Surprise, surprises, surprised

Saturday night. With one of my fag hag Ali, who has just got a new job, and me who have just quitted my job as a car groomer, we embark on a K'Rd adventure yet again. what was supposed to be a normal night out becomes an emotional event.

it all started quite well, DJ Starli at Family were playing hot tunes and people were dancing gaily, me too we having a good time grooving with Ali after our friends left early to call it a night. as i was dancing my eyes were glancing around, ogling and checking out hot boys. not that i can have them, but that i can at least have some fun imagining things. suddenly a guy catched my eyes. the horror is that i knew that guy and he is not supposed to be seen in a gay bar. He was actually my coursemate from malaysia. holy space, it was * Ivan ( pseudoname is used to enclosed identity).

i waved and he came over, he was pretty surprised enough to see me they as well. Rather than thinking crap now somebody else know that i'm gay, i am quite comfortable in my own skin to have a chat with him. but the music was too loud and we just decided to chat later. he went off somewhere and i was left to dance with Ali.

the next two minntes another famliar face came to mine. this time i was not too shocked as the guy was Dave. we had a quick chat and a few gropes here and there. he then left to prey for some hot asian boys while i danced again to my tunes.

as i am dancing again another face came to me. he looks familiar too and my mind was hit that i met that guy, *Rodney from church! then he saw me and quickly say hi. it was just funny we both gave each other ' you're gay too huh? but's that's alright' look to each other. after we met Ali went for a fag break and i continue to have a chat with Rodney. when i left Family i saw another guy who is the communion ministers at St. Pats, looks like there are heaps of closet Catholics out there.

as i walked back i was reminded of all these faces and i just sighed at everybody's circumstances. Ivan did not stricke me as a gay guy at all until i saw him. i grieved for both of us as we will embark of the closet gay road as soon as we go back to malaysia. it might be easy for me to be gay back home ut for Ivan, being a muslim can be quite difficult. i pray that one day all of us can move abroad and pursue our own happiness without the fear of persecution.

For Rodney i am relieved that finally i found a gay catholic guy as a friend. Only he knows what i feel inside, the whole embracing your gay side and also the catholic guilt that comes with it. bwe promised to catch up and i hope we can share each other thoughts and feelings too.

for Dave, he is a player and i am glad i was aware of it from the beginning. he ought to settle down before he hits the 40 yrs old mark and never be alble to score asian boys as easy as he used to.

three strikes. three strokes, three cheers

Another First time?

Today it drizzled in the morning. I walked back from Queen St back home. Although Auckland still looks the same to me, I realize that I am walking back home yet as a different person.
Last night I got a surprise call from, lets call him Dave. He phoned me asking whether we want to hook up. I tried a couple of time to ask him out but he keeps saying that he’s busy. I thought he might not be interested, so I decided to give up when the date comes along.

He place is just a short walk from mine. I arrived at the lobby of the apartment block where he is staying in. he then came down. First impression? He does not look too bad, just that he looks like the bear type of Darren Hayes. He may not be as handsome as KJ, but he looks masculine, dresses quite well and surely I am expecting full action tonight.

We spend a good two hours at the sauna of his apartment building. We talked, kissed and blew each other. Then we went up to his apartment. His apartment is really small and he and his roommate really struggled for storage space. We then had fun in his bedroom.

It was my first time bottoming and I frankly was a bit afraid of what might happen. He helped loosen me up and i was ready and prepared to lose my virginity. When he first went in the pain was just plain excruciating. I could barely say anything. As he tried to make me feel comfortable I was starting to enjoy it, albeit still struggling with the pain and the thought that I might ease myself down there. Then he came and I managed to come as well. We then had a chat before we fall asleep.

In the morning we had a chat and I was getting it again. This time it was still painful and my moaning was like 30% pleasure and 70% pain but thank goodness he doesn’t last long. He came again. We have a cup of tea before I left and he got ready for work.

It was funny that we reacted to each other as if we are already boyfriends. We hugged, cuddled and talked to each other. Even I feel that we have together for years though we barely know each other. We’ll see how it goes. Not really sure how but I will try to make it work. need a replacement haha

am single again!

It’s now over between me and KJ, we went out for lunch and I decided to gently break the news to him. He took it quite well and I am quite relieved with that. We then walked separate ways as he went to take his car. ‘Take care’ was the parting words.

When I am back at home I just cried. I have never experienced break-up before and frankly it is pretty overwhelming. Especially when I was the one who asked for a break up, why I am sad was a bit puzzling. But being myself it wasn’t too hard to figure out why am I feeling this way.

Supposed it is the feeling of loneliness that I am worried about. I have never had close friends even since I left high school so I have always felt the feeling of loneliness. Then KJ came into my life and I suppose I value him more as a close friend rather than a boyfriend. We have been together for 9 months and it is pretty hard to lose a close friend. And having been in a relationship for so long it is very hard to get use to singlehood again. But then I know I will be single again when I get back to Malaysia so why not now. At least I will not have to deal with it together with dealing with possibility of leaving New Zealand for good.

Well now that I have come to a full circle I know how life revolves, supposed getting into and out of a relationship is a very meaningful experience and in many ways I have just grown up.

updates for June

Week 2 of the study week and I am almost mad. My friends have left for Australia and will spend three weeks there. Must be wicked fun. I’ll be going to Sydney on the last week of my holiday. Attending WYD 08. Will be quite meaningful. Can’t wait for them.
Currently am coughing like crazy, have no idea why I suddenly start coughing. It has been ages since I cough. I still remember when I was ten that I cough like that. Man I thought I was going to die that year. But I survived till now and I supposed I will again this time.
Nowadays too I am listening to country. ‘Brokeback Mountain’ I supposed triggered my interest in the songs. I tend to enjoy the rhythm and then drift off into another realm of thought. My brother happened to be listening to country as well so I borrowed a CD. Man the tunes were great. Enjoy every song of it.
Am thinking of cheating behind KJ too. Hoping to see this guy for sex hopefully. Well I can always have a bf and a fb right? No harm haha. Will do the follow up post on this.

UniQ experience and A guilt feeling

I was about to post this in last week but I was so snowed under with all the assignments (stupid EDUC papers). Oh well.

So last Thursday I decided to attend UniQ meeting for the first time. It is a club for tertiary queer students studying in Auckland. I tried to attend the meeting twice before but I always chicken out. Guess it is really hard for me to go and meet new people all by myself. I was incredibly shy and introvert by nature but I seriously need some gay company, people you can relate to. So I went.

The president is a chubby guy call Clint. Nice guy and he tried his best to make me feel comfortable, though I felt that the crowd who were there were really stuck up and I was rendered invisible by them. Some of these guys who are suppose to be my ‘sisters’ kinda ignore me and pretend that I was not even there. I have no idea whether because is the ‘you are GAM hence you are invisible’ theory or just that they do not really warm up to newbies quite easily. Maybe I should have joined the club earlier. Who knows things can be different then. But some of them are nice and we had some good chat. Of course the flamboyant ones are really funny. With their gestures and tone of voice I thought I was in one of those gay movies that I watch online. I am attending the coffee night again. Its at alleluya café , st kevins arcade, K’Rd.

Oh today my roommate, an evangelical Christian, found out about me being gay. Damn I should have ended my conversation with Kem before I let Anthony* saw me. Today in class he suddenly dropped y name after a stupid sentence which ends with ‘gay or straight’. I decided to confront him. He of course being the I-think-i-can-argue-my-way -of-out-this guy argues and as usual, I backed down. He said that he would not judge but he said that I should not go into the road which I can never turn back. That line was hard enough for me to be upset the whole evening. If not because of the salsa class at 6pm and the fact that I have an assignment to pass out, I could never pick myself up to brave through the day.

For the past 6 months I became comfortable being gay in NZ. I was at ease with myself and I have a stable boyfriend, yet the archenemy of mine came back to haunt this happy homo with what Anthony has said- the Catholic Guilt. It pains me knowing that I can never be a full Christian like how I wanted to be when I become a Christian. With the whole what would happened to my life and the fact that I will end up in Malaysia for the rest of my life freak me out further. I really wished I can stay here forever. I wished I have done another course that would lift my chance of settling down here. Oh how I wish things were different for me. But I need to be strong and I will pray for the light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing will stop me.

tales of thursday and Friday

After a long day today and yesterday, I guess it is just right to pen this down.

Friday I spent the morning cleanin up the apartment with my mates. Then I had a long day with KJ. We took a stroll along Ponsonby Road, looking for the Dorothy’s Sisters, the restaurant. Then we went back for KFC and some cuddling before he went back around 9.30pm.

Thursday was supposed to be interesting. Well despite not being able to have some fun with Greg after the pool swim (his brother decided to crash at his place at last minute so he did not have a place for our fun, his partner was away at Sydney). We had a dinner at Wagamama though. It is cool that I get to know a bit more about him, but it just made me feel worse after he sent me home. I realized that he is the guy I wanted to be with. The fact that he is not available pains me so bad that I almost burst into tears. Now I know how it feels like to love someone and not being loved back. It could be my selfish wanting but it sucks really when you want something you can’t have. As I came back around 8, I spent almost one and a half hour nursing the pain before I decided that enough is enough. I smarten myself up, changed into my party clothes and walked my way to K’Rd for my debut in a gay club.

I went to Family, and the Wigarama was being held there. Drag Queens from around North Island were there to perform and raise funds for the New Zealand AIDS Foundation. Walking to the place I felt a strange feeling of peace. It is great to go into places where everybody around you is just like you. It is the sense of belonging, to gays haha. The boys are beautiful but of course being an Asian boy you are invisible. Maybe the going-ons last night was not conducive for cruising. But maybe I am not hot enough.

The shows was great, the Girls performed very well, cool dance moves and also cool tunes. The boys got high whenever a gay anthem was performed (like I Will Survive, obviously). I myself enjoyed the Madonna medley and a girl impersonating Christina Aguilera for Candyman. The music in between shows were good too. They had Feedback, Gimme More and Piece of Me. Only songs in gay bars will suit a gay man’s ears. They closed at twelve but I was too tired to continue dancing at Supermarket downstairs. The songs are not nice and I had a long swim before coming. After three glasses of beer all I want is a bed.

I think the drag queens are so cool. They dressed very well and are able to flaunt their femininity. I sometimes wished I could be like them too. But if I want to sing I will sing ‘Wow’ by Kylie and ‘Snow on the Sahara’ by Anggun haha.

Being alone in gay bar sucks. I saw a few couples in Family, hugging, kissing and dancing together. How I hope KJ was with me, or probably Greg deep down in my heart. But I realize I still have a long life ahead of me. With God’s grace I might be able to come back to NZ again. Greg said that it was possible. No idea. Will pray hard for it. But then I wonder will I ever find someone like Greg to love. Gay life is full of pain. To all the sisters out there I know how you feel. Pray that we’ll find someone to love and someone to love us.

Cheers mate.

Express yourself

Well this week was supposed to be a holiday for me but I am stuck in school, doing my block visit in Mt Albert Grammar. Things are fine in the school. And I have a suspect in school which I think he could be gay haha. He dresses immaculately, his eyebrows looked trimmed and he seemed to realize that I was checking him out too.
Last Sunday I was watching C4 and I was surprised that the ‘U choose 40’ segment they did a Madonna vs Michael Jackson music videos. I stick to the show from 8.30 till 11.30, dreading every MJ videos ( and wondering how did he bleached himself from black to white) and enjoy all the Madonna’s. Seriously I don’t know whether I like Madonna because she is fabulous or because all gays like him, so I jumped in the bandwagon as well. Her latest hit was a let down though. She joined into the whole R&B hip-hop thing and I wonder will I ever hear any electronic pop out of her again. I mean she reigned the whole 80’s and 90’s pop scene with her songs. She does not get the ‘Queen of Pop’ title for nothing.
Well I feel her 80’s songs are just great. In fact I am listening to some of them right now and they made it into my current favourites folder in my mp3 player. Songs like ‘material girl’, ‘papa don’t preach’ and ‘vogue’ just make me feel like dancing and imagine how it is like to live in the 80’s. From the C4 show I discovered ‘express yourself’, which I quite like it as well, sounds like ‘vogue’ but less draggy.
I guess what makes gay men like him so much is her ‘don’t care all attitude’, her showing of femininity, sexual appeal and also back to the word ‘vogueness’. Her songs has fast beats, disco-ish and in a way exudes the divaness in everybody. Although I consider her to be as good as kylie, Madonna was the icon of 80’s and it will not be too much to say that she is the backbone of the 80’s music. The 80’s is the age of slow rock and also Madonna’s pop songs.
Well I hope she will continue to make good stuff. Her electronica pop numbers are good as well ( love dancing to ‘Music’). As I never heard her entire album yet, I hope she has some dance numbers for her eager gay fans.
Which leads me to the point that I need to go check out the gay clubs.