The spell was broken

After a period of almost six months on dry spell. The drought ended on the 12 of May. Yes I got laid haha.

Well someone left a message on my dormant Gay Romeo message box. Name’s  JS and he is 32 years-old, my ideal age type. he didn't look too bad on the photo. We planned to meet at the LRT station. When I first saw him he looked alright. Not much of a looker but his body is quite nice.

He drove me to his place in Puchong. We chatted along the way. He is very chinesy to me. He’s Chinese by the way. His English is pretty good and his mandarin is equally good as well. We code-switched between the two language. I was a bit ashamed as he speaks really good mandarin.

When we got there we went on to business. I was like yes this is it. He made me feel relax before he worked his magic on me. His fingers were like magic when they work on my nipples. I was practically writhing and trashing underneath him. Then I saw him in his full glory. He is not exactly muscular but he is well built. Rugby player body with a meaty frame. Hugging him was damn nice.

His member is pretty big as well and I had great time being with him. Nevertheless I slightly dislike his total control over sex. I like being submissive but I do like to contribute to the firework as well. And he also like to treat me as a big baby. He even asked me if he could call me that. Hell no! I admit I do have a daddy complex but this is way too much for me.

We then went out for dinner before he sent me home. He is pretty romantic really. He was holding and kissing my hand when he drove me back home. But I was having a second thought about him. Plus I feel guilty about cheating behind Adam. But I think I’ll see him for the sake of the sex itself. I hope he got the hint when I said that I am on the move and can’t really commit  to a relationship.

Will be seeing him tonight. Fun fun fun! 

April with Adam

Well it is almost the end of April and I will be finishing my semester soon. This week is the last week of lectures and I will submit my last assignment tomorrow. Then I will be on study break until 4^th of May when I’ll have my exam and then I’m done. I will have some courses to attend and then I can go back home for holiday.

My love life has a twist. I recently found out that a friend of mine at church is gay and frankly speaking. He was quite cute and I pretty much sussed him out the first time I saw him. Well he want to take things slow and I have no objection to that. But my problem lies in another person that i know.

I met Adam online and I instantly clicked with him. We both like sci-fi stuff and I think he is almost a mirror image of me, gentle and nice. The sex was amazing too. We really connect in the level I have never experienced. He was single and I can really see myself starting a relationship with him. But unfortunately it was a month before I leave NZ and I can’t ask for something which I can’t have. Though I tried to meet him as often as I can before I left, he seems to avoid me by ignoring my texts and calls. But then he’ll send messages asking how I was doing. So I left it at that, I did not even had a chance to say a proper goodbye before I left NZ.

Then after I came back I had a chance to chat online. Apparently he did not find any nice guys after me and thought that I was still the best guy he ever met (wow, that’s a good compliment I would say).  Then he decided that he will come visit me and we sort of agreed to start a long distance relationship.

He will wait for me (or I’ll wait for him) and we will work something out. Truthfully speaking I wished he did not agree to that. I feel obliged staying chaste for him when I know most likely he would do the same for me too. Well he promised me that. But I keep telling him to be open to possibilities. Who knows someone might turn up in his life and be his partner. I try to convince myself I could be the one for him but I am not so sure myself.

Because of the promise now I feel bad about the first guy I met, well I’ll call him Jas. I’ll probably just stay friends with him as I think deep inside I’ll want to be with Adam. But the distance is really far and there is no definite plan of how we will be able to be together again. But he is optimistic we’ll work it out. He seemed convinced, well I secretly hope so too.

The song ‘close to you’ by the carpenters is on again. The song really reflects my feelings to Adam. Though I did not blame him for avoiding to see me when I was there. But I can’t but feel that he should better off with someone else. That I will be an interim boyfriend until Mr. Right comes along and take over from me.

Putting that aside, my life has been pretty mundane. I start swimming again and I am also trying to prepare myself with the teaching practice in June. Be going to have some fun and also to survive my  practicum.

Marketplace outing

Yesterday marked my first outing to a gay club in KL. Upon my friends’ invitation i went to Marketplace, a bar right smack in the heart of KL. They had a special DJ for the night and it was supposed to be a blast.

When we arrived there i felt cold, the place is air conditioned. That’s why it was not hot even when there are heaps of people in the club. I heard at LQ it’s all non-air conditioned, so you will sweat like crazy. I flinched at the thought of that.

Nevertheless the music was horrible. The DJ was not as good as we hope to be. Probably for us youngsters just give us hip hop or Chart-topping pop songs and we can be happy. The thumpa-thumpa and the techno stuff really didn’t cut it for us. We left about two o clock for Bangsar to have supper before i crashed at Reez’s place in Pantai for the night.

The crowds are really trendy i must say. Only one fat guy that we noticed. Others are either skinny thin, or average weight, or muscular hot. Serious some of those boys are really hot. Washboard abs, cropped hair, handsome with trendy clothes. But then those people live in their own worlds. Minions like us don’t exist. Well we don’t dream of being with those guys anyway. Just eye candies to cheer the night. Another thing i noticed is that there are not many Indian guys, only five that i have come across, it seems that there are even more Caucasians than Indian boys.

The friends that i went with were all attached somehow, leaving me the only single in the group. Well they didn’t bring their bfs so that was all right. But i wished i have someone with me. But to live a gay life for me here in KL is bit hard. Not when i have a church commitments and also heaps of college work ( strange enough, i seemed to have more time in NZ then in Malaysia when it comes to doing uni work). However i am happy for my friends though. It’s always nice to have somebody to call your own really.

Nevertheless i am quite happy with my current condition. I am leading a team to organise our first model United Nations conference in my college. Church stuff is fun and engaging. Probably couldn’t ask for more. Will see how it goes.

musings in March

it has been two months since i last checked my blog. the plublogs.com has been suspended so i have no idea what ranking am i currently at, must be almost reaching the bottom of the list. but i just want to write in again and make some update about my current situation.

my life has been quite alright despite a somewhat hectic schedule. i never seem to have afternoon to myself anymore. Church stuff, college stuff and also some other social outings have robbed me of my precious afternoons when i use to take a nap, or surf the net. sometimes when i do have the afternoon to myself i will have a wonderful time just reading, catching my nap and also doing my pilates. out of curiosity i decided to buy a video which shows step by step instruction of doing Pilates specially tailored for men. i have mastered the first section which is the basic steps and have enjoyed doing it so far. i feel lighter and i can now push up for 30 times without feeling that my life has been taken out from me. so that's good.

study wise i should really get down to doing my assignments. but then my friends and i were constantly reminded of the malaysian way of doing things. too many a time we compared the instruction, weighting and also the helpfulness of lecturers in our assignment back in NZ or Australia or Uk with that of malaysia. things were just different here and there's nothing that we can do here as we are stuck in the system. as much as i can whine, i'll have to suck it up and face it.

i also found out that i am going to SMK La Salle PJ for my three months practicul at the second half of the year. going to a boy school gives me jitters though i do look forwards for some eye candies from students or from teachers.

gay life wise i am really back into my closet. apart from some hanging out with my fellow gay coursemates i have not been doing anything adventurous. i longed for nights out and also checking out the scenes in KL but the distance of travelling and also the danger of walking around downtown KL late at night kills my plan everytime. it is not like auckland where the gay mecca is just a ten mins walk away. i'll wait patiently for the opportunity, surely i will be able to go at least once to where i want to go.

New Year- Chinese and Gregorian

Here i am doing my maiden posting from my hostel in KL. it took me two weeks to get this post online. From afar i can see the blade-looking Telekom Tower. some of you might know where i live by this guess. We started off with an orientation and it was a long winded one. I am actually quite excited to be back despite the assignments which will soon make my life miserable for the whole year. I am also worried about my practicum at the second half of the year where things might get really horrible for me. I am quite not ready to enter the classroom despite all the years of studying and observing lessons. But then if i never try i never know so i’ll be positive.

The orientation ended after three days and many of us left for the weekend. Myself included as i headed out to Pahang for a retreat session. My secret rainbow sisters went out to La Queen for great fun, something which i will miss of course. But in all i do feel that i am feeling the most dreaded thing- being alone, really alone.

I don’t know but i do not feel as alone as i was in Auckland, probably because there are friends who do come and say hi to you and want to chat. People here have known me since the foundation days and they really do not care much for me. I too do not want to just hang out with my cliques, i wish to diversify my friends and in the end i realised that i do not have a really close friend. And i seemed really depressed by that.

But then the sad feelings also come with the frustration of dealing with the bureaucracy in Malaysia. Dealing with the pencil pushers in the public sector can be a very exasperating experience. Unanswered phone calls and emails, delayed work, layers and layers of procedures, stacks of forms to fill are still there after two years. I have prepared myself for the worst when i came back here from New Zealand after getting so used to the efficiency and courtesies of the Kiwis. But man even my preparation doesn’t alleviate the anger i had over the entire system.
Nevertheless i do feel like i need to make good use of my last full year in KL. I have not intended to stay in KL for my first posting (well not that i can get that anyway) so i need to go explore and enjoy KL before i am to be sent to somewhere far out in the middle of nowhere to teach. I could try to stay back for the sake of my rainbow life but i don’t want to suffer by not having enough money to live. Money wins the day and i feel that i only need to suffer for four years before i can enjoy the freedon for the rest of my life possibly.

I came back from GH today, clearing off my skin infection and also my blood test came back negative. No any STDs and also am HIV negative. I sighed a relief though the results were taken still relatively close to my last sex encounter. So i’ll have to undergo bloodtest again in April. Then i can really clear things out i think.

Life has not been really great. I am very much still mourning for my Auckland life. Hope the going back home on CNY will cheer things up a little.

New Year reflection

Well this is the second New Year entry for me. As 2009 dawns about less than four hours away, i will reflect on the whole year and also plan for the year ahead.

This year has been a mixed year for me. I had a great time studying third year in Auckland, involved in the church social and also getting started on the rainbow life. I have made many friends and have travelled to many places in New Zealand and also to set foot in Australia.

But i am , to my surprise, still nursing my grieves after leaving New Zealand, i can’t help reminiscing about the great life in NZ whenever i listened to pop songs which are reflective of the events i experienced in Auckland. Songs like Brooke Fraser’s ‘Shadowfeet’, Chris Brown’s ‘Forever’, Sara Bareilles ‘Love Song’, Donna Summer’s ‘Last Dance’ ( ok that’s an exception) never failed to draw me back to the people i met, places i went and also the things that i did when i was there. Then a sudden pang of pain will hit me as i know i am thousands of miles away from where all these things happened to me. Gym, Tramp, roadtrips, clubbing, random guys i met, UniQ meeting, Uni lectures, church folks. But then i guess my life has to go on, despite the pain i need to learn to accept it and to move on. There’s no point dwelling in the past when there’s a future ahead of you.

But the travelling i have done this year was really memorable. I hiked some of the most beautiful tracks in New Zealand, attended World Youth Day, the biggest Catholic pilgrimage event in Sydney, Australia, met and known so many Kiwi and international friends and all the pub outings have been such an eye-opener. This i will treasure in my heart always, praying that i will one day get to relive all these experiences again.

The future? Well it’s my last year of studying. I aimed to do well in the course and hopefully graduate with a second upper if not a first class. I’ll continue with my crunches to eventually kill my belly. And also though not on the priority list is probably meet some local guys and have some fun or a romance? Hihi. Then the life will be more beautiful. I’ll be learning new things again as i begin the full closet life back home. But i now have some ‘sisters’ who will be my comrades on the journey. Hopefully we’ll be closer and form great friendships.
Still i find it painful to let go of 2008, i wished it will never end, though they are joy and pain along the way, i realised i have grown so much and the me who came back is no longer the same me who left Malaysian shores two years ago. I really hope my life will be a great one. Probably too early to worry about that but hey, it’s never too early to start hoping and planning.

Happy New Year! Bonne Annee 2009!

Christmas time

It was the season again. Christmas is in town and i am quite looking forward for the little solitary Christmas this year in my hometown.

When i was in New Zealand i developed a liking for Jazz music, i like them both fast and slow. So i have been p2p downloading some jazz music and listening to them when i read, such a soothing music to the ears. But i don’t have any Christmas songs, funny thinking about it.

I can’t believe it’s Christmas tomorrow. I was pretty much in the nostalgic mode reminiscing the great days in Auckland. My only Christmas celebration in Auckland was pretty simple yet memorable. I went to the midnight mass and the choir sang beautifully and i felt so wonderful. After that i had a chat with a friend over two bottles of wine and we chatted till dusk. Then i went to bed and woke up around noon to go to my friend’s friend house for Christmas dinner. It was such a great night. Good food, great wine and also great jazz music. Which i think could be what gets me into the music at the first place. I supposed that was my first real Christmas celebration.

The person i had the overnight chat with was such a nice person. Jane was pretty understanding when i came out to her and she made me feel it was alright to be who i am. We also chatted about KJ and a mutual acquaintance she is currently seeing. I had a crash course about relationship from her and we talked about our future. It was such a blissful moment for me. She is now back in Singapore after studying so i hope to be able to catch up with her one day. A great chat will never go wrong with great companion and also a bottle of great wine.

Christmas has not been a festival to me until i became a Catholic in 2006, from that year onwards i should start celebrating Christmas. I didn’t enjoy the one in 2006 cause i was a bit lonely in the home parish in KT. I was baptised in the PJ parish so nobody at my hometown knows me. But the one in 2007 was really great as it was in Auckland and the local parish there is very nice. It was great to experience a Kiwi Christmas and also a summer Christmas as well.
This year’s Christmas is going to be pretty much back to the one in 2006. I know nobody, everybody is a stranger and i am going there solely for the mass. But i am going to give both my Godfathers a call. Hope they’ll be free to entertain me. Haha. And i just did my shopping today on the xmas eve. Will attend a vigil mass later tonight.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays.