Of not having time and Rocket song

i am listening to 'Rocket' by our very own malaysian songstress Yuna. that song originally recommended by my brother. the song reminded him of his special relationship with a american girl which he almost become more than close friends... possibly missing her company as they sang this song together. my bro played the guitar and she sang the song... i quite like the song.... cause it reminds me of another thing else.

it seems to me that people that i dated and am dating now always have the problem of not being able to meet me. either they are too far away or just don;t have the time. my ex KJ lived far from me and we only weekend-dated throughout our relationship. my current boyfriend Adam lives in NZ so it;s impossible to date face to face. even so our msn chat and phone calls are very rare... now i try to date people here and i realised that they too have no time to see me... at first i looked set of dating this guy steve but he works six days a week and he works until 7.30pm. when he sees me he always looked tired.... so i could not be bothered to pursue the relationship.

now with nate it is still the same problem.... though we seem to like each other we do not get to meet each other often because he is always busy with his work and he works 9days and get 4 days off. in his days off he still get called to do additional work....so far i heard more sorry than see you there.....he feels guilty but i feel more angry and disappointed..... of course i will not throw my tantrum like i used to with KJ but i just keep it until when i decide enough is enough and i will move on to someone else.... can;t help myself sometimes...

while listening to Yuna's sensual voices singing about a rocket in her mind... i wonder when will i be able to find someone who can really see me often as i want to.... sigh.....

My very own bear!

well i admit that i have always had a penchant for bears..... their hairiness, big size and the facial hairs are the epitome of manliness and i just go crazy if i ever meet one.... i even wish that i will eventually have a bear as my partner too...

well a gay we'll call him Nate he messaged me on PR.... i was quite excited when i saw his profile that he is of the bear type. we arranged to meet and true enough he is a bear... he seems to like me a lot and i think he likes me more than i like him.... well partly it was because of Adam.

i want to start a relationship with Nate... seeing that he is a nice guy and i am finally able to date someone who is bearish enough for me. but Adam will come in June and i believe i should wait for me to come to malaysia first before i assess my feelings towards both men. i have waited for more than a year for Adam and i don't want to give up now.

i told Adam and he actually asked me to give Nate a try.... he knows he is far away and can't really be with me when i need him and vice versa... so here i am having a relationship with two men at the same time.... which is a very funny thing cause i have always been a one man's man. but i will do this until Adam comes and i will decide whom i like or love more....

My pay will come in May... another month of waiting sigh....

i went to Qbar last night.... they had a very elaborate Drag show and i think they are even better than Family D.Queens. They performed songs that i knew and some of them really look like women. one of the girl performed Madonna's 'Miles Away' and it is now stuck in my head... good beats asides... it reminds me of someone far away whom i loved for so long....

The Wait

it has been a while... yet again since my last post. strange enough there are people who visit this post. to you who follow the blog once in a while. thanks for reading.

well my new life in KK has been alright. i started teaching part time too to supplement my income, mostly to pay for my car installment. my official pay will be coming in in April hopefully. then i can finally start my first ever finance budgeting as a wage earning man... looking forward to it.

i had some fun in KK and there are all chinese. still have not got a chance to diversify my portfolio yet hehe. and seriously guys here have very small penis. am pretty disappointed. either the guys are really small or i have become a size queen. well there was this guy which i kinda like him a lot but he is a bit aloof and not interested. he;s bit old but i like his confidence and the 40s charm he has on him. but the worse thing is that i found out that he is quite well known in KK i think i become a joke by having slept with him. they think i have a bad taste for sleeping with him, i mean really?

am still looking forward to meeting some new friends here. i just joined a new gym and am really enjoying my independent life in KK. i can go wherever and do whatever i want. am happy that my colleague are nice folks and my superior is very caring. i suspect he is gay and i think i have seen his partner before. lucky him...

as for myself i am hoping for Adam to arrive in KL in June. we'll spend two weeks together and we will have a great time hanging out, chit chat and also make out for the lost time that we could not be together.

and i wait and i wait....

New Chapter of my Life

wow it was another two more months before i put in another entry for my blog. the absence was mostly filled with waiting. just got my work placement and am waiting yet again for the travel arrangement to be made. am heading over to Sabah.

my parents wanted me to stay in hometown but i am reluctant. one is because my house is not really comfortable to live permanently when i am at work. and secondly i do not want to bury my rainbow life because i am stuck in this small small town.

now am happy that God decided to send me to Kota Kinabalu, big town, not very islamic and also a place where nobody knows me. I can continue my Ghey life there. Adam has also confirmed of visiting me in KK as well. so looking forward to seeing him. have not seen him for a while already.

i got a few hits after i switch my location on PR to KK. hopefully can go and have a taste of meats there hehe. all the best to me.

all i can do for now

it's december. i am back in my hometown and it was raining all day. i love monsoon season. the last month of every year seems to be a recollection of a sort for me. where i reflect on the year. feeling possibly melancholic and also sighing. the weather pretty much reflect the feeling that i have.

this year is a transition year for me. it has been a year since i left NZ. never really quite forgotten the things that happened to me when i was there. things i have done, people i have met and also the fact that i have found myself and never be the same person again. it pains me to go back into the closet again and ponder the slim chances of whether or not i will be able to live permanently outside of Malaysia ever again.

But throughout this year i managed to have fun a few times and i am contented though i will not complain if i get extra. malaysians guy are of course more discreet and are somewhat more caring than the Kiwis. maybe the fact that we are all in the same boat means that we should somehow out of common sense should take care and look out for each other.

this year also sees me venturing into something which i have personally have no belief in-long distance relationship. i sent Adam a card the other day and he was pretty happy to receive it. though am not too sure whether he has sent me one but i think it does not matter. at least i have done my part. he is coming down to malaysia next year and i suppose the next time we meet will be high time where i discover my true feeling towards him and also how do we go from there. he has plans of settling down permanently here in Malaysia and i wished him all the success in doing that.

as for myself i begin my career next year. it will be a difficult time as all my seniors have shed lights but i intend to persevere and i really hope that life will not be too difficult for me.

have faith and pray for providence. that's all i can do for now.

November stories

Well I was shocked that I have had no entry for my blog for about 5 months now. Well that pretty much was the length of time that I was in dry spell. Well I was busy and I didn’t have time to entertain interested parties let alone looking for one. Well I was pretty free this time around as I wait for my work appointment next year jan. So I had fun with a Chinese guy in downtown KL.

At first looking for his place was really difficult. While partly because I was going to catch a movie that afternoon ( New Moon was quite boring, but Jacob and his pack boys surely make me horny hehe). So when I was about o head over to his place it was evening already. I was going to give up actually as I was not happy of going back from downtown KL all by myself. However, he offered to send me back so that was a deal sealed. I travelled there by LRT and went into his apartment after a merry go round looking for the Lift that goes to his place.

The view from his apartment is fanstastic. Dramatic view of KLCC skyline with KL tower totally in view. It’s his uncle’s place but being away means he has the place for himself. We’ll call him Alan k. So we went straight into business. He was pretty nice guy. Size department a little bit disappointing but not an issue. He kissed pretty well though sometimes his kiss is bit sloppy. Averaged bodied like me. But he is nice to hold. Well I was on dry spell so I could seriously jumped on any average Joe really. The sex went on for a while. He was quite long lasting and we came together. Then he sent me back.

As an afterthought it was fun. But then I do feel guilty as I cheated behind Adam’s back. We have been chatting pretty often really and our relationship has been going on well. He’ll come visit me in March and will try to relocate here. I was happy of course, he’s a nice person plus he is a white guy from NZ. Among my gay fren having an English-speaking Caucasian boyfriend is a cool thing. Something which I have. Well I also see him as a way of permanently living in NZ when I get older. but most of all I am just happy to have someone to call my own. After a very disappointing relationship with KJ (well partly it was my fault), am just happy to have another nice boyfren who is younger and earns bit more, even when he is so far away and his true character is still not to be seen.

Next week I will celebrate the first year of my return from Auckland. I can still remember the feeling that I had when I was at the airport waiting for departure. Breaking up with KJ means I did not leave anything behind like some of my friends did. But then it was sad to be going back to Malaysia. I have to go back into the closet though I am not actually deep in one either.

Nevertheless I am happy to retain many parts of Kiwi in me. Like many I now enjoy beer and wine, listening to Jazz music and also develop a liking for anything Kiwi or Australian, from accents, to people and places and also culture. Too bad that I can’t do sport. But then gay kiwis don’t really do sport either.

Next year will promise even longer dry spell, at least until march. But I reckon that I will be busy then so will not notice time flies. My workplace next year will determine how I will live and plan my life. I got to be careful in planning. I will do well I hope. In God’s providence I trust.

The Tasik Trip

i am now taking a sweet one week break from school, heading back to college for briefing and also some reflection time. been really great. I also went out with my fellow sisters and have some fun too.

The Friday evening we headed out to The Curve, hoping to catch some movie. But the movie selection sucks so we went out and stumbled upon a bar called Scarlett. We had a beer and enjoy the good music mixed by a female DJ. But then we decided to head downtown to Frangipani to have more drinks and more fun. Nevertheless by the time we got there it was about 2am and we thought it was not worth it to go in and pay rm30 cover charge and come out an hour later. So we went mamak instead and later head down to the Taman Tasik Permaisuri.

I have long known taman tasik permaisuri or I shall call it Queenslake Garden (QG) as a well known cruising spot for KL gay boys. The place looks dodgy and really quiet when we got there around 3am. Well I supposed the major crowd may have left with their friends or that the Friday night was a relatively quiet one. But I do see some muscular men standing around with some twinks wandering around the bushes looking for some fun. I was with a friend and we did not do anything. We just took a stroll down the lake. Well not just the gays are there but also some anglers trying their luck with some fish late at night. After the stroll we went back to the carpark and hang there until 5am. Pretty crazy I know.

It was funny that this place will be the closest thing I ever get to K’Rd in Auckland. There we have the gay boys, trannies and also the gay couple being out and about under the shades of dimmed light and in the guise of the moon. I saw two boys walking holding hands. I felt a bit happy inside. Well Malaysia is not entirely like some middle eastern countries. There are places we can still be ourselves and enjoy each other company. They were many transgenders or “Mak Nyah’ around the park. Probably early morning is the only time that they can ever come out without getting the stared eyes.

With the new found techno –clubby song ‘when love takes over’ by Kelly Rowland and David Guetta playing in my head, I feel that my gay life will really come to an abrupt end when I finished college end of this year, then the period of exodus began as I will be frequenting KL once a while for fun while remain mostly remote for work. In a way I do dread that time coming but I suppose I do not really have a choice. Also with the Adam question hanging I do hope for a guiding light that can tell me what I should really do with my life.

But myself aside, I am happy and pray for all LGBT people in Malaysia to find a light that recognise their presence once day. We are many and we are slowly getting the acceptance from the society which may be a very long and painful process but I am optimistic we will eventually get there.