Do we have a future?

Yesterday was a bit hectic for me. so KJ decided to take the afternoon off to pick me up and go back to his place. i stayed there until eight, where he sent me off to onehunga for a church fundraising dance. as they play some heart-rendering love songs i was reminded of him.

it felt goo dot love someone,my heart flutters everytime i think of him. Even now as i am typing this. but it always comes with tears welling up in my eyes. I know that i will be going back to Malaysia in a year's time and this relationship, though wonderful and sweet as it is, is actually running on a ticking clock.

Honestly i really thank God for bringing KJ into my life. i was pretty alone when i am in auckland. i do not have a best pal or even a love partner. so having KJ is something sweet that i really cherish. but i know that after next year things will be complicated.

he thought that i am going back, teaching the four years bond and then i would come back to him. well if only things were that easy. i do dream of getting another scholarship to study in auckland again. but i know its another bond and i will never get back to auckland again. he would either be so rich as to sponsor my studies here. or he has to relocate to Malaysia. frankly, unless i get a miracle, i doubt if i could be in NZ together with KJ. If i could my my doctorate here in NZ and live here permanently, i will be forty by then and he will be sixty. what will happen to me when he is dead ? i will be left alone in NZ by myself, alone and with nobody else to live with.

apart from the fact that he is old and themoney issue, another problem lies in me myself. it's because evn though i like KJ, i cant really see him as a person i would want to spend the rest of my life with. in a way i think i dated down by dating him. if in Malaysia surely i can find a person who is around the same age as i am. i would love him for a year but i am reluctant to commit the rest of my life with him. circumstances show me clearly that a year is all that i have with me. i will not have anytime more with him. unless i try to change things, which i am very reluctant to do so. he will have to be the one who changes things.

i guess i will let nature takes its course, who am i to plan things. Let God decide whether KJ and I actaully have a future together.

I am lucky?

I went again to KJ's house,slept over, cooked again for him. and had a great time.

i now come to the stage that things may be too good to be true. I just seem so fortunate that i can get into a relationship when i went out dating for the first time. i have no idea whether KJ is the right person to be with. I mean there could be others who are more handsome, balder (okay but i like it) and younger than him? and i am not really sure whether he likes me because he likes me or because he has a fetish for Asians. if it's another cute asian boy he can easily get himself in love in another person.

but i think it's about taking the leap of faith. i will have to learn to trust that he loves me as much as i love him. despite all his shortcomings and his mediocrity of looks i need to learn to accept things as they are. at least he is sweet, brings me places, would not treat me as a toyboy, and is relatively quite romantic as well. he talks about the future for both of us, something which i am really reluctant to hear. not because he is not being realisitic, because i know deep down inside this relationship will need a miracle to sustain itself.

we went to howick historical village, having him snuggled me up at the dark corners of those old cottages made my heart melt. guess compare to most gay guy i am lucky to land a relationship for the first time. even though the sex part is lacking (we pretty much stick to suck and play), at least the intimacy and also the dinner, helding hands and also odd messages throughout the weekdays make me know that i have a gay love relationship. that even i want to complain about it, i know i already have much more than i can ask for. truly

I slept with...

I always find the line 'i slept with someone' means more than just having sex. maybe its a milder words to use then ' i fuck him/her' but to sleep with someone means more than just sex, as for me, i had a great experience last night sleeping beside my boyfriend.

i told him that i wanted to stay overnight at his place. i was eager to experience sleeping with my lover. i really want to feel how it is like to wake up and see your love one lying next to you. i guess i have heard too much of those cheesy live song but i believe it will be a great experience. as first he declined but later of the week he asked me to stay over (he happened to be free from his usual work). so there i was, happily packed my bags and waiting for him to pick me up.

i cooked dinner for him. He seemed happy when i cook something to him (which i think makes me feel like a housewife). we sat together watching TV before we adjourned to the bedroom. we made out before i knew it we were fast asleep. It felt great to hug him when we were asleep. Guess the bliss of loving someone and being loved can be overwhelming (my eyes are wet at this very moment). I know this relationship might not go far but i really cherish it for the experiences it brings. The feeling of love, intimacy, sense of belonging, the feeling of having someone to call your own. All these feelings i have missed out because i do not have a girlfriend (or boyfriend, now that i am gay) are now real and its part of me. He does make me feel complete. Oh I love you KJ. hope you are too.

If only those people knew what makes me look so different nowadays ( some of them realised it but do not hava a clue).

I have a Boyfriend

i went out with KJ today, we went over to his place at Howick. We had fun talking and playing ping pong. then we had something to drink and he told me he likes me and ask me to try a relationship with him. gosh i was so elated. i cant believe the feeling is mutual. he likes me too.

we sucked and played. its funny that he does not like anal sex. so we do not fuck (guess my cherry is safe once again). as i said earlier it was great having an intimate relationship with someone, especially when i get to kiss and hug him. it felt so good, Gosh i have really missed out all these years.

maybe he is old and that he may not be goodlooking (though his eyes remind me of matthew broderick) but at least he likes me. whether he would love me thats another thing but i am glad to find someone i can call my own. i have my own boyfriend too. and guess what he is a Kiwi. so cool. but i guess i will have to keep it a secret. all but one of my friends do not know the existence of KJ. will be discreet. i hope KJ would not mind.

thank God for him. really.