all i can do for now

it's december. i am back in my hometown and it was raining all day. i love monsoon season. the last month of every year seems to be a recollection of a sort for me. where i reflect on the year. feeling possibly melancholic and also sighing. the weather pretty much reflect the feeling that i have.

this year is a transition year for me. it has been a year since i left NZ. never really quite forgotten the things that happened to me when i was there. things i have done, people i have met and also the fact that i have found myself and never be the same person again. it pains me to go back into the closet again and ponder the slim chances of whether or not i will be able to live permanently outside of Malaysia ever again.

But throughout this year i managed to have fun a few times and i am contented though i will not complain if i get extra. malaysians guy are of course more discreet and are somewhat more caring than the Kiwis. maybe the fact that we are all in the same boat means that we should somehow out of common sense should take care and look out for each other.

this year also sees me venturing into something which i have personally have no belief in-long distance relationship. i sent Adam a card the other day and he was pretty happy to receive it. though am not too sure whether he has sent me one but i think it does not matter. at least i have done my part. he is coming down to malaysia next year and i suppose the next time we meet will be high time where i discover my true feeling towards him and also how do we go from there. he has plans of settling down permanently here in Malaysia and i wished him all the success in doing that.

as for myself i begin my career next year. it will be a difficult time as all my seniors have shed lights but i intend to persevere and i really hope that life will not be too difficult for me.

have faith and pray for providence. that's all i can do for now.

November stories

Well I was shocked that I have had no entry for my blog for about 5 months now. Well that pretty much was the length of time that I was in dry spell. Well I was busy and I didn’t have time to entertain interested parties let alone looking for one. Well I was pretty free this time around as I wait for my work appointment next year jan. So I had fun with a Chinese guy in downtown KL.

At first looking for his place was really difficult. While partly because I was going to catch a movie that afternoon ( New Moon was quite boring, but Jacob and his pack boys surely make me horny hehe). So when I was about o head over to his place it was evening already. I was going to give up actually as I was not happy of going back from downtown KL all by myself. However, he offered to send me back so that was a deal sealed. I travelled there by LRT and went into his apartment after a merry go round looking for the Lift that goes to his place.

The view from his apartment is fanstastic. Dramatic view of KLCC skyline with KL tower totally in view. It’s his uncle’s place but being away means he has the place for himself. We’ll call him Alan k. So we went straight into business. He was pretty nice guy. Size department a little bit disappointing but not an issue. He kissed pretty well though sometimes his kiss is bit sloppy. Averaged bodied like me. But he is nice to hold. Well I was on dry spell so I could seriously jumped on any average Joe really. The sex went on for a while. He was quite long lasting and we came together. Then he sent me back.

As an afterthought it was fun. But then I do feel guilty as I cheated behind Adam’s back. We have been chatting pretty often really and our relationship has been going on well. He’ll come visit me in March and will try to relocate here. I was happy of course, he’s a nice person plus he is a white guy from NZ. Among my gay fren having an English-speaking Caucasian boyfriend is a cool thing. Something which I have. Well I also see him as a way of permanently living in NZ when I get older. but most of all I am just happy to have someone to call my own. After a very disappointing relationship with KJ (well partly it was my fault), am just happy to have another nice boyfren who is younger and earns bit more, even when he is so far away and his true character is still not to be seen.

Next week I will celebrate the first year of my return from Auckland. I can still remember the feeling that I had when I was at the airport waiting for departure. Breaking up with KJ means I did not leave anything behind like some of my friends did. But then it was sad to be going back to Malaysia. I have to go back into the closet though I am not actually deep in one either.

Nevertheless I am happy to retain many parts of Kiwi in me. Like many I now enjoy beer and wine, listening to Jazz music and also develop a liking for anything Kiwi or Australian, from accents, to people and places and also culture. Too bad that I can’t do sport. But then gay kiwis don’t really do sport either.

Next year will promise even longer dry spell, at least until march. But I reckon that I will be busy then so will not notice time flies. My workplace next year will determine how I will live and plan my life. I got to be careful in planning. I will do well I hope. In God’s providence I trust.

The Tasik Trip

i am now taking a sweet one week break from school, heading back to college for briefing and also some reflection time. been really great. I also went out with my fellow sisters and have some fun too.

The Friday evening we headed out to The Curve, hoping to catch some movie. But the movie selection sucks so we went out and stumbled upon a bar called Scarlett. We had a beer and enjoy the good music mixed by a female DJ. But then we decided to head downtown to Frangipani to have more drinks and more fun. Nevertheless by the time we got there it was about 2am and we thought it was not worth it to go in and pay rm30 cover charge and come out an hour later. So we went mamak instead and later head down to the Taman Tasik Permaisuri.

I have long known taman tasik permaisuri or I shall call it Queenslake Garden (QG) as a well known cruising spot for KL gay boys. The place looks dodgy and really quiet when we got there around 3am. Well I supposed the major crowd may have left with their friends or that the Friday night was a relatively quiet one. But I do see some muscular men standing around with some twinks wandering around the bushes looking for some fun. I was with a friend and we did not do anything. We just took a stroll down the lake. Well not just the gays are there but also some anglers trying their luck with some fish late at night. After the stroll we went back to the carpark and hang there until 5am. Pretty crazy I know.

It was funny that this place will be the closest thing I ever get to K’Rd in Auckland. There we have the gay boys, trannies and also the gay couple being out and about under the shades of dimmed light and in the guise of the moon. I saw two boys walking holding hands. I felt a bit happy inside. Well Malaysia is not entirely like some middle eastern countries. There are places we can still be ourselves and enjoy each other company. They were many transgenders or “Mak Nyah’ around the park. Probably early morning is the only time that they can ever come out without getting the stared eyes.

With the new found techno –clubby song ‘when love takes over’ by Kelly Rowland and David Guetta playing in my head, I feel that my gay life will really come to an abrupt end when I finished college end of this year, then the period of exodus began as I will be frequenting KL once a while for fun while remain mostly remote for work. In a way I do dread that time coming but I suppose I do not really have a choice. Also with the Adam question hanging I do hope for a guiding light that can tell me what I should really do with my life.

But myself aside, I am happy and pray for all LGBT people in Malaysia to find a light that recognise their presence once day. We are many and we are slowly getting the acceptance from the society which may be a very long and painful process but I am optimistic we will eventually get there.

An indian sex.

Busy with works and all. I finally hooked up with another guy from the net. Name’s Eddy and he is quite a good top.

Well we have been chatting to the net for quite some time but we never had a chance to meet up and have fun because I was at my hometown then and then he was pretty busy with work. So last night around nine he picked me up near PJ and we drove over to a place at Technology Park Malaysia for fun. I think it’s quite amusing that my first visit to the place (trust me I have longed to see the place and be led in a guided tour of TPM), only to find myself coming here for sex.

We locked the door of a utility room and get down to business. He’s a great kisser and I really enjoy that. I love a good kiss in bed. Then he sucked my nipples, which the whole world may know by now is my weak spot. I was thrashing under him and he sucked them like a lollipop. Then of course we proceed with more nipple and cock sucking before we went all the way. The fuck was good. He wasn’t too big so it was nice to my ass. And also as he is skinny being able to hug him entirely feels nice too. But most of all I enjoy the colour of his skin. He is mixed of Chinese-Indian but he looks like an Indian man. So here I was getting nailed by a skinny Indian man. I thought the colour combination is awesome. It’r really y nature to have sex with somebody who is from a different ethnicity than I am.

We might hooked up again but not sure about that. Hopefully I’ll have a luck with a Malay guy instead. any takers?

holidays....

I realised that despite my almost hibernating state of my blog, there are still people who visit the blog from time to time. thanks guys.

Well it’s college holiday for me and I am back in hometown. Life has been really boring for me. My hometown friends are all away as I have holiday different from the rest of the world. So am stuck here with my laptop and novels. And also as I have dial-up at home. the snail-slow internet is almost unbearable. Life has been really boring *sigh.

Sex wise I have been meeting my FB for a few times already before i left KL for hometown. Though he is not much of a looker but his performance in bed really make up things. And also I have been hailed by a few interested parties online as well. So I am heading back to Garden City of Light very soon. So I can get some extra fun. Will post about that later.

My results was dismal and dissappointing yet again. Despite scrapping through with As for all assignments. My grades eventually settled with 2 As and 2Bs, pretty disappointing really. But I don’t really care. I think I have grown out of the get a B and cry like a baby stage. Now I just move now. It’s practicum when I start my semester.

And the LDR with Adam works alright. Despite the distance we are still doing ok with emails, texts and occasional phone calls. I do feel bad to cheat behind his back by going to bed with other guys but I only have a heart only for him, not my body haha, well at least at the meantime.

The spell was broken

After a period of almost six months on dry spell. The drought ended on the 12 of May. Yes I got laid haha.

Well someone left a message on my dormant Gay Romeo message box. Name’s  JS and he is 32 years-old, my ideal age type. he didn't look too bad on the photo. We planned to meet at the LRT station. When I first saw him he looked alright. Not much of a looker but his body is quite nice.

He drove me to his place in Puchong. We chatted along the way. He is very chinesy to me. He’s Chinese by the way. His English is pretty good and his mandarin is equally good as well. We code-switched between the two language. I was a bit ashamed as he speaks really good mandarin.

When we got there we went on to business. I was like yes this is it. He made me feel relax before he worked his magic on me. His fingers were like magic when they work on my nipples. I was practically writhing and trashing underneath him. Then I saw him in his full glory. He is not exactly muscular but he is well built. Rugby player body with a meaty frame. Hugging him was damn nice.

His member is pretty big as well and I had great time being with him. Nevertheless I slightly dislike his total control over sex. I like being submissive but I do like to contribute to the firework as well. And he also like to treat me as a big baby. He even asked me if he could call me that. Hell no! I admit I do have a daddy complex but this is way too much for me.

We then went out for dinner before he sent me home. He is pretty romantic really. He was holding and kissing my hand when he drove me back home. But I was having a second thought about him. Plus I feel guilty about cheating behind Adam. But I think I’ll see him for the sake of the sex itself. I hope he got the hint when I said that I am on the move and can’t really commit  to a relationship.

Will be seeing him tonight. Fun fun fun! 

April with Adam

Well it is almost the end of April and I will be finishing my semester soon. This week is the last week of lectures and I will submit my last assignment tomorrow. Then I will be on study break until 4^th of May when I’ll have my exam and then I’m done. I will have some courses to attend and then I can go back home for holiday.

My love life has a twist. I recently found out that a friend of mine at church is gay and frankly speaking. He was quite cute and I pretty much sussed him out the first time I saw him. Well he want to take things slow and I have no objection to that. But my problem lies in another person that i know.

I met Adam online and I instantly clicked with him. We both like sci-fi stuff and I think he is almost a mirror image of me, gentle and nice. The sex was amazing too. We really connect in the level I have never experienced. He was single and I can really see myself starting a relationship with him. But unfortunately it was a month before I leave NZ and I can’t ask for something which I can’t have. Though I tried to meet him as often as I can before I left, he seems to avoid me by ignoring my texts and calls. But then he’ll send messages asking how I was doing. So I left it at that, I did not even had a chance to say a proper goodbye before I left NZ.

Then after I came back I had a chance to chat online. Apparently he did not find any nice guys after me and thought that I was still the best guy he ever met (wow, that’s a good compliment I would say).  Then he decided that he will come visit me and we sort of agreed to start a long distance relationship.

He will wait for me (or I’ll wait for him) and we will work something out. Truthfully speaking I wished he did not agree to that. I feel obliged staying chaste for him when I know most likely he would do the same for me too. Well he promised me that. But I keep telling him to be open to possibilities. Who knows someone might turn up in his life and be his partner. I try to convince myself I could be the one for him but I am not so sure myself.

Because of the promise now I feel bad about the first guy I met, well I’ll call him Jas. I’ll probably just stay friends with him as I think deep inside I’ll want to be with Adam. But the distance is really far and there is no definite plan of how we will be able to be together again. But he is optimistic we’ll work it out. He seemed convinced, well I secretly hope so too.

The song ‘close to you’ by the carpenters is on again. The song really reflects my feelings to Adam. Though I did not blame him for avoiding to see me when I was there. But I can’t but feel that he should better off with someone else. That I will be an interim boyfriend until Mr. Right comes along and take over from me.

Putting that aside, my life has been pretty mundane. I start swimming again and I am also trying to prepare myself with the teaching practice in June. Be going to have some fun and also to survive my  practicum.

Marketplace outing

Yesterday marked my first outing to a gay club in KL. Upon my friends’ invitation i went to Marketplace, a bar right smack in the heart of KL. They had a special DJ for the night and it was supposed to be a blast.

When we arrived there i felt cold, the place is air conditioned. That’s why it was not hot even when there are heaps of people in the club. I heard at LQ it’s all non-air conditioned, so you will sweat like crazy. I flinched at the thought of that.

Nevertheless the music was horrible. The DJ was not as good as we hope to be. Probably for us youngsters just give us hip hop or Chart-topping pop songs and we can be happy. The thumpa-thumpa and the techno stuff really didn’t cut it for us. We left about two o clock for Bangsar to have supper before i crashed at Reez’s place in Pantai for the night.

The crowds are really trendy i must say. Only one fat guy that we noticed. Others are either skinny thin, or average weight, or muscular hot. Serious some of those boys are really hot. Washboard abs, cropped hair, handsome with trendy clothes. But then those people live in their own worlds. Minions like us don’t exist. Well we don’t dream of being with those guys anyway. Just eye candies to cheer the night. Another thing i noticed is that there are not many Indian guys, only five that i have come across, it seems that there are even more Caucasians than Indian boys.

The friends that i went with were all attached somehow, leaving me the only single in the group. Well they didn’t bring their bfs so that was all right. But i wished i have someone with me. But to live a gay life for me here in KL is bit hard. Not when i have a church commitments and also heaps of college work ( strange enough, i seemed to have more time in NZ then in Malaysia when it comes to doing uni work). However i am happy for my friends though. It’s always nice to have somebody to call your own really.

Nevertheless i am quite happy with my current condition. I am leading a team to organise our first model United Nations conference in my college. Church stuff is fun and engaging. Probably couldn’t ask for more. Will see how it goes.

musings in March

it has been two months since i last checked my blog. the plublogs.com has been suspended so i have no idea what ranking am i currently at, must be almost reaching the bottom of the list. but i just want to write in again and make some update about my current situation.

my life has been quite alright despite a somewhat hectic schedule. i never seem to have afternoon to myself anymore. Church stuff, college stuff and also some other social outings have robbed me of my precious afternoons when i use to take a nap, or surf the net. sometimes when i do have the afternoon to myself i will have a wonderful time just reading, catching my nap and also doing my pilates. out of curiosity i decided to buy a video which shows step by step instruction of doing Pilates specially tailored for men. i have mastered the first section which is the basic steps and have enjoyed doing it so far. i feel lighter and i can now push up for 30 times without feeling that my life has been taken out from me. so that's good.

study wise i should really get down to doing my assignments. but then my friends and i were constantly reminded of the malaysian way of doing things. too many a time we compared the instruction, weighting and also the helpfulness of lecturers in our assignment back in NZ or Australia or Uk with that of malaysia. things were just different here and there's nothing that we can do here as we are stuck in the system. as much as i can whine, i'll have to suck it up and face it.

i also found out that i am going to SMK La Salle PJ for my three months practicul at the second half of the year. going to a boy school gives me jitters though i do look forwards for some eye candies from students or from teachers.

gay life wise i am really back into my closet. apart from some hanging out with my fellow gay coursemates i have not been doing anything adventurous. i longed for nights out and also checking out the scenes in KL but the distance of travelling and also the danger of walking around downtown KL late at night kills my plan everytime. it is not like auckland where the gay mecca is just a ten mins walk away. i'll wait patiently for the opportunity, surely i will be able to go at least once to where i want to go.

New Year- Chinese and Gregorian

Here i am doing my maiden posting from my hostel in KL. it took me two weeks to get this post online. From afar i can see the blade-looking Telekom Tower. some of you might know where i live by this guess. We started off with an orientation and it was a long winded one. I am actually quite excited to be back despite the assignments which will soon make my life miserable for the whole year. I am also worried about my practicum at the second half of the year where things might get really horrible for me. I am quite not ready to enter the classroom despite all the years of studying and observing lessons. But then if i never try i never know so i’ll be positive.

The orientation ended after three days and many of us left for the weekend. Myself included as i headed out to Pahang for a retreat session. My secret rainbow sisters went out to La Queen for great fun, something which i will miss of course. But in all i do feel that i am feeling the most dreaded thing- being alone, really alone.

I don’t know but i do not feel as alone as i was in Auckland, probably because there are friends who do come and say hi to you and want to chat. People here have known me since the foundation days and they really do not care much for me. I too do not want to just hang out with my cliques, i wish to diversify my friends and in the end i realised that i do not have a really close friend. And i seemed really depressed by that.

But then the sad feelings also come with the frustration of dealing with the bureaucracy in Malaysia. Dealing with the pencil pushers in the public sector can be a very exasperating experience. Unanswered phone calls and emails, delayed work, layers and layers of procedures, stacks of forms to fill are still there after two years. I have prepared myself for the worst when i came back here from New Zealand after getting so used to the efficiency and courtesies of the Kiwis. But man even my preparation doesn’t alleviate the anger i had over the entire system.
Nevertheless i do feel like i need to make good use of my last full year in KL. I have not intended to stay in KL for my first posting (well not that i can get that anyway) so i need to go explore and enjoy KL before i am to be sent to somewhere far out in the middle of nowhere to teach. I could try to stay back for the sake of my rainbow life but i don’t want to suffer by not having enough money to live. Money wins the day and i feel that i only need to suffer for four years before i can enjoy the freedon for the rest of my life possibly.

I came back from GH today, clearing off my skin infection and also my blood test came back negative. No any STDs and also am HIV negative. I sighed a relief though the results were taken still relatively close to my last sex encounter. So i’ll have to undergo bloodtest again in April. Then i can really clear things out i think.

Life has not been really great. I am very much still mourning for my Auckland life. Hope the going back home on CNY will cheer things up a little.