Depression

have not been posting any stuff since the new year began. i was working as usual, meeting KJ on sundays and running my own errands on monday before i start working again. but since last saturday i have been suffering from depression. i am feeling upset and not being able to cheer myself up and have some fun.

it all started when i was sent back early from my work on saturday. i was feeling a bit unhappy as to why my boss decided to axe me of all people. i always prided myself as a hardworking staff and one of the staff who are capable and willing to do all the tasks required in the job. Nevertheless i was let disappointed. so i went home. thinking of hitting Olympics afterwards to try my luck with Greg.

well i went at the usual time of 6 something and i managed to meet him there, only to find that he was drying himself up and ready to get dressed. he has a BBQ to attend and has gone for his swim earlier. he sensed the disappointment in me and hope that we can still hook up a fortnight from now (he has his niece's 21st to attend next week). the smile that he gave was not enough to put off the disappointment that was welling up in me. i went for a swim anyway, doing 8 laps with a vengance and determination that i never have before. after the swim i walked back from Newmarket to Downtown, and treated myself to a Movenpick ice cream. i even smiled at myself when i receive the ice-cream from the shop attendant, imagining myself like Will and Jack in 'Will & Grace' who will eat the ice-cream whenever their date went awry or they fall out of love.

Came sunday and it was quite nice to go on a tramp. we went to Waitakeres and it was a relatively short tramp as we finished by 2pm. happily i message KJ. He came and we had dinner at the restaurant we usually frequented. he even joined me for the 7pm church mass. was a great time. yet him being around did not cheer me up, because i am struggling with the fact that i have lost the passion i used to have for him and now i am in dilemma or whether i should continue with the relationship or should i just break up with him.

and then came today, i went downtown as i usual, got a haircut and also got my accomodation settled for the end of January. as i am writing this blog i am still feeling upset. i was thinking because i am having problems and i do not have anybody to pour my heart to, which is something i usually do to help alleviate my sadness. i was left pretty much alone. My usual confidante , which is my mum, did not know what i am facing. she knew the sent off thing but not the KJ thing.

just hoping the depression will go away and i can be happy again. feeling sad and depressed is so miserable i could really kill myself.