about getting laid and feeling depressed

I came back from Muddy Farmer. My brother said I look tired and ought to get some sleep. I feel like I want to cry really. Will tell the entire story.

It was Saturday night and I just finished working at Eden Park for a rugby game. Shame on the Auckland team for losing so badly to the Welli folks. Marty asked me if I am free to take him to Family, me being a nice guy and quite enjoy the prospect of being somebody’s senior really agreed to.

We went to Family, people are getting more as we entered the place. I found myself looking at this older guy who seemed to capture my eyes despite his forty-looking looks. He seemed to look back at me with the same eyes as well, but I did not pursue it further as I have Marty with me. Then we left Family to check out other places. We first head across the road to Fluffy, to our horror of not seeing anybody there at all, pretty shocking. The dancefloor was empty. We then took off to Urge, the Auckland bear bar. and the moment I entered the place I have to take down my spectacles as the surrounding was really warm. It was full house at the small and cramped Urge so the temperature was pretty warm in there. Then we walk back along K’rd to NV, and find some interesting atmosphere there. Finally we head back to family for some dancing and also to watch the Drag show.

The drag show was alright. The first song about taking a dump was not really that funny and it’s disgusting. The next song was ‘chain reaction’ so it was good. There was another song but I can’t remember. Then we danced for a while before I sent Marty back. I decided to head into Family again trying my luck on the guy I was looking just now. I went in gave him a look but there’s no response from him. I went to dance and found myself having some fun with a guy whom I believe to be Andre. He kinda blew me off a couple of times and I have given up contacting him. He seemed drunk or high cause I was feeling him up without him giving back any responses at all. He did not even look at me. Well he then drifted off somewhere and I was about to follow him and make sure he is alright. But then the guy whom I was eying decided to approach me and chat me up. So forget about Andre.

His name is James and to my surprise he is from Wales, as I was just studying a bout Welsh English three weeks ago. He bought me a drink and we had a chat. Then we went into the dance floor and had a dance. Was quite fun feeling him up and kissing him.

Then I decided to call it a night and he walked me home. I brought him up to my apartment for a cup of coffee. We had a chat but we didn’t make up. But we planned to see each other for lunch tomorrow.

So come tomorrow and we had lunch at Nando’s. then it’s off to his place for some action. It was alright. I have not been getting nailed for a while so the experience was not too comfortable but at least I came. He came like half an hour later after I came. He looked alright though the body was a bit off. He is also incredibly smooth for a white guy too. Oh btw he’s 42 years old (I know).
We parted ways when I walked back to catch some nap and him to Foodtown for grocery shopping. I was feeling pretty sad throughout the day, even when I went to church and also meet up with some French travellers who are hanging out with my brother.

I think the stress and loneliness is slowly eating me away. I am not happy and I am in perennial state of worry and also stressed out. I am a bit lonely and also disappointed by all the guys who never seemed to contact me for anything after them showing interest at the beginning. Even with James too I feel bad cause I know this would not lead to nowhere. He’s too old and I am just really sick of chasing guys after guys. I refused to talk to my mom because I don’t want to blurt out the whole not having enough money issue. So I am help to myself. Probably I should pray but God doesn’t really help me much these days. Gosh I am feeling miserable.

I hate feeling depressed.