It’s now over between me and KJ, we went out for lunch and I decided to gently break the news to him. He took it quite well and I am quite relieved with that. We then walked separate ways as he went to take his car. ‘Take care’ was the parting words.
When I am back at home I just cried. I have never experienced break-up before and frankly it is pretty overwhelming. Especially when I was the one who asked for a break up, why I am sad was a bit puzzling. But being myself it wasn’t too hard to figure out why am I feeling this way.
Supposed it is the feeling of loneliness that I am worried about. I have never had close friends even since I left high school so I have always felt the feeling of loneliness. Then KJ came into my life and I suppose I value him more as a close friend rather than a boyfriend. We have been together for 9 months and it is pretty hard to lose a close friend. And having been in a relationship for so long it is very hard to get use to singlehood again. But then I know I will be single again when I get back to Malaysia so why not now. At least I will not have to deal with it together with dealing with possibility of leaving New Zealand for good.
Well now that I have come to a full circle I know how life revolves, supposed getting into and out of a relationship is a very meaningful experience and in many ways I have just grown up.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
updates for June
Week 2 of the study week and I am almost mad. My friends have left for Australia and will spend three weeks there. Must be wicked fun. I’ll be going to Sydney on the last week of my holiday. Attending WYD 08. Will be quite meaningful. Can’t wait for them.
Currently am coughing like crazy, have no idea why I suddenly start coughing. It has been ages since I cough. I still remember when I was ten that I cough like that. Man I thought I was going to die that year. But I survived till now and I supposed I will again this time.
Nowadays too I am listening to country. ‘Brokeback Mountain’ I supposed triggered my interest in the songs. I tend to enjoy the rhythm and then drift off into another realm of thought. My brother happened to be listening to country as well so I borrowed a CD. Man the tunes were great. Enjoy every song of it.
Am thinking of cheating behind KJ too. Hoping to see this guy for sex hopefully. Well I can always have a bf and a fb right? No harm haha. Will do the follow up post on this.
Currently am coughing like crazy, have no idea why I suddenly start coughing. It has been ages since I cough. I still remember when I was ten that I cough like that. Man I thought I was going to die that year. But I survived till now and I supposed I will again this time.
Nowadays too I am listening to country. ‘Brokeback Mountain’ I supposed triggered my interest in the songs. I tend to enjoy the rhythm and then drift off into another realm of thought. My brother happened to be listening to country as well so I borrowed a CD. Man the tunes were great. Enjoy every song of it.
Am thinking of cheating behind KJ too. Hoping to see this guy for sex hopefully. Well I can always have a bf and a fb right? No harm haha. Will do the follow up post on this.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
UniQ experience and A guilt feeling
I was about to post this in last week but I was so snowed under with all the assignments (stupid EDUC papers). Oh well.
So last Thursday I decided to attend UniQ meeting for the first time. It is a club for tertiary queer students studying in Auckland. I tried to attend the meeting twice before but I always chicken out. Guess it is really hard for me to go and meet new people all by myself. I was incredibly shy and introvert by nature but I seriously need some gay company, people you can relate to. So I went.
The president is a chubby guy call Clint. Nice guy and he tried his best to make me feel comfortable, though I felt that the crowd who were there were really stuck up and I was rendered invisible by them. Some of these guys who are suppose to be my ‘sisters’ kinda ignore me and pretend that I was not even there. I have no idea whether because is the ‘you are GAM hence you are invisible’ theory or just that they do not really warm up to newbies quite easily. Maybe I should have joined the club earlier. Who knows things can be different then. But some of them are nice and we had some good chat. Of course the flamboyant ones are really funny. With their gestures and tone of voice I thought I was in one of those gay movies that I watch online. I am attending the coffee night again. Its at alleluya café , st kevins arcade, K’Rd.
Oh today my roommate, an evangelical Christian, found out about me being gay. Damn I should have ended my conversation with Kem before I let Anthony* saw me. Today in class he suddenly dropped y name after a stupid sentence which ends with ‘gay or straight’. I decided to confront him. He of course being the I-think-i-can-argue-my-way -of-out-this guy argues and as usual, I backed down. He said that he would not judge but he said that I should not go into the road which I can never turn back. That line was hard enough for me to be upset the whole evening. If not because of the salsa class at 6pm and the fact that I have an assignment to pass out, I could never pick myself up to brave through the day.
For the past 6 months I became comfortable being gay in NZ. I was at ease with myself and I have a stable boyfriend, yet the archenemy of mine came back to haunt this happy homo with what Anthony has said- the Catholic Guilt. It pains me knowing that I can never be a full Christian like how I wanted to be when I become a Christian. With the whole what would happened to my life and the fact that I will end up in Malaysia for the rest of my life freak me out further. I really wished I can stay here forever. I wished I have done another course that would lift my chance of settling down here. Oh how I wish things were different for me. But I need to be strong and I will pray for the light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing will stop me.
So last Thursday I decided to attend UniQ meeting for the first time. It is a club for tertiary queer students studying in Auckland. I tried to attend the meeting twice before but I always chicken out. Guess it is really hard for me to go and meet new people all by myself. I was incredibly shy and introvert by nature but I seriously need some gay company, people you can relate to. So I went.
The president is a chubby guy call Clint. Nice guy and he tried his best to make me feel comfortable, though I felt that the crowd who were there were really stuck up and I was rendered invisible by them. Some of these guys who are suppose to be my ‘sisters’ kinda ignore me and pretend that I was not even there. I have no idea whether because is the ‘you are GAM hence you are invisible’ theory or just that they do not really warm up to newbies quite easily. Maybe I should have joined the club earlier. Who knows things can be different then. But some of them are nice and we had some good chat. Of course the flamboyant ones are really funny. With their gestures and tone of voice I thought I was in one of those gay movies that I watch online. I am attending the coffee night again. Its at alleluya café , st kevins arcade, K’Rd.
Oh today my roommate, an evangelical Christian, found out about me being gay. Damn I should have ended my conversation with Kem before I let Anthony* saw me. Today in class he suddenly dropped y name after a stupid sentence which ends with ‘gay or straight’. I decided to confront him. He of course being the I-think-i-can-argue-my-way -of-out-this guy argues and as usual, I backed down. He said that he would not judge but he said that I should not go into the road which I can never turn back. That line was hard enough for me to be upset the whole evening. If not because of the salsa class at 6pm and the fact that I have an assignment to pass out, I could never pick myself up to brave through the day.
For the past 6 months I became comfortable being gay in NZ. I was at ease with myself and I have a stable boyfriend, yet the archenemy of mine came back to haunt this happy homo with what Anthony has said- the Catholic Guilt. It pains me knowing that I can never be a full Christian like how I wanted to be when I become a Christian. With the whole what would happened to my life and the fact that I will end up in Malaysia for the rest of my life freak me out further. I really wished I can stay here forever. I wished I have done another course that would lift my chance of settling down here. Oh how I wish things were different for me. But I need to be strong and I will pray for the light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing will stop me.
Friday, April 25, 2008
tales of thursday and Friday
After a long day today and yesterday, I guess it is just right to pen this down.
Friday I spent the morning cleanin up the apartment with my mates. Then I had a long day with KJ. We took a stroll along Ponsonby Road, looking for the Dorothy’s Sisters, the restaurant. Then we went back for KFC and some cuddling before he went back around 9.30pm.
Thursday was supposed to be interesting. Well despite not being able to have some fun with Greg after the pool swim (his brother decided to crash at his place at last minute so he did not have a place for our fun, his partner was away at Sydney). We had a dinner at Wagamama though. It is cool that I get to know a bit more about him, but it just made me feel worse after he sent me home. I realized that he is the guy I wanted to be with. The fact that he is not available pains me so bad that I almost burst into tears. Now I know how it feels like to love someone and not being loved back. It could be my selfish wanting but it sucks really when you want something you can’t have. As I came back around 8, I spent almost one and a half hour nursing the pain before I decided that enough is enough. I smarten myself up, changed into my party clothes and walked my way to K’Rd for my debut in a gay club.
I went to Family, and the Wigarama was being held there. Drag Queens from around North Island were there to perform and raise funds for the New Zealand AIDS Foundation. Walking to the place I felt a strange feeling of peace. It is great to go into places where everybody around you is just like you. It is the sense of belonging, to gays haha. The boys are beautiful but of course being an Asian boy you are invisible. Maybe the going-ons last night was not conducive for cruising. But maybe I am not hot enough.
The shows was great, the Girls performed very well, cool dance moves and also cool tunes. The boys got high whenever a gay anthem was performed (like I Will Survive, obviously). I myself enjoyed the Madonna medley and a girl impersonating Christina Aguilera for Candyman. The music in between shows were good too. They had Feedback, Gimme More and Piece of Me. Only songs in gay bars will suit a gay man’s ears. They closed at twelve but I was too tired to continue dancing at Supermarket downstairs. The songs are not nice and I had a long swim before coming. After three glasses of beer all I want is a bed.
I think the drag queens are so cool. They dressed very well and are able to flaunt their femininity. I sometimes wished I could be like them too. But if I want to sing I will sing ‘Wow’ by Kylie and ‘Snow on the Sahara’ by Anggun haha.
Being alone in gay bar sucks. I saw a few couples in Family, hugging, kissing and dancing together. How I hope KJ was with me, or probably Greg deep down in my heart. But I realize I still have a long life ahead of me. With God’s grace I might be able to come back to NZ again. Greg said that it was possible. No idea. Will pray hard for it. But then I wonder will I ever find someone like Greg to love. Gay life is full of pain. To all the sisters out there I know how you feel. Pray that we’ll find someone to love and someone to love us.
Cheers mate.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Express yourself
Well this week was supposed to be a holiday for me but I am stuck in school, doing my block visit in Mt Albert Grammar. Things are fine in the school. And I have a suspect in school which I think he could be gay haha. He dresses immaculately, his eyebrows looked trimmed and he seemed to realize that I was checking him out too.
Last Sunday I was watching C4 and I was surprised that the ‘U choose 40’ segment they did a Madonna vs Michael Jackson music videos. I stick to the show from 8.30 till 11.30, dreading every MJ videos ( and wondering how did he bleached himself from black to white) and enjoy all the Madonna’s. Seriously I don’t know whether I like Madonna because she is fabulous or because all gays like him, so I jumped in the bandwagon as well. Her latest hit was a let down though. She joined into the whole R&B hip-hop thing and I wonder will I ever hear any electronic pop out of her again. I mean she reigned the whole 80’s and 90’s pop scene with her songs. She does not get the ‘Queen of Pop’ title for nothing.
Well I feel her 80’s songs are just great. In fact I am listening to some of them right now and they made it into my current favourites folder in my mp3 player. Songs like ‘material girl’, ‘papa don’t preach’ and ‘vogue’ just make me feel like dancing and imagine how it is like to live in the 80’s. From the C4 show I discovered ‘express yourself’, which I quite like it as well, sounds like ‘vogue’ but less draggy.
I guess what makes gay men like him so much is her ‘don’t care all attitude’, her showing of femininity, sexual appeal and also back to the word ‘vogueness’. Her songs has fast beats, disco-ish and in a way exudes the divaness in everybody. Although I consider her to be as good as kylie, Madonna was the icon of 80’s and it will not be too much to say that she is the backbone of the 80’s music. The 80’s is the age of slow rock and also Madonna’s pop songs.
Well I hope she will continue to make good stuff. Her electronica pop numbers are good as well ( love dancing to ‘Music’). As I never heard her entire album yet, I hope she has some dance numbers for her eager gay fans.
Which leads me to the point that I need to go check out the gay clubs.
Last Sunday I was watching C4 and I was surprised that the ‘U choose 40’ segment they did a Madonna vs Michael Jackson music videos. I stick to the show from 8.30 till 11.30, dreading every MJ videos ( and wondering how did he bleached himself from black to white) and enjoy all the Madonna’s. Seriously I don’t know whether I like Madonna because she is fabulous or because all gays like him, so I jumped in the bandwagon as well. Her latest hit was a let down though. She joined into the whole R&B hip-hop thing and I wonder will I ever hear any electronic pop out of her again. I mean she reigned the whole 80’s and 90’s pop scene with her songs. She does not get the ‘Queen of Pop’ title for nothing.
Well I feel her 80’s songs are just great. In fact I am listening to some of them right now and they made it into my current favourites folder in my mp3 player. Songs like ‘material girl’, ‘papa don’t preach’ and ‘vogue’ just make me feel like dancing and imagine how it is like to live in the 80’s. From the C4 show I discovered ‘express yourself’, which I quite like it as well, sounds like ‘vogue’ but less draggy.
I guess what makes gay men like him so much is her ‘don’t care all attitude’, her showing of femininity, sexual appeal and also back to the word ‘vogueness’. Her songs has fast beats, disco-ish and in a way exudes the divaness in everybody. Although I consider her to be as good as kylie, Madonna was the icon of 80’s and it will not be too much to say that she is the backbone of the 80’s music. The 80’s is the age of slow rock and also Madonna’s pop songs.
Well I hope she will continue to make good stuff. Her electronica pop numbers are good as well ( love dancing to ‘Music’). As I never heard her entire album yet, I hope she has some dance numbers for her eager gay fans.
Which leads me to the point that I need to go check out the gay clubs.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Gay mens (mature,old,older)
Gosh being a GAM in New Zealand is so miserable. i guess things were even worse for me being not in the scene. having more and more profiles set up in websites does not really help. Reason? keep seeing the same old faces again.
sometimes i wonder why these old ( mature man) in their 40s like Asian boys so much. i have a feeling that they were never Rice Queens when they are young ( KJ was, having known all his past BFs were all asian or PIers). when they hit forty suddenly they all convert to become Rice queens. searching for their perfect asian boy, one after another.
maybe it is true what i have read before in a blog ( bathhouse blues), that these over the prime GWM were looking for the next best thing after almost be dropped off the radar of young GWM, which of course is GAM. and those GAM who are potato queens will still go for them even when they are 15-30 years older than them ( sadly, i am in the categories too, but it wont be long). I sometimes wonder will things be different if i am in the scene, meeting more younger GWM i might get lucky with you of them. but then again, looking at my average look and also out of shape body, i better just forget about the idea altogether.
oh i was supposed to talk about the UniQ Auckland, the uni LBGT group that i joined in March but have not able to go for their meeting. could have gone to this week hadn;t i have to replace Jessica for the scripture study meeting cause she wants to meet her boyfriend who will stopped by en route to australia. always feel that it is between choosing God and being gay. cant i have both, promise to be a good boy (yeah right).
oh the FB thing well i decide to just lost contact with him and hopefully he will just stop calling me. i have not have a heart to tell him that he is a bit too feminine to me. and the teeth are like so big i thought i was french kissing a rabbit. Was a good fuck though. was a bit reluctant to let him fuck me but thank god he cant keep a hard on (pity for a 40 yrs old man ). so my cheerie is save again. wonder who will have it. KJ, if he decides to do me one day, or probably Greg, who will let me know when i can go over to his place for some fun. haha.
My honey KJ is fine. he quitted his job and started a new one, after much persuasion he decided to go back to college again to do his degree. as he now works part time, he can now meet me on friday, freeing up my sunday for tramp or an extra day of work. am happy with that.
and fingers-crossed i hope to meet interesting people next time around. Get lucky already!
sometimes i wonder why these old ( mature man) in their 40s like Asian boys so much. i have a feeling that they were never Rice Queens when they are young ( KJ was, having known all his past BFs were all asian or PIers). when they hit forty suddenly they all convert to become Rice queens. searching for their perfect asian boy, one after another.
maybe it is true what i have read before in a blog ( bathhouse blues), that these over the prime GWM were looking for the next best thing after almost be dropped off the radar of young GWM, which of course is GAM. and those GAM who are potato queens will still go for them even when they are 15-30 years older than them ( sadly, i am in the categories too, but it wont be long). I sometimes wonder will things be different if i am in the scene, meeting more younger GWM i might get lucky with you of them. but then again, looking at my average look and also out of shape body, i better just forget about the idea altogether.
oh i was supposed to talk about the UniQ Auckland, the uni LBGT group that i joined in March but have not able to go for their meeting. could have gone to this week hadn;t i have to replace Jessica for the scripture study meeting cause she wants to meet her boyfriend who will stopped by en route to australia. always feel that it is between choosing God and being gay. cant i have both, promise to be a good boy (yeah right).
oh the FB thing well i decide to just lost contact with him and hopefully he will just stop calling me. i have not have a heart to tell him that he is a bit too feminine to me. and the teeth are like so big i thought i was french kissing a rabbit. Was a good fuck though. was a bit reluctant to let him fuck me but thank god he cant keep a hard on (pity for a 40 yrs old man ). so my cheerie is save again. wonder who will have it. KJ, if he decides to do me one day, or probably Greg, who will let me know when i can go over to his place for some fun. haha.
My honey KJ is fine. he quitted his job and started a new one, after much persuasion he decided to go back to college again to do his degree. as he now works part time, he can now meet me on friday, freeing up my sunday for tramp or an extra day of work. am happy with that.
and fingers-crossed i hope to meet interesting people next time around. Get lucky already!
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Le Mars Francais
Today’s Good Friday. I had a great time helping out at the Maundy Thursday mass yesterday. Holy week has always been great if you are a catholic. Great masses one after another and also great tune made you feel very sad as we journey with Christ in His passion. Nevertheless I also feel terrible when it comes to my faith, cause I am constantly reminded that I am gay as well and in a way I am leading a sinful life.
Some people that I know gave up religion so that they can be gay without carrying any guilt with them. Still I find myself too hard to let go of my faith, having just embraced it two years ago. In a away I always feel that I am carrying a burden, which I think will always remind me that God knows how I feel and that in him I can find solace and comfort as I continue to lead a double life.
Latest update with KJ? Went to Rotorua with him at the end of February. It was a great trip and I just enjoy being with him, eat together, sleep together and the lingering hugs. Time is never enough for both of us and the two days could be the longest time we ever spent with each other without being apart.
Uni started again at the beginning of March. As usual I am back in uni, attending lectures and working on my assignments. For this semester I am taking French, something which I have meaning to do for quite a while. As I enrolled in the 101 class, which is for the absolute beginner, I felt like I am cheating because I have had some rudimentary knowledge of the language. I did a six-month informal course during my pre-u years and maybe because of the interest, I never really forgot what I learnt. Plus I did some downloads of songs and films (French gay films rock!) I have some idea of how words are pronounced in French. Then I did some online course (the French Steps) which helped a lot. Sometimes in class I became the guy who knew it all. Quite bad I know but I can’t help it. I enrolled in the class anyway because I want to be taught French formally. My tutors were French women themselves (one of them looks like older version of Carla Bruni). Quite enjoy the classes and hopefully can do well.
oh i have just found a new Fuck buddy (nothing interesting, a 40 yrs old queen i should seriously stop seeing) and also i join the uni LBGT club, but i have not been to any of the meeting yet. but will post about the fuck buddy and the LBGT club soon.
Some people that I know gave up religion so that they can be gay without carrying any guilt with them. Still I find myself too hard to let go of my faith, having just embraced it two years ago. In a away I always feel that I am carrying a burden, which I think will always remind me that God knows how I feel and that in him I can find solace and comfort as I continue to lead a double life.
Latest update with KJ? Went to Rotorua with him at the end of February. It was a great trip and I just enjoy being with him, eat together, sleep together and the lingering hugs. Time is never enough for both of us and the two days could be the longest time we ever spent with each other without being apart.
Uni started again at the beginning of March. As usual I am back in uni, attending lectures and working on my assignments. For this semester I am taking French, something which I have meaning to do for quite a while. As I enrolled in the 101 class, which is for the absolute beginner, I felt like I am cheating because I have had some rudimentary knowledge of the language. I did a six-month informal course during my pre-u years and maybe because of the interest, I never really forgot what I learnt. Plus I did some downloads of songs and films (French gay films rock!) I have some idea of how words are pronounced in French. Then I did some online course (the French Steps) which helped a lot. Sometimes in class I became the guy who knew it all. Quite bad I know but I can’t help it. I enrolled in the class anyway because I want to be taught French formally. My tutors were French women themselves (one of them looks like older version of Carla Bruni). Quite enjoy the classes and hopefully can do well.
oh i have just found a new Fuck buddy (nothing interesting, a 40 yrs old queen i should seriously stop seeing) and also i join the uni LBGT club, but i have not been to any of the meeting yet. but will post about the fuck buddy and the LBGT club soon.
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