Retrospective- UniQ experience

Marty, the new guy from UniQ, has been kind to organize a farewell drink for me who is leaving Auckland. So he put up an invitation in Facebook and those who know me pretty well through UniQ came. We had our drink as our usual spot, Naval and Family. They got me a cake and a card as well. We had a great time catching up and sharing stories. It was just like another Coffee night. Marty, Seb, Daniel and I went to Urge for a while before we went separate ways.

As I walked back with the leftover of the chocolate cake and the farewell cake, my heart felt heavy, the experience I had this year flashed through my eyes.

I still remember when I went to my first UniQ meeting. I signed up early this year but I never worked out the courage to go there until May. I went all the way to the meeting spot twice but never went in. When I decided to just went in there, I was greeted with some warm faces and some nonchalant ones. The president, Clint was welcoming and I started the journey trying to fit into the group.

It was hard at first, I had no idea what they were talking about half the time. But as time past and I attended more meetings, I got to know them better. I sometimes joined them at the Level 0 at Student commons, where they usually hang out and do their assignments. We become good friends. It was great being with people who are just like you. I feel that being gay is not weird, it’s just normal, it happens to you and me as well. I’m not a freak, but just a bit different.

We shared so many things in common. Some of them speak some French, Seb shares my penchant for bears, Nemo and Sam gave me a taste of how lesbians are just like normal girls. But the best thing I done was to be like a mentor to Marty, who was new to UniQ and start attending the meeting after me. He was quite alone at the beginning and I knew how he felt. So I tried chatted with him and even showed him around the gay scenes in K’rd. It was not long before he became part of the group and I feel my work was done. But then I realize it’s time for me to leave.

Holding the cake and the card, I walked my way along Grafton Bridge. Looking at the long road and also the dimmed street lights, I feel that my journey has already begun as a gay man. I am still young but I know the road ahead will not be a straight and easy one. But I hold the good wishes of those who know me, those who are in the same journey as I am. I feel that I will prevail one day. It may be tough but I’ll be tougher.

I’ll miss the weekend clubbing at family or checking out hot bears walking down the street. But hey I have heaps more waiting for me, who knows good things will happen to me in the end.
To Seb, Marty, Daniel, Clint, Oliver, Nemo, and Sam and Brittany who were not there, I know you guys wont be reading this but it has been good knowing all of you. Hope you guys have wonderful years ahead. Cheers and be fabulous. Hahaha.

Last weeks in NZ

If bad timing has always been the theme of my gay life, then the guy that I met a few weeks ago could really testify to that, once again. As usual was just surfing the net when a guy hollered me from NZ dating. He’s 33 and looks pretty cute, though I did suspect that he is a fem queen before I met him face to face. Name’s Aiden and he’s quite nice. We had some fun twice and I am hoping of seeing him again. He lives just across the street from where I am and he lives on the top floor, where from his apartment one can get a beautiful Auckland city view and the night view was just amazing from his house. But he’s a bit busy and it’s difficult to see him sometime so am not putting too much hope on him. Plus I can’t offer him anything anyway.

But again the hour glass is not stopping and the time I still have in Auckland is vanishing before my eyes. I find it hard to accept that I am leaving soon and did not get a chance to have another bf after Kem, of which I felt angry and disappointed at myself for wasting time with him when I could have had somebody else.

Well I am counting down the days now seriously. Eric’s comment on my blog does make me feel better. I need not have to worry so much really, probably just my profession which might make things a bit difficult to me ( a gay Malaysian Teacher? ). But I’ll survive, plus I now know a few sisters along the way so I am not alone.

My second last week in New Zealand was great. Once again My friends and I embarked on another hiking trip, this time we’ll be doing the famous Routeburn Track together with the adjoining Greenstone track to make like a loop. The view was amazing from the top really. Snow-capped mountains with green hills and valleys. But I lost one side of my spectacles lens into the river. So I will be a one-eyed monster till I fly back.

For the first time I’ll load some photos. Well I hope the photos won’t turn out too bad. and i am showing my face for the first time. well am not good looking but i don't think i am repulsive either haha.


View from Key Summit. View of Mt. Cristina.

Lake Mackenzie, second day, i tried bathing in the

lake but the water is really cold.

Conical Hill, view of Darran Mountains, feels like

being on the top of the world.

Me debut on my own blog haha. at Harris Saddle near

Lake Harris

Me looking out to Routeburn Valley.

Me At Glenorchy, near the starting of the track.

i am not still considering whether should continue with the blog. of course the gay encounter part will be less but i hope there will be some ( actions in Malaysia, can;t wait to check out). well in a way i am quite excited to be back as well, being educated to all things gay in NZ, am quite curious of the scenes in KL. oh well i'll find out when i get back.

If you're reading this, Happy birthday Eric ( RPMnut). might catch ou sometimes when i am back in KL. cheers to all readers who read my blog. it's great knowing somebody who read what you write.

leaving NZ

it's the labour weekend and it is already the first week of study break. I still have an assignment to hand in on tuesday. but i spent a productive day at the library yesterday and managed to get most of the work done. so am chilling out before getting back to work this evening.

this week is a mixed feeling one. On Friday, i brought some of my friends to check out thier first gay bar, well its Family of course. songs were alright and there was a cute small baldie checking me out but i dun wanna be too flashy of my alternative lifestyle so have to give it a miss. hate it when i care more about how people felt rather than what i want.

then My friend Ivan and I went out to Family the second time. some dancing. saw James but decided i dun have to go begging for his attention. so the night ended pretty early.

came sunday night and after finished most of my assignment, i went out again to Family, there is some show going on but i have no idea when it starts. and i was by myself, Ivan and Alli blew me off, both assignment fatigue. thinking of calling it an early night i went back. was just surfing the net before i hit the bed when i was hailed by a guy from NZ dating. before i knew it i was at his place at Newton and got some. then i came back at the early morning, caught some sleep and write this post.

guy's name is Josh, pretty soft type to me but boy aint he gentle in bed. pretty agressive yet gentle with me. i had great time. it was great that he was good. was on dry spell for a while. a good sex always cheers things out.

I am feeling the cringe in the stomach as december 2nd approaches. that day is the day i am flying back to Malaysia, leaving NZ behind. i thank God for the opportunity to come here and enjoy myself, being gay and free. it's a very liberating experience really. my close friends know that i'm a rainbow sister.

but after two years of bliss the dreadful journey of going back to my closet is just painful to think about. i'll have to be careful of what i said and it's just not me that is living in kl. i don't really mind laying low and be good but i surely won't be doing that for too long.

i have great plans but i hope it will be a reality. really pray for it. and of course still dreaming of a cute beary intelligent boyfriend haha. in the meantime, it's great to know a fellow friend who's in the same situation with me (Ivan), so we are going back to the wardrobe together. hopefully we can escape before it's too late.

really hope that this is not the last time i'll ever see nz. like some other people who made predictions in my life, i'll be back again. this time for good.

about getting laid and feeling depressed

I came back from Muddy Farmer. My brother said I look tired and ought to get some sleep. I feel like I want to cry really. Will tell the entire story.

It was Saturday night and I just finished working at Eden Park for a rugby game. Shame on the Auckland team for losing so badly to the Welli folks. Marty asked me if I am free to take him to Family, me being a nice guy and quite enjoy the prospect of being somebody’s senior really agreed to.

We went to Family, people are getting more as we entered the place. I found myself looking at this older guy who seemed to capture my eyes despite his forty-looking looks. He seemed to look back at me with the same eyes as well, but I did not pursue it further as I have Marty with me. Then we left Family to check out other places. We first head across the road to Fluffy, to our horror of not seeing anybody there at all, pretty shocking. The dancefloor was empty. We then took off to Urge, the Auckland bear bar. and the moment I entered the place I have to take down my spectacles as the surrounding was really warm. It was full house at the small and cramped Urge so the temperature was pretty warm in there. Then we walk back along K’rd to NV, and find some interesting atmosphere there. Finally we head back to family for some dancing and also to watch the Drag show.

The drag show was alright. The first song about taking a dump was not really that funny and it’s disgusting. The next song was ‘chain reaction’ so it was good. There was another song but I can’t remember. Then we danced for a while before I sent Marty back. I decided to head into Family again trying my luck on the guy I was looking just now. I went in gave him a look but there’s no response from him. I went to dance and found myself having some fun with a guy whom I believe to be Andre. He kinda blew me off a couple of times and I have given up contacting him. He seemed drunk or high cause I was feeling him up without him giving back any responses at all. He did not even look at me. Well he then drifted off somewhere and I was about to follow him and make sure he is alright. But then the guy whom I was eying decided to approach me and chat me up. So forget about Andre.

His name is James and to my surprise he is from Wales, as I was just studying a bout Welsh English three weeks ago. He bought me a drink and we had a chat. Then we went into the dance floor and had a dance. Was quite fun feeling him up and kissing him.

Then I decided to call it a night and he walked me home. I brought him up to my apartment for a cup of coffee. We had a chat but we didn’t make up. But we planned to see each other for lunch tomorrow.

So come tomorrow and we had lunch at Nando’s. then it’s off to his place for some action. It was alright. I have not been getting nailed for a while so the experience was not too comfortable but at least I came. He came like half an hour later after I came. He looked alright though the body was a bit off. He is also incredibly smooth for a white guy too. Oh btw he’s 42 years old (I know).
We parted ways when I walked back to catch some nap and him to Foodtown for grocery shopping. I was feeling pretty sad throughout the day, even when I went to church and also meet up with some French travellers who are hanging out with my brother.

I think the stress and loneliness is slowly eating me away. I am not happy and I am in perennial state of worry and also stressed out. I am a bit lonely and also disappointed by all the guys who never seemed to contact me for anything after them showing interest at the beginning. Even with James too I feel bad cause I know this would not lead to nowhere. He’s too old and I am just really sick of chasing guys after guys. I refused to talk to my mom because I don’t want to blurt out the whole not having enough money issue. So I am help to myself. Probably I should pray but God doesn’t really help me much these days. Gosh I am feeling miserable.

I hate feeling depressed.

Enchante Andre!

It has been a while since my last post. I feel that I should only post something when I have something to write. So here it is.

Last week is the first anniversary of my first gay sexual encounter. I went to the pool. Without getting disappointed, I saw Greg. But we didn’t do anything because his partner is around. As for his case I have long given up on him. I was there primarily to have a good swim and getting prepared for the Taranaki hike this week. So after shower I just went back and feeling sad? Yes.
So the next day I woke up early and went to a tramp at the Piha valley with the Club. It was great hike and I had great time seeing valleys and streams. My Gym workout has been really helpful. I have no idea whether it was an easy hike or my stamina has improved but I did not feel really tired doing the hike.

As the hike finished early, I managed to get back to city, attend mass and back to apartment by 6.30pm. The thought lingering in my head as I was considering should I attend the ‘Underware’ party at the bear bar Urge that night. The tickets are supposed to be sold out but my UniQ friend Seb managed to get me a free ticket. Putting my inhibition of wearing just underwear in a public place aside, I walked into the bar after removing and give up my clothes for safekeeping.
The lights are dimmed, techno music playing loudly in the small bar as men, mostly bears, walking around in briefs and boxers, dance, drink and have a chat. Of course the excitement of the night was to see people making out in the dance floor. Some were sucking each other, some kissing passionately. Some were rubbing their crotch and bum excitedly towards each other. That was one unique experience that I will never forget my entire life.

Coming to the place there were only 3 Asian boys I think, yet I still managed to end up being invisible once again, although I did get picked up by this guy. He looks a bit old but his body is hot. Nice cock too. Name’s Aldo and we had fun making out in dance floor. So in a way I was not left out amidst the fun that everybody seems to be having. But then he had to leave early and it doesn’t seem that I am going back to his place that night so I just gave him my number. Prospect? Not counting on it.

I stayed on for another hour before I decided that rather than just sitting there nursing my frustration and tiredness I should just call it a night. Seb who was there as well were busy getting it on with another two more guys somewhere in the corner. Good on him. So I get dressed and walked back.

On my way back I was checked out by a guy driving a Merc convertible. I decided to ignore him and walk further down K’rd. Then he decided to drove his car up and park near me again. I got curious, stopped and tried to look at him but I can only look at half his face. He opened up his car door. Not really given it a thought I just jumped into the car, praying to God for protection against psycho-killers.

I can’t look at his face clearly but he is on the mature side as well. Name’s Andre and he is half French. Despite him knowing only a bit of French I was talking to him in French, much to his annoyance. He sent me home but he overshot and he decided to stop at a dark corner and we made out.

We sucked each other and then we fucked each other briefly as well. Apparently he liked to be fucked by small cock ( weird?) and hope that we can get it on there in the car. Well I am not keen on the idea. We played for a while before he dropped me off and promised to see me the next day.

Well of course he can’t make it the next day. Just my luck I reckon. I did tell him we can see each other on weekend. So we’ll see how it goes after my Taranaki trip. I do hope for something but I just don’t seem to have the luck with guys.

Well it is still a good outing, I got half lucky. Thank god but I do hope for more.

Surprise, surprises, surprised

Saturday night. With one of my fag hag Ali, who has just got a new job, and me who have just quitted my job as a car groomer, we embark on a K'Rd adventure yet again. what was supposed to be a normal night out becomes an emotional event.

it all started quite well, DJ Starli at Family were playing hot tunes and people were dancing gaily, me too we having a good time grooving with Ali after our friends left early to call it a night. as i was dancing my eyes were glancing around, ogling and checking out hot boys. not that i can have them, but that i can at least have some fun imagining things. suddenly a guy catched my eyes. the horror is that i knew that guy and he is not supposed to be seen in a gay bar. He was actually my coursemate from malaysia. holy space, it was * Ivan ( pseudoname is used to enclosed identity).

i waved and he came over, he was pretty surprised enough to see me they as well. Rather than thinking crap now somebody else know that i'm gay, i am quite comfortable in my own skin to have a chat with him. but the music was too loud and we just decided to chat later. he went off somewhere and i was left to dance with Ali.

the next two minntes another famliar face came to mine. this time i was not too shocked as the guy was Dave. we had a quick chat and a few gropes here and there. he then left to prey for some hot asian boys while i danced again to my tunes.

as i am dancing again another face came to me. he looks familiar too and my mind was hit that i met that guy, *Rodney from church! then he saw me and quickly say hi. it was just funny we both gave each other ' you're gay too huh? but's that's alright' look to each other. after we met Ali went for a fag break and i continue to have a chat with Rodney. when i left Family i saw another guy who is the communion ministers at St. Pats, looks like there are heaps of closet Catholics out there.

as i walked back i was reminded of all these faces and i just sighed at everybody's circumstances. Ivan did not stricke me as a gay guy at all until i saw him. i grieved for both of us as we will embark of the closet gay road as soon as we go back to malaysia. it might be easy for me to be gay back home ut for Ivan, being a muslim can be quite difficult. i pray that one day all of us can move abroad and pursue our own happiness without the fear of persecution.

For Rodney i am relieved that finally i found a gay catholic guy as a friend. Only he knows what i feel inside, the whole embracing your gay side and also the catholic guilt that comes with it. bwe promised to catch up and i hope we can share each other thoughts and feelings too.

for Dave, he is a player and i am glad i was aware of it from the beginning. he ought to settle down before he hits the 40 yrs old mark and never be alble to score asian boys as easy as he used to.

three strikes. three strokes, three cheers

Another First time?

Today it drizzled in the morning. I walked back from Queen St back home. Although Auckland still looks the same to me, I realize that I am walking back home yet as a different person.
Last night I got a surprise call from, lets call him Dave. He phoned me asking whether we want to hook up. I tried a couple of time to ask him out but he keeps saying that he’s busy. I thought he might not be interested, so I decided to give up when the date comes along.

He place is just a short walk from mine. I arrived at the lobby of the apartment block where he is staying in. he then came down. First impression? He does not look too bad, just that he looks like the bear type of Darren Hayes. He may not be as handsome as KJ, but he looks masculine, dresses quite well and surely I am expecting full action tonight.

We spend a good two hours at the sauna of his apartment building. We talked, kissed and blew each other. Then we went up to his apartment. His apartment is really small and he and his roommate really struggled for storage space. We then had fun in his bedroom.

It was my first time bottoming and I frankly was a bit afraid of what might happen. He helped loosen me up and i was ready and prepared to lose my virginity. When he first went in the pain was just plain excruciating. I could barely say anything. As he tried to make me feel comfortable I was starting to enjoy it, albeit still struggling with the pain and the thought that I might ease myself down there. Then he came and I managed to come as well. We then had a chat before we fall asleep.

In the morning we had a chat and I was getting it again. This time it was still painful and my moaning was like 30% pleasure and 70% pain but thank goodness he doesn’t last long. He came again. We have a cup of tea before I left and he got ready for work.

It was funny that we reacted to each other as if we are already boyfriends. We hugged, cuddled and talked to each other. Even I feel that we have together for years though we barely know each other. We’ll see how it goes. Not really sure how but I will try to make it work. need a replacement haha