well i came back from my date today. i feel a bit proud as i have done quite a lot of things that can be considered as rites of passage. i feel that every day i am growing a little bit.
Well his name.. we'll just call him KJ. he looks better that what he showed me in his photos when i saw him today at a coffee shop downtown. i know he is bald and he may be reluctant to show me his hair but seriously, he reminds me of Matthew Broderick, my favourite actors. He does look boyish and well he does have his wrinkles but he is overall quite good-looking.
although he would not admit himself but i know he is a rice queen. he dated all Asians guys i think, chinese and Thais and even Indonesian. so i am kinda relieved. his gestures reminds me a lot of myself too, as he always looked a bit puzzled over things and a bit hasty in doing things. He is gentle, sweet and soft spoken. seriously today i thought i have had a date with Matthew Broderick.
he gave me a lift to Olympic pool today. we did some chatting as he drove and gosh there i was, imagining him to be my boyfriend. i feel kinda weird and i guess i am a bit too hopeful over things. i sure did my best to look interested in him but i have no idea how he felt about me. i could be one of his many dates. and he knows i cant commit long term. even if we are together we will be only until november next year. if we were in too deep both of us will be heart broken.
i have no idea but i hope the feelings are mutual, i can only pray for the best.
but i guess the best part was when i gave him a kiss on his cheek before i left his car. gosh i never thought i am so affectionate. he looked a bit suprised when i did that. No idea why. but i feel it is sweet if we can be together, i mean seriously i might be opening up myself to love and to be loved at the same time. am nervous but am definitely looking forward to it.
we will meet again next week, for a dinner, and see how things go, lucky enough i might even get more that a bf, i might get laid. haha
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Online date?
i made so many blog entries this month. so much that i am proud of myself.
talking about that i am seeing somebody that i met online. not even met but i just messaged him a few timew. we'll call him K and its weird that i am doing that. gosh my life is practically turned upside down this months, i guess the last thing that i have not done is to out myself.
back to the subject, i am to meet him this sunday, place and time yet to be confirmed. i am a bit nervous. first of all i have never gone out to meet somebody like online dating. this is so weird. and i have no idea what i am looking forward from this meeting. whether i want a gay friend or actually. finally a Gay NZ boyfriend. but i hope for the best. maybe things can go further.
but the issue is ,sigh*, again, age. he is forty. yeah i know i am fulfilling the stereotype again but i dont want to miss the chance to meet guys just because they are old. and he is not sixty. he looks alright, not the type i like but he does not look too bad either. so i am keeping my fingers crossed. hope he is not the fem queen type, i am pretty much a queen myself (well i kinda internalized it, so i look pretty straight , except sudden burst of femme in me occasionally.) well i hope for the best. should learn not to expect things and most of all, be prepared to face rejections of any kind. its gay life, its hard
talking about that i am seeing somebody that i met online. not even met but i just messaged him a few timew. we'll call him K and its weird that i am doing that. gosh my life is practically turned upside down this months, i guess the last thing that i have not done is to out myself.
back to the subject, i am to meet him this sunday, place and time yet to be confirmed. i am a bit nervous. first of all i have never gone out to meet somebody like online dating. this is so weird. and i have no idea what i am looking forward from this meeting. whether i want a gay friend or actually. finally a Gay NZ boyfriend. but i hope for the best. maybe things can go further.
but the issue is ,sigh*, again, age. he is forty. yeah i know i am fulfilling the stereotype again but i dont want to miss the chance to meet guys just because they are old. and he is not sixty. he looks alright, not the type i like but he does not look too bad either. so i am keeping my fingers crossed. hope he is not the fem queen type, i am pretty much a queen myself (well i kinda internalized it, so i look pretty straight , except sudden burst of femme in me occasionally.) well i hope for the best. should learn not to expect things and most of all, be prepared to face rejections of any kind. its gay life, its hard
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Being a GAM, Greg and first love
i was out of my mind today, i went to Olympic swimming pool for 45 mins, just to get myself a chance to play with my 'friend' Greg. We had a brief session as we all are rushing somewhere. looking at him i am thrown into deep thought.
being a recently professed GAM in New Zealand, i am well aware of the gay community of NZ even when i am not at all into the whole gay scene yet. i know that Gay Asians usually become the target for the older GWM who either not attractive enough to find a GWM or the weird type. We are the second best after young GWM. Looking at myself and Greg, i dun really see why i should not disagree with the notion i presented just now.
nevertheless i felt that both of us were different case somewhat. first of all he has a partner, i am just a buddy he fools around with. he does not seem to ignore me even after we have met a few times. and most of all, i am not even complaining even when he is bald, a bit on the chub side and unappealing.
i watched gay films and tv series not just for fun, but also to learn the hooks and nooks of being a gay guy. one rule i have learnt is never fall in love with your fuck (not till that stage for me yet) buddies. i know greg has a partner, despite of what he said to me i know i could be one of his many hookups. It is usually for guys to fall with the guy they first had sex with. i guess i tried very hard not to fall into the category. Still i feel some lost whenever i have to leave. i have never fallen in love before and Greg, though old as he is, is actually the type of guy that i like. i like older man, caucasian, cute or handsome, preferably bald (it turns me on and i have no idea) and he fits into all the requirements, except the chubby part. the older man factor is not that i dun have a choice or have given up, just that i hope the person i love can fill in the lost father figure in my life, just like how i used to fall in love with my college lecturer.
but i try to keep the feelings aside. knowing that harbouring any feelings for anybody in New Zealand will only bring pain when i leave here.i shall be strong and not to love. being gay is hard, being a loveless and heartless gay is even harder. but hey, i dont really have a choice do i?
being a recently professed GAM in New Zealand, i am well aware of the gay community of NZ even when i am not at all into the whole gay scene yet. i know that Gay Asians usually become the target for the older GWM who either not attractive enough to find a GWM or the weird type. We are the second best after young GWM. Looking at myself and Greg, i dun really see why i should not disagree with the notion i presented just now.
nevertheless i felt that both of us were different case somewhat. first of all he has a partner, i am just a buddy he fools around with. he does not seem to ignore me even after we have met a few times. and most of all, i am not even complaining even when he is bald, a bit on the chub side and unappealing.
i watched gay films and tv series not just for fun, but also to learn the hooks and nooks of being a gay guy. one rule i have learnt is never fall in love with your fuck (not till that stage for me yet) buddies. i know greg has a partner, despite of what he said to me i know i could be one of his many hookups. It is usually for guys to fall with the guy they first had sex with. i guess i tried very hard not to fall into the category. Still i feel some lost whenever i have to leave. i have never fallen in love before and Greg, though old as he is, is actually the type of guy that i like. i like older man, caucasian, cute or handsome, preferably bald (it turns me on and i have no idea) and he fits into all the requirements, except the chubby part. the older man factor is not that i dun have a choice or have given up, just that i hope the person i love can fill in the lost father figure in my life, just like how i used to fall in love with my college lecturer.
but i try to keep the feelings aside. knowing that harbouring any feelings for anybody in New Zealand will only bring pain when i leave here.i shall be strong and not to love. being gay is hard, being a loveless and heartless gay is even harder. but hey, i dont really have a choice do i?
Friday, September 7, 2007
Regarding Billy
really need to commend Veoh for having all these good gay films available online. I watched this one today. there were only three people in the show but the show is very touching albeit simple plot. the affection tension between Billy and Dean exploded in a very heart-warming way.i cried when Billy told Dean about how he felt about him. i cried and my heart felt this pain that is so clear and i realise that i have been living alone pretty much all these years. Even though i am close to my mum, but i am closing my feelings to most people. suddenly i felt that i need somebody to love me for real. Even God and Jesus can do as much. i feel sorry for myself and sometimes i wonder when all these feelings will ever go away. it pains me and i can really cry my heart out but it will be the same the next day and the day after.
Oh God!
Oh God!
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Living in New Zealand
i was sitting with my friends in a function at Crowne Plaza in downtown Auckland today, watching people dancing on the dance floor and a singer couple belting up the oldies and the atmosphere was very merry. however my mind started to wander and before i knew it a surge of pain strike my heart. Once again i am thinking about myself.
Sometimes i wonder whether to take up this scholarship was a right choice at all. I really thank God for the opportunity to come to new zealand to study and get to realised my anglo-madness. i have always wanted to be an european and to speak english and French. not to the extent of hating myself being born an Asian but i really hope that one day i can be a almost real european.
I wonder whether i will ever get the chance to further my studies abroad after doing my course in New Zealand. I dreamt of going to UK for my master and suprisingly, Canada for my Ph.D. then i hope of meeting some girl (maybe more like guy),preferably a French Canadian and then fall in love and get married. Gay marriage is legalised there and i can live there for the rest of my life. this all seem too far fetch and i cant even think about what will happen to me after i graduated and start working. In malaysia there is no way i could be able to be gay. one is that it is illegal to do so and secondly, there are people that i know from family members, friends and church. i cant imagine waht my godfather will think if he finds out that i am gay. in some way or another i am trapped and i will never have a chance to be what i really am. it pains me to think about all this, having to put up with a mask always in front of people, being a person that you want others to think of you. when would i ever get to be myself.
sometimes all these questions cause me to think how great it would be to live in NZ, i can be myself, nobody will really know me. i can be what i want to be. folks back home will never know too much about me.such a bliss.
Sometimes i wonder whether to take up this scholarship was a right choice at all. I really thank God for the opportunity to come to new zealand to study and get to realised my anglo-madness. i have always wanted to be an european and to speak english and French. not to the extent of hating myself being born an Asian but i really hope that one day i can be a almost real european.
I wonder whether i will ever get the chance to further my studies abroad after doing my course in New Zealand. I dreamt of going to UK for my master and suprisingly, Canada for my Ph.D. then i hope of meeting some girl (maybe more like guy),preferably a French Canadian and then fall in love and get married. Gay marriage is legalised there and i can live there for the rest of my life. this all seem too far fetch and i cant even think about what will happen to me after i graduated and start working. In malaysia there is no way i could be able to be gay. one is that it is illegal to do so and secondly, there are people that i know from family members, friends and church. i cant imagine waht my godfather will think if he finds out that i am gay. in some way or another i am trapped and i will never have a chance to be what i really am. it pains me to think about all this, having to put up with a mask always in front of people, being a person that you want others to think of you. when would i ever get to be myself.
sometimes all these questions cause me to think how great it would be to live in NZ, i can be myself, nobody will really know me. i can be what i want to be. folks back home will never know too much about me.such a bliss.
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