am not keen on the idea. We played for a while before he dropped me off and promised to see me the next day.
Well of course he can’t make it the next day. Just my luck I reckon. I did tell him we can see each other on weekend. So we’ll see how it goes after my Taranaki trip. I do hope for something but I just don’t seem to have the luck with guys.
Well it is still a good outing, I got half lucky. Thank god but I do hope for more.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Surprise, surprises, surprised
Saturday night. With one of my fag hag Ali, who has just got a new job, and me who have just quitted my job as a car groomer, we embark on a K'Rd adventure yet again. what was supposed to be a normal night out becomes an emotional event.
it all started quite well, DJ Starli at Family were playing hot tunes and people were dancing gaily, me too we having a good time grooving with Ali after our friends left early to call it a night. as i was dancing my eyes were glancing around, ogling and checking out hot boys. not that i can have them, but that i can at least have some fun imagining things. suddenly a guy catched my eyes. the horror is that i knew that guy and he is not supposed to be seen in a gay bar. He was actually my coursemate from malaysia. holy space, it was * Ivan ( pseudoname is used to enclosed identity).
i waved and he came over, he was pretty surprised enough to see me they as well. Rather than thinking crap now somebody else know that i'm gay, i am quite comfortable in my own skin to have a chat with him. but the music was too loud and we just decided to chat later. he went off somewhere and i was left to dance with Ali.
the next two minntes another famliar face came to mine. this time i was not too shocked as the guy was Dave. we had a quick chat and a few gropes here and there. he then left to prey for some hot asian boys while i danced again to my tunes.
as i am dancing again another face came to me. he looks familiar too and my mind was hit that i met that guy, *Rodney from church! then he saw me and quickly say hi. it was just funny we both gave each other ' you're gay too huh? but's that's alright' look to each other. after we met Ali went for a fag break and i continue to have a chat with Rodney. when i left Family i saw another guy who is the communion ministers at St. Pats, looks like there are heaps of closet Catholics out there.
as i walked back i was reminded of all these faces and i just sighed at everybody's circumstances. Ivan did not stricke me as a gay guy at all until i saw him. i grieved for both of us as we will embark of the closet gay road as soon as we go back to malaysia. it might be easy for me to be gay back home ut for Ivan, being a muslim can be quite difficult. i pray that one day all of us can move abroad and pursue our own happiness without the fear of persecution.
For Rodney i am relieved that finally i found a gay catholic guy as a friend. Only he knows what i feel inside, the whole embracing your gay side and also the catholic guilt that comes with it. bwe promised to catch up and i hope we can share each other thoughts and feelings too.
for Dave, he is a player and i am glad i was aware of it from the beginning. he ought to settle down before he hits the 40 yrs old mark and never be alble to score asian boys as easy as he used to.
three strikes. three strokes, three cheers
it all started quite well, DJ Starli at Family were playing hot tunes and people were dancing gaily, me too we having a good time grooving with Ali after our friends left early to call it a night. as i was dancing my eyes were glancing around, ogling and checking out hot boys. not that i can have them, but that i can at least have some fun imagining things. suddenly a guy catched my eyes. the horror is that i knew that guy and he is not supposed to be seen in a gay bar. He was actually my coursemate from malaysia. holy space, it was * Ivan ( pseudoname is used to enclosed identity).
i waved and he came over, he was pretty surprised enough to see me they as well. Rather than thinking crap now somebody else know that i'm gay, i am quite comfortable in my own skin to have a chat with him. but the music was too loud and we just decided to chat later. he went off somewhere and i was left to dance with Ali.
the next two minntes another famliar face came to mine. this time i was not too shocked as the guy was Dave. we had a quick chat and a few gropes here and there. he then left to prey for some hot asian boys while i danced again to my tunes.
as i am dancing again another face came to me. he looks familiar too and my mind was hit that i met that guy, *Rodney from church! then he saw me and quickly say hi. it was just funny we both gave each other ' you're gay too huh? but's that's alright' look to each other. after we met Ali went for a fag break and i continue to have a chat with Rodney. when i left Family i saw another guy who is the communion ministers at St. Pats, looks like there are heaps of closet Catholics out there.
as i walked back i was reminded of all these faces and i just sighed at everybody's circumstances. Ivan did not stricke me as a gay guy at all until i saw him. i grieved for both of us as we will embark of the closet gay road as soon as we go back to malaysia. it might be easy for me to be gay back home ut for Ivan, being a muslim can be quite difficult. i pray that one day all of us can move abroad and pursue our own happiness without the fear of persecution.
For Rodney i am relieved that finally i found a gay catholic guy as a friend. Only he knows what i feel inside, the whole embracing your gay side and also the catholic guilt that comes with it. bwe promised to catch up and i hope we can share each other thoughts and feelings too.
for Dave, he is a player and i am glad i was aware of it from the beginning. he ought to settle down before he hits the 40 yrs old mark and never be alble to score asian boys as easy as he used to.
three strikes. three strokes, three cheers
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Another First time?
Today it drizzled in the morning. I walked back from Queen St back home. Although Auckland still looks the same to me, I realize that I am walking back home yet as a different person.
Last night I got a surprise call from, lets call him Dave. He phoned me asking whether we want to hook up. I tried a couple of time to ask him out but he keeps saying that he’s busy. I thought he might not be interested, so I decided to give up when the date comes along.
He place is just a short walk from mine. I arrived at the lobby of the apartment block where he is staying in. he then came down. First impression? He does not look too bad, just that he looks like the bear type of Darren Hayes. He may not be as handsome as KJ, but he looks masculine, dresses quite well and surely I am expecting full action tonight.
We spend a good two hours at the sauna of his apartment building. We talked, kissed and blew each other. Then we went up to his apartment. His apartment is really small and he and his roommate really struggled for storage space. We then had fun in his bedroom.
It was my first time bottoming and I frankly was a bit afraid of what might happen. He helped loosen me up and i was ready and prepared to lose my virginity. When he first went in the pain was just plain excruciating. I could barely say anything. As he tried to make me feel comfortable I was starting to enjoy it, albeit still struggling with the pain and the thought that I might ease myself down there. Then he came and I managed to come as well. We then had a chat before we fall asleep.
In the morning we had a chat and I was getting it again. This time it was still painful and my moaning was like 30% pleasure and 70% pain but thank goodness he doesn’t last long. He came again. We have a cup of tea before I left and he got ready for work.
It was funny that we reacted to each other as if we are already boyfriends. We hugged, cuddled and talked to each other. Even I feel that we have together for years though we barely know each other. We’ll see how it goes. Not really sure how but I will try to make it work. need a replacement haha
Last night I got a surprise call from, lets call him Dave. He phoned me asking whether we want to hook up. I tried a couple of time to ask him out but he keeps saying that he’s busy. I thought he might not be interested, so I decided to give up when the date comes along.
He place is just a short walk from mine. I arrived at the lobby of the apartment block where he is staying in. he then came down. First impression? He does not look too bad, just that he looks like the bear type of Darren Hayes. He may not be as handsome as KJ, but he looks masculine, dresses quite well and surely I am expecting full action tonight.
We spend a good two hours at the sauna of his apartment building. We talked, kissed and blew each other. Then we went up to his apartment. His apartment is really small and he and his roommate really struggled for storage space. We then had fun in his bedroom.
It was my first time bottoming and I frankly was a bit afraid of what might happen. He helped loosen me up and i was ready and prepared to lose my virginity. When he first went in the pain was just plain excruciating. I could barely say anything. As he tried to make me feel comfortable I was starting to enjoy it, albeit still struggling with the pain and the thought that I might ease myself down there. Then he came and I managed to come as well. We then had a chat before we fall asleep.
In the morning we had a chat and I was getting it again. This time it was still painful and my moaning was like 30% pleasure and 70% pain but thank goodness he doesn’t last long. He came again. We have a cup of tea before I left and he got ready for work.
It was funny that we reacted to each other as if we are already boyfriends. We hugged, cuddled and talked to each other. Even I feel that we have together for years though we barely know each other. We’ll see how it goes. Not really sure how but I will try to make it work. need a replacement haha
Saturday, June 28, 2008
am single again!
It’s now over between me and KJ, we went out for lunch and I decided to gently break the news to him. He took it quite well and I am quite relieved with that. We then walked separate ways as he went to take his car. ‘Take care’ was the parting words.
When I am back at home I just cried. I have never experienced break-up before and frankly it is pretty overwhelming. Especially when I was the one who asked for a break up, why I am sad was a bit puzzling. But being myself it wasn’t too hard to figure out why am I feeling this way.
Supposed it is the feeling of loneliness that I am worried about. I have never had close friends even since I left high school so I have always felt the feeling of loneliness. Then KJ came into my life and I suppose I value him more as a close friend rather than a boyfriend. We have been together for 9 months and it is pretty hard to lose a close friend. And having been in a relationship for so long it is very hard to get use to singlehood again. But then I know I will be single again when I get back to Malaysia so why not now. At least I will not have to deal with it together with dealing with possibility of leaving New Zealand for good.
Well now that I have come to a full circle I know how life revolves, supposed getting into and out of a relationship is a very meaningful experience and in many ways I have just grown up.
When I am back at home I just cried. I have never experienced break-up before and frankly it is pretty overwhelming. Especially when I was the one who asked for a break up, why I am sad was a bit puzzling. But being myself it wasn’t too hard to figure out why am I feeling this way.
Supposed it is the feeling of loneliness that I am worried about. I have never had close friends even since I left high school so I have always felt the feeling of loneliness. Then KJ came into my life and I suppose I value him more as a close friend rather than a boyfriend. We have been together for 9 months and it is pretty hard to lose a close friend. And having been in a relationship for so long it is very hard to get use to singlehood again. But then I know I will be single again when I get back to Malaysia so why not now. At least I will not have to deal with it together with dealing with possibility of leaving New Zealand for good.
Well now that I have come to a full circle I know how life revolves, supposed getting into and out of a relationship is a very meaningful experience and in many ways I have just grown up.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
updates for June
Week 2 of the study week and I am almost mad. My friends have left for Australia and will spend three weeks there. Must be wicked fun. I’ll be going to Sydney on the last week of my holiday. Attending WYD 08. Will be quite meaningful. Can’t wait for them.
Currently am coughing like crazy, have no idea why I suddenly start coughing. It has been ages since I cough. I still remember when I was ten that I cough like that. Man I thought I was going to die that year. But I survived till now and I supposed I will again this time.
Nowadays too I am listening to country. ‘Brokeback Mountain’ I supposed triggered my interest in the songs. I tend to enjoy the rhythm and then drift off into another realm of thought. My brother happened to be listening to country as well so I borrowed a CD. Man the tunes were great. Enjoy every song of it.
Am thinking of cheating behind KJ too. Hoping to see this guy for sex hopefully. Well I can always have a bf and a fb right? No harm haha. Will do the follow up post on this.
Currently am coughing like crazy, have no idea why I suddenly start coughing. It has been ages since I cough. I still remember when I was ten that I cough like that. Man I thought I was going to die that year. But I survived till now and I supposed I will again this time.
Nowadays too I am listening to country. ‘Brokeback Mountain’ I supposed triggered my interest in the songs. I tend to enjoy the rhythm and then drift off into another realm of thought. My brother happened to be listening to country as well so I borrowed a CD. Man the tunes were great. Enjoy every song of it.
Am thinking of cheating behind KJ too. Hoping to see this guy for sex hopefully. Well I can always have a bf and a fb right? No harm haha. Will do the follow up post on this.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
UniQ experience and A guilt feeling
I was about to post this in last week but I was so snowed under with all the assignments (stupid EDUC papers). Oh well.
So last Thursday I decided to attend UniQ meeting for the first time. It is a club for tertiary queer students studying in Auckland. I tried to attend the meeting twice before but I always chicken out. Guess it is really hard for me to go and meet new people all by myself. I was incredibly shy and introvert by nature but I seriously need some gay company, people you can relate to. So I went.
The president is a chubby guy call Clint. Nice guy and he tried his best to make me feel comfortable, though I felt that the crowd who were there were really stuck up and I was rendered invisible by them. Some of these guys who are suppose to be my ‘sisters’ kinda ignore me and pretend that I was not even there. I have no idea whether because is the ‘you are GAM hence you are invisible’ theory or just that they do not really warm up to newbies quite easily. Maybe I should have joined the club earlier. Who knows things can be different then. But some of them are nice and we had some good chat. Of course the flamboyant ones are really funny. With their gestures and tone of voice I thought I was in one of those gay movies that I watch online. I am attending the coffee night again. Its at alleluya café , st kevins arcade, K’Rd.
Oh today my roommate, an evangelical Christian, found out about me being gay. Damn I should have ended my conversation with Kem before I let Anthony* saw me. Today in class he suddenly dropped y name after a stupid sentence which ends with ‘gay or straight’. I decided to confront him. He of course being the I-think-i-can-argue-my-way -of-out-this guy argues and as usual, I backed down. He said that he would not judge but he said that I should not go into the road which I can never turn back. That line was hard enough for me to be upset the whole evening. If not because of the salsa class at 6pm and the fact that I have an assignment to pass out, I could never pick myself up to brave through the day.
For the past 6 months I became comfortable being gay in NZ. I was at ease with myself and I have a stable boyfriend, yet the archenemy of mine came back to haunt this happy homo with what Anthony has said- the Catholic Guilt. It pains me knowing that I can never be a full Christian like how I wanted to be when I become a Christian. With the whole what would happened to my life and the fact that I will end up in Malaysia for the rest of my life freak me out further. I really wished I can stay here forever. I wished I have done another course that would lift my chance of settling down here. Oh how I wish things were different for me. But I need to be strong and I will pray for the light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing will stop me.
So last Thursday I decided to attend UniQ meeting for the first time. It is a club for tertiary queer students studying in Auckland. I tried to attend the meeting twice before but I always chicken out. Guess it is really hard for me to go and meet new people all by myself. I was incredibly shy and introvert by nature but I seriously need some gay company, people you can relate to. So I went.
The president is a chubby guy call Clint. Nice guy and he tried his best to make me feel comfortable, though I felt that the crowd who were there were really stuck up and I was rendered invisible by them. Some of these guys who are suppose to be my ‘sisters’ kinda ignore me and pretend that I was not even there. I have no idea whether because is the ‘you are GAM hence you are invisible’ theory or just that they do not really warm up to newbies quite easily. Maybe I should have joined the club earlier. Who knows things can be different then. But some of them are nice and we had some good chat. Of course the flamboyant ones are really funny. With their gestures and tone of voice I thought I was in one of those gay movies that I watch online. I am attending the coffee night again. Its at alleluya café , st kevins arcade, K’Rd.
Oh today my roommate, an evangelical Christian, found out about me being gay. Damn I should have ended my conversation with Kem before I let Anthony* saw me. Today in class he suddenly dropped y name after a stupid sentence which ends with ‘gay or straight’. I decided to confront him. He of course being the I-think-i-can-argue-my-way -of-out-this guy argues and as usual, I backed down. He said that he would not judge but he said that I should not go into the road which I can never turn back. That line was hard enough for me to be upset the whole evening. If not because of the salsa class at 6pm and the fact that I have an assignment to pass out, I could never pick myself up to brave through the day.
For the past 6 months I became comfortable being gay in NZ. I was at ease with myself and I have a stable boyfriend, yet the archenemy of mine came back to haunt this happy homo with what Anthony has said- the Catholic Guilt. It pains me knowing that I can never be a full Christian like how I wanted to be when I become a Christian. With the whole what would happened to my life and the fact that I will end up in Malaysia for the rest of my life freak me out further. I really wished I can stay here forever. I wished I have done another course that would lift my chance of settling down here. Oh how I wish things were different for me. But I need to be strong and I will pray for the light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing will stop me.
Friday, April 25, 2008
tales of thursday and Friday
After a long day today and yesterday, I guess it is just right to pen this down.
Friday I spent the morning cleanin up the apartment with my mates. Then I had a long day with KJ. We took a stroll along Ponsonby Road, looking for the Dorothy’s Sisters, the restaurant. Then we went back for KFC and some cuddling before he went back around 9.30pm.
Thursday was supposed to be interesting. Well despite not being able to have some fun with Greg after the pool swim (his brother decided to crash at his place at last minute so he did not have a place for our fun, his partner was away at Sydney). We had a dinner at Wagamama though. It is cool that I get to know a bit more about him, but it just made me feel worse after he sent me home. I realized that he is the guy I wanted to be with. The fact that he is not available pains me so bad that I almost burst into tears. Now I know how it feels like to love someone and not being loved back. It could be my selfish wanting but it sucks really when you want something you can’t have. As I came back around 8, I spent almost one and a half hour nursing the pain before I decided that enough is enough. I smarten myself up, changed into my party clothes and walked my way to K’Rd for my debut in a gay club.
I went to Family, and the Wigarama was being held there. Drag Queens from around North Island were there to perform and raise funds for the New Zealand AIDS Foundation. Walking to the place I felt a strange feeling of peace. It is great to go into places where everybody around you is just like you. It is the sense of belonging, to gays haha. The boys are beautiful but of course being an Asian boy you are invisible. Maybe the going-ons last night was not conducive for cruising. But maybe I am not hot enough.
The shows was great, the Girls performed very well, cool dance moves and also cool tunes. The boys got high whenever a gay anthem was performed (like I Will Survive, obviously). I myself enjoyed the Madonna medley and a girl impersonating Christina Aguilera for Candyman. The music in between shows were good too. They had Feedback, Gimme More and Piece of Me. Only songs in gay bars will suit a gay man’s ears. They closed at twelve but I was too tired to continue dancing at Supermarket downstairs. The songs are not nice and I had a long swim before coming. After three glasses of beer all I want is a bed.
I think the drag queens are so cool. They dressed very well and are able to flaunt their femininity. I sometimes wished I could be like them too. But if I want to sing I will sing ‘Wow’ by Kylie and ‘Snow on the Sahara’ by Anggun haha.
Being alone in gay bar sucks. I saw a few couples in Family, hugging, kissing and dancing together. How I hope KJ was with me, or probably Greg deep down in my heart. But I realize I still have a long life ahead of me. With God’s grace I might be able to come back to NZ again. Greg said that it was possible. No idea. Will pray hard for it. But then I wonder will I ever find someone like Greg to love. Gay life is full of pain. To all the sisters out there I know how you feel. Pray that we’ll find someone to love and someone to love us.
Cheers mate.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Express yourself
Well this week was supposed to be a holiday for me but I am stuck in school, doing my block visit in Mt Albert Grammar. Things are fine in the school. And I have a suspect in school which I think he could be gay haha. He dresses immaculately, his eyebrows looked trimmed and he seemed to realize that I was checking him out too.
Last Sunday I was watching C4 and I was surprised that the ‘U choose 40’ segment they did a Madonna vs Michael Jackson music videos. I stick to the show from 8.30 till 11.30, dreading every MJ videos ( and wondering how did he bleached himself from black to white) and enjoy all the Madonna’s. Seriously I don’t know whether I like Madonna because she is fabulous or because all gays like him, so I jumped in the bandwagon as well. Her latest hit was a let down though. She joined into the whole R&B hip-hop thing and I wonder will I ever hear any electronic pop out of her again. I mean she reigned the whole 80’s and 90’s pop scene with her songs. She does not get the ‘Queen of Pop’ title for nothing.
Well I feel her 80’s songs are just great. In fact I am listening to some of them right now and they made it into my current favourites folder in my mp3 player. Songs like ‘material girl’, ‘papa don’t preach’ and ‘vogue’ just make me feel like dancing and imagine how it is like to live in the 80’s. From the C4 show I discovered ‘express yourself’, which I quite like it as well, sounds like ‘vogue’ but less draggy.
I guess what makes gay men like him so much is her ‘don’t care all attitude’, her showing of femininity, sexual appeal and also back to the word ‘vogueness’. Her songs has fast beats, disco-ish and in a way exudes the divaness in everybody. Although I consider her to be as good as kylie, Madonna was the icon of 80’s and it will not be too much to say that she is the backbone of the 80’s music. The 80’s is the age of slow rock and also Madonna’s pop songs.
Well I hope she will continue to make good stuff. Her electronica pop numbers are good as well ( love dancing to ‘Music’). As I never heard her entire album yet, I hope she has some dance numbers for her eager gay fans.
Which leads me to the point that I need to go check out the gay clubs.
Last Sunday I was watching C4 and I was surprised that the ‘U choose 40’ segment they did a Madonna vs Michael Jackson music videos. I stick to the show from 8.30 till 11.30, dreading every MJ videos ( and wondering how did he bleached himself from black to white) and enjoy all the Madonna’s. Seriously I don’t know whether I like Madonna because she is fabulous or because all gays like him, so I jumped in the bandwagon as well. Her latest hit was a let down though. She joined into the whole R&B hip-hop thing and I wonder will I ever hear any electronic pop out of her again. I mean she reigned the whole 80’s and 90’s pop scene with her songs. She does not get the ‘Queen of Pop’ title for nothing.
Well I feel her 80’s songs are just great. In fact I am listening to some of them right now and they made it into my current favourites folder in my mp3 player. Songs like ‘material girl’, ‘papa don’t preach’ and ‘vogue’ just make me feel like dancing and imagine how it is like to live in the 80’s. From the C4 show I discovered ‘express yourself’, which I quite like it as well, sounds like ‘vogue’ but less draggy.
I guess what makes gay men like him so much is her ‘don’t care all attitude’, her showing of femininity, sexual appeal and also back to the word ‘vogueness’. Her songs has fast beats, disco-ish and in a way exudes the divaness in everybody. Although I consider her to be as good as kylie, Madonna was the icon of 80’s and it will not be too much to say that she is the backbone of the 80’s music. The 80’s is the age of slow rock and also Madonna’s pop songs.
Well I hope she will continue to make good stuff. Her electronica pop numbers are good as well ( love dancing to ‘Music’). As I never heard her entire album yet, I hope she has some dance numbers for her eager gay fans.
Which leads me to the point that I need to go check out the gay clubs.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Gay mens (mature,old,older)
Gosh being a GAM in New Zealand is so miserable. i guess things were even worse for me being not in the scene. having more and more profiles set up in websites does not really help. Reason? keep seeing the same old faces again.
sometimes i wonder why these old ( mature man) in their 40s like Asian boys so much. i have a feeling that they were never Rice Queens when they are young ( KJ was, having known all his past BFs were all asian or PIers). when they hit forty suddenly they all convert to become Rice queens. searching for their perfect asian boy, one after another.
maybe it is true what i have read before in a blog ( bathhouse blues), that these over the prime GWM were looking for the next best thing after almost be dropped off the radar of young GWM, which of course is GAM. and those GAM who are potato queens will still go for them even when they are 15-30 years older than them ( sadly, i am in the categories too, but it wont be long). I sometimes wonder will things be different if i am in the scene, meeting more younger GWM i might get lucky with you of them. but then again, looking at my average look and also out of shape body, i better just forget about the idea altogether.
oh i was supposed to talk about the UniQ Auckland, the uni LBGT group that i joined in March but have not able to go for their meeting. could have gone to this week hadn;t i have to replace Jessica for the scripture study meeting cause she wants to meet her boyfriend who will stopped by en route to australia. always feel that it is between choosing God and being gay. cant i have both, promise to be a good boy (yeah right).
oh the FB thing well i decide to just lost contact with him and hopefully he will just stop calling me. i have not have a heart to tell him that he is a bit too feminine to me. and the teeth are like so big i thought i was french kissing a rabbit. Was a good fuck though. was a bit reluctant to let him fuck me but thank god he cant keep a hard on (pity for a 40 yrs old man ). so my cheerie is save again. wonder who will have it. KJ, if he decides to do me one day, or probably Greg, who will let me know when i can go over to his place for some fun. haha.
My honey KJ is fine. he quitted his job and started a new one, after much persuasion he decided to go back to college again to do his degree. as he now works part time, he can now meet me on friday, freeing up my sunday for tramp or an extra day of work. am happy with that.
and fingers-crossed i hope to meet interesting people next time around. Get lucky already!
sometimes i wonder why these old ( mature man) in their 40s like Asian boys so much. i have a feeling that they were never Rice Queens when they are young ( KJ was, having known all his past BFs were all asian or PIers). when they hit forty suddenly they all convert to become Rice queens. searching for their perfect asian boy, one after another.
maybe it is true what i have read before in a blog ( bathhouse blues), that these over the prime GWM were looking for the next best thing after almost be dropped off the radar of young GWM, which of course is GAM. and those GAM who are potato queens will still go for them even when they are 15-30 years older than them ( sadly, i am in the categories too, but it wont be long). I sometimes wonder will things be different if i am in the scene, meeting more younger GWM i might get lucky with you of them. but then again, looking at my average look and also out of shape body, i better just forget about the idea altogether.
oh i was supposed to talk about the UniQ Auckland, the uni LBGT group that i joined in March but have not able to go for their meeting. could have gone to this week hadn;t i have to replace Jessica for the scripture study meeting cause she wants to meet her boyfriend who will stopped by en route to australia. always feel that it is between choosing God and being gay. cant i have both, promise to be a good boy (yeah right).
oh the FB thing well i decide to just lost contact with him and hopefully he will just stop calling me. i have not have a heart to tell him that he is a bit too feminine to me. and the teeth are like so big i thought i was french kissing a rabbit. Was a good fuck though. was a bit reluctant to let him fuck me but thank god he cant keep a hard on (pity for a 40 yrs old man ). so my cheerie is save again. wonder who will have it. KJ, if he decides to do me one day, or probably Greg, who will let me know when i can go over to his place for some fun. haha.
My honey KJ is fine. he quitted his job and started a new one, after much persuasion he decided to go back to college again to do his degree. as he now works part time, he can now meet me on friday, freeing up my sunday for tramp or an extra day of work. am happy with that.
and fingers-crossed i hope to meet interesting people next time around. Get lucky already!
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Le Mars Francais
Today’s Good Friday. I had a great time helping out at the Maundy Thursday mass yesterday. Holy week has always been great if you are a catholic. Great masses one after another and also great tune made you feel very sad as we journey with Christ in His passion. Nevertheless I also feel terrible when it comes to my faith, cause I am constantly reminded that I am gay as well and in a way I am leading a sinful life.
Some people that I know gave up religion so that they can be gay without carrying any guilt with them. Still I find myself too hard to let go of my faith, having just embraced it two years ago. In a away I always feel that I am carrying a burden, which I think will always remind me that God knows how I feel and that in him I can find solace and comfort as I continue to lead a double life.
Latest update with KJ? Went to Rotorua with him at the end of February. It was a great trip and I just enjoy being with him, eat together, sleep together and the lingering hugs. Time is never enough for both of us and the two days could be the longest time we ever spent with each other without being apart.
Uni started again at the beginning of March. As usual I am back in uni, attending lectures and working on my assignments. For this semester I am taking French, something which I have meaning to do for quite a while. As I enrolled in the 101 class, which is for the absolute beginner, I felt like I am cheating because I have had some rudimentary knowledge of the language. I did a six-month informal course during my pre-u years and maybe because of the interest, I never really forgot what I learnt. Plus I did some downloads of songs and films (French gay films rock!) I have some idea of how words are pronounced in French. Then I did some online course (the French Steps) which helped a lot. Sometimes in class I became the guy who knew it all. Quite bad I know but I can’t help it. I enrolled in the class anyway because I want to be taught French formally. My tutors were French women themselves (one of them looks like older version of Carla Bruni). Quite enjoy the classes and hopefully can do well.
oh i have just found a new Fuck buddy (nothing interesting, a 40 yrs old queen i should seriously stop seeing) and also i join the uni LBGT club, but i have not been to any of the meeting yet. but will post about the fuck buddy and the LBGT club soon.
Some people that I know gave up religion so that they can be gay without carrying any guilt with them. Still I find myself too hard to let go of my faith, having just embraced it two years ago. In a away I always feel that I am carrying a burden, which I think will always remind me that God knows how I feel and that in him I can find solace and comfort as I continue to lead a double life.
Latest update with KJ? Went to Rotorua with him at the end of February. It was a great trip and I just enjoy being with him, eat together, sleep together and the lingering hugs. Time is never enough for both of us and the two days could be the longest time we ever spent with each other without being apart.
Uni started again at the beginning of March. As usual I am back in uni, attending lectures and working on my assignments. For this semester I am taking French, something which I have meaning to do for quite a while. As I enrolled in the 101 class, which is for the absolute beginner, I felt like I am cheating because I have had some rudimentary knowledge of the language. I did a six-month informal course during my pre-u years and maybe because of the interest, I never really forgot what I learnt. Plus I did some downloads of songs and films (French gay films rock!) I have some idea of how words are pronounced in French. Then I did some online course (the French Steps) which helped a lot. Sometimes in class I became the guy who knew it all. Quite bad I know but I can’t help it. I enrolled in the class anyway because I want to be taught French formally. My tutors were French women themselves (one of them looks like older version of Carla Bruni). Quite enjoy the classes and hopefully can do well.
oh i have just found a new Fuck buddy (nothing interesting, a 40 yrs old queen i should seriously stop seeing) and also i join the uni LBGT club, but i have not been to any of the meeting yet. but will post about the fuck buddy and the LBGT club soon.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Musings on Valentine's day
It’s Valentine’s day and thank God that I have KJ to celebrate it with. We went to our usual Chinese restaurant. And then I suggested that we took a walk at K’Rd, which is the gay street of Auckland. We walked down the road and of course I saw a few of the famous gay bars and restaurants that I can only read in gay newspapers before (Family, Supermarket, Urge, Kamo). And KJ, having promise a straight colleague of his that he would lend him his straight porn collection ( why would he agree to him at the first place was beyond me), he has to go and buy himself one. So we ended up in a sex store, it was amazing being in there, all the sex toys, and porn videos and magazine. And it was just funny that other customers were choosing from the DVD titles as if they are just normal Hollywood movies. I was quite overwhelmed but I kept my composure, he quickly chose something and pay for it. I was laughing at him after we came out from the shop, my boyfriend buying a straight porn DVD.
After that we went into Family. As we came in around 7 something and it’s Valentine’s day. There were only a few people. So we had a couple of Cokes and then we spent sometime doing some NZ AIDS Foundation survey, which was long winded, explicit and downright stupid. We then left and because of shortage of time, he left without giving me a Valentine day sex, which is cool, as I will be spending the night at this place this weekend, we will have plenty of time for that.
On the way to get my car, I came across somebody driving a Jaguar with the plate number that is very familiar to me, oh my goodness, its Greg! I looked at him inside the car and I can tell he was looking at me too. Guess he and I are both surprised of seeing each other. We have a few times bumping each other but that was about it, we don’t really developing anything outside the pool, something which I have learnt to accept, considering it will only be nine months before I am leaving Auckland for KL.
The Valentine outing was great, and I hope all of you had a great time. For those who are single, dun worry, I am joining you guys next year haha.
After that we went into Family. As we came in around 7 something and it’s Valentine’s day. There were only a few people. So we had a couple of Cokes and then we spent sometime doing some NZ AIDS Foundation survey, which was long winded, explicit and downright stupid. We then left and because of shortage of time, he left without giving me a Valentine day sex, which is cool, as I will be spending the night at this place this weekend, we will have plenty of time for that.
On the way to get my car, I came across somebody driving a Jaguar with the plate number that is very familiar to me, oh my goodness, its Greg! I looked at him inside the car and I can tell he was looking at me too. Guess he and I are both surprised of seeing each other. We have a few times bumping each other but that was about it, we don’t really developing anything outside the pool, something which I have learnt to accept, considering it will only be nine months before I am leaving Auckland for KL.
The Valentine outing was great, and I hope all of you had a great time. For those who are single, dun worry, I am joining you guys next year haha.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Depression
have not been posting any stuff since the new year began. i was working as usual, meeting KJ on sundays and running my own errands on monday before i start working again. but since last saturday i have been suffering from depression. i am feeling upset and not being able to cheer myself up and have some fun.
it all started when i was sent back early from my work on saturday. i was feeling a bit unhappy as to why my boss decided to axe me of all people. i always prided myself as a hardworking staff and one of the staff who are capable and willing to do all the tasks required in the job. Nevertheless i was let disappointed. so i went home. thinking of hitting Olympics afterwards to try my luck with Greg.
well i went at the usual time of 6 something and i managed to meet him there, only to find that he was drying himself up and ready to get dressed. he has a BBQ to attend and has gone for his swim earlier. he sensed the disappointment in me and hope that we can still hook up a fortnight from now (he has his niece's 21st to attend next week). the smile that he gave was not enough to put off the disappointment that was welling up in me. i went for a swim anyway, doing 8 laps with a vengance and determination that i never have before. after the swim i walked back from Newmarket to Downtown, and treated myself to a Movenpick ice cream. i even smiled at myself when i receive the ice-cream from the shop attendant, imagining myself like Will and Jack in 'Will & Grace' who will eat the ice-cream whenever their date went awry or they fall out of love.
Came sunday and it was quite nice to go on a tramp. we went to Waitakeres and it was a relatively short tramp as we finished by 2pm. happily i message KJ. He came and we had dinner at the restaurant we usually frequented. he even joined me for the 7pm church mass. was a great time. yet him being around did not cheer me up, because i am struggling with the fact that i have lost the passion i used to have for him and now i am in dilemma or whether i should continue with the relationship or should i just break up with him.
and then came today, i went downtown as i usual, got a haircut and also got my accomodation settled for the end of January. as i am writing this blog i am still feeling upset. i was thinking because i am having problems and i do not have anybody to pour my heart to, which is something i usually do to help alleviate my sadness. i was left pretty much alone. My usual confidante , which is my mum, did not know what i am facing. she knew the sent off thing but not the KJ thing.
just hoping the depression will go away and i can be happy again. feeling sad and depressed is so miserable i could really kill myself.
it all started when i was sent back early from my work on saturday. i was feeling a bit unhappy as to why my boss decided to axe me of all people. i always prided myself as a hardworking staff and one of the staff who are capable and willing to do all the tasks required in the job. Nevertheless i was let disappointed. so i went home. thinking of hitting Olympics afterwards to try my luck with Greg.
well i went at the usual time of 6 something and i managed to meet him there, only to find that he was drying himself up and ready to get dressed. he has a BBQ to attend and has gone for his swim earlier. he sensed the disappointment in me and hope that we can still hook up a fortnight from now (he has his niece's 21st to attend next week). the smile that he gave was not enough to put off the disappointment that was welling up in me. i went for a swim anyway, doing 8 laps with a vengance and determination that i never have before. after the swim i walked back from Newmarket to Downtown, and treated myself to a Movenpick ice cream. i even smiled at myself when i receive the ice-cream from the shop attendant, imagining myself like Will and Jack in 'Will & Grace' who will eat the ice-cream whenever their date went awry or they fall out of love.
Came sunday and it was quite nice to go on a tramp. we went to Waitakeres and it was a relatively short tramp as we finished by 2pm. happily i message KJ. He came and we had dinner at the restaurant we usually frequented. he even joined me for the 7pm church mass. was a great time. yet him being around did not cheer me up, because i am struggling with the fact that i have lost the passion i used to have for him and now i am in dilemma or whether i should continue with the relationship or should i just break up with him.
and then came today, i went downtown as i usual, got a haircut and also got my accomodation settled for the end of January. as i am writing this blog i am still feeling upset. i was thinking because i am having problems and i do not have anybody to pour my heart to, which is something i usually do to help alleviate my sadness. i was left pretty much alone. My usual confidante , which is my mum, did not know what i am facing. she knew the sent off thing but not the KJ thing.
just hoping the depression will go away and i can be happy again. feeling sad and depressed is so miserable i could really kill myself.
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