UniQ experience and A guilt feeling

I was about to post this in last week but I was so snowed under with all the assignments (stupid EDUC papers). Oh well.

So last Thursday I decided to attend UniQ meeting for the first time. It is a club for tertiary queer students studying in Auckland. I tried to attend the meeting twice before but I always chicken out. Guess it is really hard for me to go and meet new people all by myself. I was incredibly shy and introvert by nature but I seriously need some gay company, people you can relate to. So I went.

The president is a chubby guy call Clint. Nice guy and he tried his best to make me feel comfortable, though I felt that the crowd who were there were really stuck up and I was rendered invisible by them. Some of these guys who are suppose to be my ‘sisters’ kinda ignore me and pretend that I was not even there. I have no idea whether because is the ‘you are GAM hence you are invisible’ theory or just that they do not really warm up to newbies quite easily. Maybe I should have joined the club earlier. Who knows things can be different then. But some of them are nice and we had some good chat. Of course the flamboyant ones are really funny. With their gestures and tone of voice I thought I was in one of those gay movies that I watch online. I am attending the coffee night again. Its at alleluya café , st kevins arcade, K’Rd.

Oh today my roommate, an evangelical Christian, found out about me being gay. Damn I should have ended my conversation with Kem before I let Anthony* saw me. Today in class he suddenly dropped y name after a stupid sentence which ends with ‘gay or straight’. I decided to confront him. He of course being the I-think-i-can-argue-my-way -of-out-this guy argues and as usual, I backed down. He said that he would not judge but he said that I should not go into the road which I can never turn back. That line was hard enough for me to be upset the whole evening. If not because of the salsa class at 6pm and the fact that I have an assignment to pass out, I could never pick myself up to brave through the day.

For the past 6 months I became comfortable being gay in NZ. I was at ease with myself and I have a stable boyfriend, yet the archenemy of mine came back to haunt this happy homo with what Anthony has said- the Catholic Guilt. It pains me knowing that I can never be a full Christian like how I wanted to be when I become a Christian. With the whole what would happened to my life and the fact that I will end up in Malaysia for the rest of my life freak me out further. I really wished I can stay here forever. I wished I have done another course that would lift my chance of settling down here. Oh how I wish things were different for me. But I need to be strong and I will pray for the light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing will stop me.