latter days

watched the film. i accidentally fond out about the show when i was looking for some old shows. was really good. have not felt such a surge of feeling since 'brokeback mountain'.

the show almost feel like the gay version of romeo and juliet. two 'star-crossed lovers' who fight against all odds to stay together. it was so sad when aaron died after he committed suicide. at least the twist of the story makes me know that this show will not have a sad ending (after BBM of course).

the two guys are hot. of course i prefer aaron to christian. seriously cant stand guys with long hair. i always like guys with short hair. bald, crew cut, caesar, whichever.

its sad to see how people can react agaist homosexuality, especially through the religious lenses. how gays are looked as evil and should rot in hell. guess that is one of the reason why i cant come out. not only i love my faith too much but also what others might think of me.

also watched 'eating out' and 'Boy culture'. Q Alllan brocka's stuff, apart of the eyue candy and nudity, have not been really good.

wondering if there are any gay films that i can watch?

My first time

i came back from swimming pool today feeling a bit disoriented. i could not believe what had happened to me just now. the reality is trying to sink itself into my mind. i felt proud yet guilty at the same time. i had my first taste of having a jerk off session with a man.

i was at the swimming pool ,putting on my clothes after a hot bath. as usual i was feasting on the naked guys that are all around me. then there was this guy who looks kinda cute, chubby and tall caucasian. he gave me a smile and i smile back. he looks a bit restless and keep looking at me. i wa thinking either he was doing the same thing i have been doing, or he is condemning me inside for my pervertness. then he took off his pants and was walking around naked. when i was washing my swimming trunks he went to the basin, when i went to the urinal he went there as well. As i had experience of being followed by a gay guy before in KL (of which i gracefully rejected), i knew that this guys was hitting on me and he is, obviously, gay. i turned to him and smile, i guess i just confirmed that i am gay and am interested for a bathroom visit. he whispered, 'shall we go to the toilet outside? i am a bottom' i nodded and went along. as we walk there i was thinking, of my goodness what have i got myself into, i am going to have sex, for the first time, with a caucasian guy.

it all started the moment he closed the bathroom door, it was a disabled toilet which is quite spacious. i told him it's my first time and i was a bit nervous. He gave a smile and said no worry, that s when it all began. he took off his pants and helped me with my pants and shirt, he went straight to my dick and suck it. it was first time i was sucked, felt a bit funny . he was hard. then we kiss. that's the funny part, because i have never kissed before i felt a bit weird kissing a guy, with the tongue and teeth and all. his dick was a bit bigger than mine. i think it felt magical the moment i held his dick. it was like dream come true after watching porn for so long, because i always wondered how it feels like to have sex with a a guy. well i almost had it all. we kissed, jerked, sucked each other until he came. i, meantime, because of too nervous and also have been jacking off for too many times this week, failed to come. however, knowing that he came gave me a relief, if i did not enjoyed it, at least he did.

he told me his name is Quake, or Quaid, i did not really get that. The whole thing was a relief for me. obviously i am gay now. it felt quite good when he fingered my ass, and i fingered his too. and to kiss and hug a guy was a great feeling, it feels nice to hold a strong man. gosh i could be into bears. and i also sucked his cock too. It felt weird too but it was nice, now i know what deep throating is. he asked me after whether i have a partner, i told him that i am still in closet, he said 'one day you will find one'. How i hope he was right. i will love to have a caucasian boyfriend, if only that is possible.

i walked back a changed person, now i hope i get to do a real sex,with anal penetration and all that. but now, i guess i have to admit that i am gay.

now how about swimming next saturday?

Will and Grace

Have been watching Will & Grace via TV-links. the character is so cool, especially will and Jack. Well Jack is the typical flamboyant Queen type (similiar to emmett in QAF, maybe without the appalling clothing sense). but Will, oh he is just the type i will kill for to have as a boyfriend. Well actually i do not even mind having a gay nerdy type(Chris, he is so Dr. Daniel Jackson in Stargate), but as usual i keep them in my heart. some of my friends know of the person i have a crush on but the actual person will not know anything. if only i have the courage to tell them that i like them.

watching Will and Grace gives me a escape mechanism from the homophobic world to the world where i can enjoy gay comedy shows just because i can identify with the gay character played so well by Eric Mccormack (sigh* if only he is not straight). hopefully i can be well off, have a professional career (ELT lecturer or professor ) live in a uptown apartment in Damansara, drives a nice sedan and wears Dockers and Padini. it is my dream and i will try to achieve it. and the gay side? well i might keep it until one day i can face it by myself and actually do something conclusive about it.

To be or not to be

i was bored soi went to you tube and searched for some videos to watch. i was watching a few coming out story and once again i was thrown into the dilemma of coming out.

i always know that i am diffrent somewhat. my obsession with penis began even when i was a kid. i sneek on my dad's and my grandad's just see how it is like. i get turned on whenever a guy is half naked in the TV show. i keep that all to myself. the gay self has always been in me,waiting for me to grow up and to realize that as a fact.

well the reality kicked in when i was twelve. i was 'in love' with this school teacher of mine and i even cried knowing that i will not see him again as i am moving to middle school. later throughout the years i have ended up having 'crushes' on so many guys, from school seniors, to celebrities and teachers and the last one is a lecturer whom i get myself really close to. it pains me to know that deep inside i could not love a woman. i can only love a man as a man and of course it is a total abomination.

i really doubt if i can ever come out and admit that i am gay. there are too many reasons why i should not do that. forst of all it will break my parents hearts. they are prejudiced of gays and they think gays are sick and disgusting. How would they feel if their son is actually one of those sick guys too? Few years back i have embaced Catholicism and i love my faith too much to let it go. Catholic church never ackowledge that being gay is sinful but to act out the feelings that you are gay is wrong. Being gay is a calling to celibate and to devote yourself to God's work. well that sound very holy but i do not think i will take that as a option. why must i be denied a life of pleasure just because i am so different from others? All these are such a dilemma that i sometimes worried of my future even by just thinking about it. i know myself too well that i will not force myself to do something that i would not do and i doubt that i will actually marry a girl and start a family just because it is the right thing to do in the eyes of the society. i might stay single and died alone, or i could discern my calling of becoming a priest or a La Salle brother (i dun know why i like that order anyway), or i could migrate somewhere (Canada) and start a newlife and embrace the gay part of me. io have many options but i still have the luxury of procrastination. i can keep it aside until i graduate and start working. then i will know better what i need to do with my life i guess.

Sigh* its hard being me, really.

Milton Henry

gosh men, i wasat school today and i think i am falling in love woth the literacy tutor name Milton henry. gosh he is so cute. wonder how he felt if he finds out that his students is having a cruch on him.

i dont know why but i was captivated by his height, his gentleness, and his eyes, oh those pair of eyes that speak of enthusiasm and love. i love his voice and his shirt. goodness this is becoming my obsession. this is not healthy. Am i gonna live like this for the rest of my life, loving or being obsessed with a man one after another?

today i went back to my room and actually cried. there was this surge of pain in my heart and i dont know how to romove it. it pains me so much that i need to cry it out to alleviate the pain. Guess that's the pain of being in the closet. you know you are gay but you cant express it.

now i wonder whether if he googles his name he would end up at my blog. then he can start guessing who the heck he is that admires him in silence. i am sure he would have a hard time finding that out.