Gosh where do i begin? this year has been such a breakthrough for me (this phrase must be the most frequentl used in Charismatic churches). i have done so many things that i never though i will evevr have the courage to do. have sex with men, put up a gay personals profile, meet a guy and now have a boyfriend. I really thank God for the opportunity to come to new zealand and to be able to embrace my gayself.
two days back was quite a happy one for me. i was as usual slogging away at the carwash when, once again to my suprise, Greg came in for a car wash. he waved at me and as my glasses were a bit smeared, i was wondering who is it but based on what i see the person should be greg no doubt, i cleared the glasses and have a closer look and there he is, smiling at me. i did most of his car and when he was about to leave i had a chat with them. some of my colleague must be wondering why i know so many middle age white man ( KJ went into the carwash once to look for me). he told me that the pool now closes at 6, i was dissappointed, thinking that i won;t be able to get off work until 5 something but the miracle happenned. my supervisor decided to close the place earlier and i was able to join Greg at the pool. we had such a nice chat together and i get to know more about him. he also seemed to open up more to me, not so much like last time when i felt that he does not want to have anything to do with me. we had some fun at the shower stall and i left. we exchanged emails and he will let me know when there is a chance for us to hook up. hihi. it was great.
back to the topic after veering away. as i will also spend most of the year 2008 in NZ i will continue to go for more things, am thinkin of going to a gay sauna and also a gay club, just to see how are they like. i have to make the most out of here before i go back to the wardrobe which will be waiting for me the moment i leave auckland.
cheers mate! Bonne annee and have fun.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Merry Christmas folks.
So how is it going with everybody for Christmas? busy shopping for presents? planning a Christmas dinner, doing last minute preparation? whateer ot is, i hope it will be a fine one.
as usual i spent my sunday with KJ. we went for a walk at domain and then had dinner at La Porchetta. i was a great day except when he told me he wanted to shelve our Rotorua plan until winter. i was at first ok with that, thinking that i would not have to quit my job earlier than i am supposed to, but then something stricke me and i got upset, as i went into my crying mode when he left, he did not know for sure why i cried, thinking that i am upset because he is leaving me for the day. but then, still controlled by my emotion, i went and wrote an email spilling all my feelings to him, somethig which i am regretting right now for doing. a spur of emotion is better be controlled rather than letting it control you.
but i was a bit angry at him for doing this. i am flexible and am able to accept the idea that we are not going to Rotorua in Feb. its just that we could have had the trip for very good reasons, Valentine's Day, his and my birthday are all in february and going on a trip would have felt like a honeymoon for us. he did make me look forward for the trip, even though he thinks that i would enjoy going with him to Hamilton for an airshow, i did not have the heart to tell him that i do not enjoy going to events like these. sometimes i wonder whether i was a bit too permissive or i was just being irrational and insist of having things my way that he felt burdened to meet my wants, but i even offered of chipping in for the trip. now i will wait for his response about it. not to mention i will not be able to celebrate christmas with him until Boxing day. but i am all ok with that.
will still be having fun with my friends as well.
Merry Christmas folks, and may the Good Lord bless you always.
as usual i spent my sunday with KJ. we went for a walk at domain and then had dinner at La Porchetta. i was a great day except when he told me he wanted to shelve our Rotorua plan until winter. i was at first ok with that, thinking that i would not have to quit my job earlier than i am supposed to, but then something stricke me and i got upset, as i went into my crying mode when he left, he did not know for sure why i cried, thinking that i am upset because he is leaving me for the day. but then, still controlled by my emotion, i went and wrote an email spilling all my feelings to him, somethig which i am regretting right now for doing. a spur of emotion is better be controlled rather than letting it control you.
but i was a bit angry at him for doing this. i am flexible and am able to accept the idea that we are not going to Rotorua in Feb. its just that we could have had the trip for very good reasons, Valentine's Day, his and my birthday are all in february and going on a trip would have felt like a honeymoon for us. he did make me look forward for the trip, even though he thinks that i would enjoy going with him to Hamilton for an airshow, i did not have the heart to tell him that i do not enjoy going to events like these. sometimes i wonder whether i was a bit too permissive or i was just being irrational and insist of having things my way that he felt burdened to meet my wants, but i even offered of chipping in for the trip. now i will wait for his response about it. not to mention i will not be able to celebrate christmas with him until Boxing day. but i am all ok with that.
will still be having fun with my friends as well.
Merry Christmas folks, and may the Good Lord bless you always.
Friday, December 21, 2007
i want something that i cant have
Once again after working today i went to Olympic, hoping that i can see Greg again. i went there and realised that somebody familiar has just walk away from the gym. It was him, i wanted to catch him and yelled out his name but i do not want to sound like a stalker, plus i cant reach him in time without having to shout at him, and so i followed him to his car, and looked at him from a distance as he unlocked his car and drove off. i sat there, looking at the car that drove away. suddenly i was overwhelmed with disappointment that i cannot begin to describe. the sense of being let down and sighing at my own fortune kept me sat down for a few minutes or so.
thinking that since i was already there, might as well go to the pool, but as i walk there i bumped into a guy who works there. He happens to recognise me and told me that the pool will be closed today and tomorrow for Christmas, much to my suprise. i was left to wonder whether Greg left after he swam or that he knew that the pool was closed too.
i wonder why Greg meant so much to me? he was not my boyfriend to begin with. but maybe because he was the first guy that initiate me into the gay sex. and that as i mentioned before, he was totally the type that i am into. if he was my boyfriend i will be thrilled. i would not mind if he was forty. and if i get to choose, i will pick him than KJ.
but he has a partner, and i was always so afraid to approach him, so as to avoid of him thinking of me as a stalker or a hook-up that will not go away. and so i hope to see him again. wishing for something that i can touch and feel but just can't have.
poor me.
thinking that since i was already there, might as well go to the pool, but as i walk there i bumped into a guy who works there. He happens to recognise me and told me that the pool will be closed today and tomorrow for Christmas, much to my suprise. i was left to wonder whether Greg left after he swam or that he knew that the pool was closed too.
i wonder why Greg meant so much to me? he was not my boyfriend to begin with. but maybe because he was the first guy that initiate me into the gay sex. and that as i mentioned before, he was totally the type that i am into. if he was my boyfriend i will be thrilled. i would not mind if he was forty. and if i get to choose, i will pick him than KJ.
but he has a partner, and i was always so afraid to approach him, so as to avoid of him thinking of me as a stalker or a hook-up that will not go away. and so i hope to see him again. wishing for something that i can touch and feel but just can't have.
poor me.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Cruising
Being just recently embracing the gay life. i still find myself trying to learn some aspects in a gay man's life, one of these is actually, cruising.
when the word comes to mind, all i can think of is the Brian in QAF walking down the back room of Babylon, checking out meats to be his conquest. while this is, of course, does not happen in my life just yet, i still had my share of being cruised at.
my first experience was actually in Mid valley,KL. i was at the urinal stall. as usual, i will sneak a peak at the person next to me for some dick show. the guy beside me could not care less. however, another guy standing beside the guy i was checking out saw what i did and i think it strucked his mind that i am gay as well, so he stared at me when i was looking around and my stare fell at his face. moving his head he was trying to get me somewhere. i walked out and ignored him, but then he walked behind me and still trying to get me. so i shake my hand meaning 'no' and walked out, without looking at him. was too terrified.
my second experience was at the pool but will not talk further as i have a piece about it in my previous post. my last experience came yesterday, even now i still wonder whether i was right or i was mistaken.
was at downtown doing some shopping when i decided to pay a visit to the loo. as i walked into the loo another man came out from the door, he gave me this funny look. the look i guess most gay guys have seen it before, the 'cruisy' look as i. it was a strange look to me at first but then my recently activated gaydar sounded the alarm. a sister in the vicinity checking out on you. but then the whole thing ended there, unfortunately. I went into the loo and did not respond. he was an middle age men, silver cropped hair and quite good looking (once again, what is it between me and old caucasian men anyway?)
if only i gave a smile, which will of course lead to something else, but then it will be another story.
when the word comes to mind, all i can think of is the Brian in QAF walking down the back room of Babylon, checking out meats to be his conquest. while this is, of course, does not happen in my life just yet, i still had my share of being cruised at.
my first experience was actually in Mid valley,KL. i was at the urinal stall. as usual, i will sneak a peak at the person next to me for some dick show. the guy beside me could not care less. however, another guy standing beside the guy i was checking out saw what i did and i think it strucked his mind that i am gay as well, so he stared at me when i was looking around and my stare fell at his face. moving his head he was trying to get me somewhere. i walked out and ignored him, but then he walked behind me and still trying to get me. so i shake my hand meaning 'no' and walked out, without looking at him. was too terrified.
my second experience was at the pool but will not talk further as i have a piece about it in my previous post. my last experience came yesterday, even now i still wonder whether i was right or i was mistaken.
was at downtown doing some shopping when i decided to pay a visit to the loo. as i walked into the loo another man came out from the door, he gave me this funny look. the look i guess most gay guys have seen it before, the 'cruisy' look as i. it was a strange look to me at first but then my recently activated gaydar sounded the alarm. a sister in the vicinity checking out on you. but then the whole thing ended there, unfortunately. I went into the loo and did not respond. he was an middle age men, silver cropped hair and quite good looking (once again, what is it between me and old caucasian men anyway?)
if only i gave a smile, which will of course lead to something else, but then it will be another story.
Monday, December 3, 2007
At the airport
Today Rebecca drove me to the airport to pick up my friend and her family who have gone down to South island for a trip. As we were approaching the airport my heart felt tightened. Will the feeling be what i will get when i leave auckland next year?
when the airport was in sight i yelled out ' i dun want to go back to Malaysia', Rebecca gave a head shake, i came out to her two years ago, but only admitted that the Howick friend was actually my boyfriend. she took it well. Thank God for another understanding soul.
as we stepped into the departure point of domestic terminal, my mind began to play a farewell scene in the future. my friends and I busy getting the bags checked in. KJ standing there, feeling lost and sad but tried to hide it. some of my friends who don't know who he is might be talking to themselves, asking who is that man and is he my friend? After the last call i will give him a tight hug, maybe telling him to be strong and do come to malaysia when he has the chance, you will be welcomed there, and wait for me, i will try to come back, as i walk away from him i will try to hold back my tears, and hope that none ofmy other friends knwo what actually happened. that i have to leave someone that i love and face the possibility of not seeing him again.Only God knows how many years more before i can come back to him for good,.
it was sweet that he actually thinks we can still be together after five years. i have to finish my last year and serve my teaching bond for four to five years before i can do anything about my life. i planned of getting the new zealand teaching qualification and land a teaching job. then i can go back to NZ and hopefully, i can teach in auckland and i can stay with him.
the plan was laid out but the odds? i might have to stay for extra years? that no schools in NZ will want a Malaysian teacher. i told him sometimes that he did not have to wait for me, with so many asian boys in auckland surely he can find somebody who is as sweet or even better than me. he refused to and said he will wait. i could have decided to end our relationship but i find it too hard for me to let it go. why would i want to let go of someone who loves me so much? and so i carry on, everyday thinking that i will leave him soon, and the clock is ticking.
sometimes i wonder why do i get into this? maybe i was too lonely and i do not really care who comes to me as long as he likes me. Now i have to face this kind of problem, one which i cant do anything about and hurts like hell.
as the whole convoy leaves for auckland city i sat in the car,imagining him smiling at me. 'will come and see you honey. and will wait for you, even for years.'
my tears rolled down. Oh KJ, don't.
when the airport was in sight i yelled out ' i dun want to go back to Malaysia', Rebecca gave a head shake, i came out to her two years ago, but only admitted that the Howick friend was actually my boyfriend. she took it well. Thank God for another understanding soul.
as we stepped into the departure point of domestic terminal, my mind began to play a farewell scene in the future. my friends and I busy getting the bags checked in. KJ standing there, feeling lost and sad but tried to hide it. some of my friends who don't know who he is might be talking to themselves, asking who is that man and is he my friend? After the last call i will give him a tight hug, maybe telling him to be strong and do come to malaysia when he has the chance, you will be welcomed there, and wait for me, i will try to come back, as i walk away from him i will try to hold back my tears, and hope that none ofmy other friends knwo what actually happened. that i have to leave someone that i love and face the possibility of not seeing him again.Only God knows how many years more before i can come back to him for good,.
it was sweet that he actually thinks we can still be together after five years. i have to finish my last year and serve my teaching bond for four to five years before i can do anything about my life. i planned of getting the new zealand teaching qualification and land a teaching job. then i can go back to NZ and hopefully, i can teach in auckland and i can stay with him.
the plan was laid out but the odds? i might have to stay for extra years? that no schools in NZ will want a Malaysian teacher. i told him sometimes that he did not have to wait for me, with so many asian boys in auckland surely he can find somebody who is as sweet or even better than me. he refused to and said he will wait. i could have decided to end our relationship but i find it too hard for me to let it go. why would i want to let go of someone who loves me so much? and so i carry on, everyday thinking that i will leave him soon, and the clock is ticking.
sometimes i wonder why do i get into this? maybe i was too lonely and i do not really care who comes to me as long as he likes me. Now i have to face this kind of problem, one which i cant do anything about and hurts like hell.
as the whole convoy leaves for auckland city i sat in the car,imagining him smiling at me. 'will come and see you honey. and will wait for you, even for years.'
my tears rolled down. Oh KJ, don't.
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