about getting laid and feeling depressed

I came back from Muddy Farmer. My brother said I look tired and ought to get some sleep. I feel like I want to cry really. Will tell the entire story.

It was Saturday night and I just finished working at Eden Park for a rugby game. Shame on the Auckland team for losing so badly to the Welli folks. Marty asked me if I am free to take him to Family, me being a nice guy and quite enjoy the prospect of being somebody’s senior really agreed to.

We went to Family, people are getting more as we entered the place. I found myself looking at this older guy who seemed to capture my eyes despite his forty-looking looks. He seemed to look back at me with the same eyes as well, but I did not pursue it further as I have Marty with me. Then we left Family to check out other places. We first head across the road to Fluffy, to our horror of not seeing anybody there at all, pretty shocking. The dancefloor was empty. We then took off to Urge, the Auckland bear bar. and the moment I entered the place I have to take down my spectacles as the surrounding was really warm. It was full house at the small and cramped Urge so the temperature was pretty warm in there. Then we walk back along K’rd to NV, and find some interesting atmosphere there. Finally we head back to family for some dancing and also to watch the Drag show.

The drag show was alright. The first song about taking a dump was not really that funny and it’s disgusting. The next song was ‘chain reaction’ so it was good. There was another song but I can’t remember. Then we danced for a while before I sent Marty back. I decided to head into Family again trying my luck on the guy I was looking just now. I went in gave him a look but there’s no response from him. I went to dance and found myself having some fun with a guy whom I believe to be Andre. He kinda blew me off a couple of times and I have given up contacting him. He seemed drunk or high cause I was feeling him up without him giving back any responses at all. He did not even look at me. Well he then drifted off somewhere and I was about to follow him and make sure he is alright. But then the guy whom I was eying decided to approach me and chat me up. So forget about Andre.

His name is James and to my surprise he is from Wales, as I was just studying a bout Welsh English three weeks ago. He bought me a drink and we had a chat. Then we went into the dance floor and had a dance. Was quite fun feeling him up and kissing him.

Then I decided to call it a night and he walked me home. I brought him up to my apartment for a cup of coffee. We had a chat but we didn’t make up. But we planned to see each other for lunch tomorrow.

So come tomorrow and we had lunch at Nando’s. then it’s off to his place for some action. It was alright. I have not been getting nailed for a while so the experience was not too comfortable but at least I came. He came like half an hour later after I came. He looked alright though the body was a bit off. He is also incredibly smooth for a white guy too. Oh btw he’s 42 years old (I know).
We parted ways when I walked back to catch some nap and him to Foodtown for grocery shopping. I was feeling pretty sad throughout the day, even when I went to church and also meet up with some French travellers who are hanging out with my brother.

I think the stress and loneliness is slowly eating me away. I am not happy and I am in perennial state of worry and also stressed out. I am a bit lonely and also disappointed by all the guys who never seemed to contact me for anything after them showing interest at the beginning. Even with James too I feel bad cause I know this would not lead to nowhere. He’s too old and I am just really sick of chasing guys after guys. I refused to talk to my mom because I don’t want to blurt out the whole not having enough money issue. So I am help to myself. Probably I should pray but God doesn’t really help me much these days. Gosh I am feeling miserable.

I hate feeling depressed.

Enchante Andre!

It has been a while since my last post. I feel that I should only post something when I have something to write. So here it is.

Last week is the first anniversary of my first gay sexual encounter. I went to the pool. Without getting disappointed, I saw Greg. But we didn’t do anything because his partner is around. As for his case I have long given up on him. I was there primarily to have a good swim and getting prepared for the Taranaki hike this week. So after shower I just went back and feeling sad? Yes.
So the next day I woke up early and went to a tramp at the Piha valley with the Club. It was great hike and I had great time seeing valleys and streams. My Gym workout has been really helpful. I have no idea whether it was an easy hike or my stamina has improved but I did not feel really tired doing the hike.

As the hike finished early, I managed to get back to city, attend mass and back to apartment by 6.30pm. The thought lingering in my head as I was considering should I attend the ‘Underware’ party at the bear bar Urge that night. The tickets are supposed to be sold out but my UniQ friend Seb managed to get me a free ticket. Putting my inhibition of wearing just underwear in a public place aside, I walked into the bar after removing and give up my clothes for safekeeping.
The lights are dimmed, techno music playing loudly in the small bar as men, mostly bears, walking around in briefs and boxers, dance, drink and have a chat. Of course the excitement of the night was to see people making out in the dance floor. Some were sucking each other, some kissing passionately. Some were rubbing their crotch and bum excitedly towards each other. That was one unique experience that I will never forget my entire life.

Coming to the place there were only 3 Asian boys I think, yet I still managed to end up being invisible once again, although I did get picked up by this guy. He looks a bit old but his body is hot. Nice cock too. Name’s Aldo and we had fun making out in dance floor. So in a way I was not left out amidst the fun that everybody seems to be having. But then he had to leave early and it doesn’t seem that I am going back to his place that night so I just gave him my number. Prospect? Not counting on it.

I stayed on for another hour before I decided that rather than just sitting there nursing my frustration and tiredness I should just call it a night. Seb who was there as well were busy getting it on with another two more guys somewhere in the corner. Good on him. So I get dressed and walked back.

On my way back I was checked out by a guy driving a Merc convertible. I decided to ignore him and walk further down K’rd. Then he decided to drove his car up and park near me again. I got curious, stopped and tried to look at him but I can only look at half his face. He opened up his car door. Not really given it a thought I just jumped into the car, praying to God for protection against psycho-killers.

I can’t look at his face clearly but he is on the mature side as well. Name’s Andre and he is half French. Despite him knowing only a bit of French I was talking to him in French, much to his annoyance. He sent me home but he overshot and he decided to stop at a dark corner and we made out.

We sucked each other and then we fucked each other briefly as well. Apparently he liked to be fucked by small cock ( weird?) and hope that we can get it on there in the car. Well I am not keen on the idea. We played for a while before he dropped me off and promised to see me the next day.

Well of course he can’t make it the next day. Just my luck I reckon. I did tell him we can see each other on weekend. So we’ll see how it goes after my Taranaki trip. I do hope for something but I just don’t seem to have the luck with guys.

Well it is still a good outing, I got half lucky. Thank god but I do hope for more.

Surprise, surprises, surprised

Saturday night. With one of my fag hag Ali, who has just got a new job, and me who have just quitted my job as a car groomer, we embark on a K'Rd adventure yet again. what was supposed to be a normal night out becomes an emotional event.

it all started quite well, DJ Starli at Family were playing hot tunes and people were dancing gaily, me too we having a good time grooving with Ali after our friends left early to call it a night. as i was dancing my eyes were glancing around, ogling and checking out hot boys. not that i can have them, but that i can at least have some fun imagining things. suddenly a guy catched my eyes. the horror is that i knew that guy and he is not supposed to be seen in a gay bar. He was actually my coursemate from malaysia. holy space, it was * Ivan ( pseudoname is used to enclosed identity).

i waved and he came over, he was pretty surprised enough to see me they as well. Rather than thinking crap now somebody else know that i'm gay, i am quite comfortable in my own skin to have a chat with him. but the music was too loud and we just decided to chat later. he went off somewhere and i was left to dance with Ali.

the next two minntes another famliar face came to mine. this time i was not too shocked as the guy was Dave. we had a quick chat and a few gropes here and there. he then left to prey for some hot asian boys while i danced again to my tunes.

as i am dancing again another face came to me. he looks familiar too and my mind was hit that i met that guy, *Rodney from church! then he saw me and quickly say hi. it was just funny we both gave each other ' you're gay too huh? but's that's alright' look to each other. after we met Ali went for a fag break and i continue to have a chat with Rodney. when i left Family i saw another guy who is the communion ministers at St. Pats, looks like there are heaps of closet Catholics out there.

as i walked back i was reminded of all these faces and i just sighed at everybody's circumstances. Ivan did not stricke me as a gay guy at all until i saw him. i grieved for both of us as we will embark of the closet gay road as soon as we go back to malaysia. it might be easy for me to be gay back home ut for Ivan, being a muslim can be quite difficult. i pray that one day all of us can move abroad and pursue our own happiness without the fear of persecution.

For Rodney i am relieved that finally i found a gay catholic guy as a friend. Only he knows what i feel inside, the whole embracing your gay side and also the catholic guilt that comes with it. bwe promised to catch up and i hope we can share each other thoughts and feelings too.

for Dave, he is a player and i am glad i was aware of it from the beginning. he ought to settle down before he hits the 40 yrs old mark and never be alble to score asian boys as easy as he used to.

three strikes. three strokes, three cheers

Another First time?

Today it drizzled in the morning. I walked back from Queen St back home. Although Auckland still looks the same to me, I realize that I am walking back home yet as a different person.
Last night I got a surprise call from, lets call him Dave. He phoned me asking whether we want to hook up. I tried a couple of time to ask him out but he keeps saying that he’s busy. I thought he might not be interested, so I decided to give up when the date comes along.

He place is just a short walk from mine. I arrived at the lobby of the apartment block where he is staying in. he then came down. First impression? He does not look too bad, just that he looks like the bear type of Darren Hayes. He may not be as handsome as KJ, but he looks masculine, dresses quite well and surely I am expecting full action tonight.

We spend a good two hours at the sauna of his apartment building. We talked, kissed and blew each other. Then we went up to his apartment. His apartment is really small and he and his roommate really struggled for storage space. We then had fun in his bedroom.

It was my first time bottoming and I frankly was a bit afraid of what might happen. He helped loosen me up and i was ready and prepared to lose my virginity. When he first went in the pain was just plain excruciating. I could barely say anything. As he tried to make me feel comfortable I was starting to enjoy it, albeit still struggling with the pain and the thought that I might ease myself down there. Then he came and I managed to come as well. We then had a chat before we fall asleep.

In the morning we had a chat and I was getting it again. This time it was still painful and my moaning was like 30% pleasure and 70% pain but thank goodness he doesn’t last long. He came again. We have a cup of tea before I left and he got ready for work.

It was funny that we reacted to each other as if we are already boyfriends. We hugged, cuddled and talked to each other. Even I feel that we have together for years though we barely know each other. We’ll see how it goes. Not really sure how but I will try to make it work. need a replacement haha

am single again!

It’s now over between me and KJ, we went out for lunch and I decided to gently break the news to him. He took it quite well and I am quite relieved with that. We then walked separate ways as he went to take his car. ‘Take care’ was the parting words.

When I am back at home I just cried. I have never experienced break-up before and frankly it is pretty overwhelming. Especially when I was the one who asked for a break up, why I am sad was a bit puzzling. But being myself it wasn’t too hard to figure out why am I feeling this way.

Supposed it is the feeling of loneliness that I am worried about. I have never had close friends even since I left high school so I have always felt the feeling of loneliness. Then KJ came into my life and I suppose I value him more as a close friend rather than a boyfriend. We have been together for 9 months and it is pretty hard to lose a close friend. And having been in a relationship for so long it is very hard to get use to singlehood again. But then I know I will be single again when I get back to Malaysia so why not now. At least I will not have to deal with it together with dealing with possibility of leaving New Zealand for good.

Well now that I have come to a full circle I know how life revolves, supposed getting into and out of a relationship is a very meaningful experience and in many ways I have just grown up.

updates for June

Week 2 of the study week and I am almost mad. My friends have left for Australia and will spend three weeks there. Must be wicked fun. I’ll be going to Sydney on the last week of my holiday. Attending WYD 08. Will be quite meaningful. Can’t wait for them.
Currently am coughing like crazy, have no idea why I suddenly start coughing. It has been ages since I cough. I still remember when I was ten that I cough like that. Man I thought I was going to die that year. But I survived till now and I supposed I will again this time.
Nowadays too I am listening to country. ‘Brokeback Mountain’ I supposed triggered my interest in the songs. I tend to enjoy the rhythm and then drift off into another realm of thought. My brother happened to be listening to country as well so I borrowed a CD. Man the tunes were great. Enjoy every song of it.
Am thinking of cheating behind KJ too. Hoping to see this guy for sex hopefully. Well I can always have a bf and a fb right? No harm haha. Will do the follow up post on this.

UniQ experience and A guilt feeling

I was about to post this in last week but I was so snowed under with all the assignments (stupid EDUC papers). Oh well.

So last Thursday I decided to attend UniQ meeting for the first time. It is a club for tertiary queer students studying in Auckland. I tried to attend the meeting twice before but I always chicken out. Guess it is really hard for me to go and meet new people all by myself. I was incredibly shy and introvert by nature but I seriously need some gay company, people you can relate to. So I went.

The president is a chubby guy call Clint. Nice guy and he tried his best to make me feel comfortable, though I felt that the crowd who were there were really stuck up and I was rendered invisible by them. Some of these guys who are suppose to be my ‘sisters’ kinda ignore me and pretend that I was not even there. I have no idea whether because is the ‘you are GAM hence you are invisible’ theory or just that they do not really warm up to newbies quite easily. Maybe I should have joined the club earlier. Who knows things can be different then. But some of them are nice and we had some good chat. Of course the flamboyant ones are really funny. With their gestures and tone of voice I thought I was in one of those gay movies that I watch online. I am attending the coffee night again. Its at alleluya café , st kevins arcade, K’Rd.

Oh today my roommate, an evangelical Christian, found out about me being gay. Damn I should have ended my conversation with Kem before I let Anthony* saw me. Today in class he suddenly dropped y name after a stupid sentence which ends with ‘gay or straight’. I decided to confront him. He of course being the I-think-i-can-argue-my-way -of-out-this guy argues and as usual, I backed down. He said that he would not judge but he said that I should not go into the road which I can never turn back. That line was hard enough for me to be upset the whole evening. If not because of the salsa class at 6pm and the fact that I have an assignment to pass out, I could never pick myself up to brave through the day.

For the past 6 months I became comfortable being gay in NZ. I was at ease with myself and I have a stable boyfriend, yet the archenemy of mine came back to haunt this happy homo with what Anthony has said- the Catholic Guilt. It pains me knowing that I can never be a full Christian like how I wanted to be when I become a Christian. With the whole what would happened to my life and the fact that I will end up in Malaysia for the rest of my life freak me out further. I really wished I can stay here forever. I wished I have done another course that would lift my chance of settling down here. Oh how I wish things were different for me. But I need to be strong and I will pray for the light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing will stop me.