musings in March

it has been two months since i last checked my blog. the plublogs.com has been suspended so i have no idea what ranking am i currently at, must be almost reaching the bottom of the list. but i just want to write in again and make some update about my current situation.

my life has been quite alright despite a somewhat hectic schedule. i never seem to have afternoon to myself anymore. Church stuff, college stuff and also some other social outings have robbed me of my precious afternoons when i use to take a nap, or surf the net. sometimes when i do have the afternoon to myself i will have a wonderful time just reading, catching my nap and also doing my pilates. out of curiosity i decided to buy a video which shows step by step instruction of doing Pilates specially tailored for men. i have mastered the first section which is the basic steps and have enjoyed doing it so far. i feel lighter and i can now push up for 30 times without feeling that my life has been taken out from me. so that's good.

study wise i should really get down to doing my assignments. but then my friends and i were constantly reminded of the malaysian way of doing things. too many a time we compared the instruction, weighting and also the helpfulness of lecturers in our assignment back in NZ or Australia or Uk with that of malaysia. things were just different here and there's nothing that we can do here as we are stuck in the system. as much as i can whine, i'll have to suck it up and face it.

i also found out that i am going to SMK La Salle PJ for my three months practicul at the second half of the year. going to a boy school gives me jitters though i do look forwards for some eye candies from students or from teachers.

gay life wise i am really back into my closet. apart from some hanging out with my fellow gay coursemates i have not been doing anything adventurous. i longed for nights out and also checking out the scenes in KL but the distance of travelling and also the danger of walking around downtown KL late at night kills my plan everytime. it is not like auckland where the gay mecca is just a ten mins walk away. i'll wait patiently for the opportunity, surely i will be able to go at least once to where i want to go.

New Year- Chinese and Gregorian

Here i am doing my maiden posting from my hostel in KL. it took me two weeks to get this post online. From afar i can see the blade-looking Telekom Tower. some of you might know where i live by this guess. We started off with an orientation and it was a long winded one. I am actually quite excited to be back despite the assignments which will soon make my life miserable for the whole year. I am also worried about my practicum at the second half of the year where things might get really horrible for me. I am quite not ready to enter the classroom despite all the years of studying and observing lessons. But then if i never try i never know so i’ll be positive.

The orientation ended after three days and many of us left for the weekend. Myself included as i headed out to Pahang for a retreat session. My secret rainbow sisters went out to La Queen for great fun, something which i will miss of course. But in all i do feel that i am feeling the most dreaded thing- being alone, really alone.

I don’t know but i do not feel as alone as i was in Auckland, probably because there are friends who do come and say hi to you and want to chat. People here have known me since the foundation days and they really do not care much for me. I too do not want to just hang out with my cliques, i wish to diversify my friends and in the end i realised that i do not have a really close friend. And i seemed really depressed by that.

But then the sad feelings also come with the frustration of dealing with the bureaucracy in Malaysia. Dealing with the pencil pushers in the public sector can be a very exasperating experience. Unanswered phone calls and emails, delayed work, layers and layers of procedures, stacks of forms to fill are still there after two years. I have prepared myself for the worst when i came back here from New Zealand after getting so used to the efficiency and courtesies of the Kiwis. But man even my preparation doesn’t alleviate the anger i had over the entire system.
Nevertheless i do feel like i need to make good use of my last full year in KL. I have not intended to stay in KL for my first posting (well not that i can get that anyway) so i need to go explore and enjoy KL before i am to be sent to somewhere far out in the middle of nowhere to teach. I could try to stay back for the sake of my rainbow life but i don’t want to suffer by not having enough money to live. Money wins the day and i feel that i only need to suffer for four years before i can enjoy the freedon for the rest of my life possibly.

I came back from GH today, clearing off my skin infection and also my blood test came back negative. No any STDs and also am HIV negative. I sighed a relief though the results were taken still relatively close to my last sex encounter. So i’ll have to undergo bloodtest again in April. Then i can really clear things out i think.

Life has not been really great. I am very much still mourning for my Auckland life. Hope the going back home on CNY will cheer things up a little.

New Year reflection

Well this is the second New Year entry for me. As 2009 dawns about less than four hours away, i will reflect on the whole year and also plan for the year ahead.

This year has been a mixed year for me. I had a great time studying third year in Auckland, involved in the church social and also getting started on the rainbow life. I have made many friends and have travelled to many places in New Zealand and also to set foot in Australia.

But i am , to my surprise, still nursing my grieves after leaving New Zealand, i can’t help reminiscing about the great life in NZ whenever i listened to pop songs which are reflective of the events i experienced in Auckland. Songs like Brooke Fraser’s ‘Shadowfeet’, Chris Brown’s ‘Forever’, Sara Bareilles ‘Love Song’, Donna Summer’s ‘Last Dance’ ( ok that’s an exception) never failed to draw me back to the people i met, places i went and also the things that i did when i was there. Then a sudden pang of pain will hit me as i know i am thousands of miles away from where all these things happened to me. Gym, Tramp, roadtrips, clubbing, random guys i met, UniQ meeting, Uni lectures, church folks. But then i guess my life has to go on, despite the pain i need to learn to accept it and to move on. There’s no point dwelling in the past when there’s a future ahead of you.

But the travelling i have done this year was really memorable. I hiked some of the most beautiful tracks in New Zealand, attended World Youth Day, the biggest Catholic pilgrimage event in Sydney, Australia, met and known so many Kiwi and international friends and all the pub outings have been such an eye-opener. This i will treasure in my heart always, praying that i will one day get to relive all these experiences again.

The future? Well it’s my last year of studying. I aimed to do well in the course and hopefully graduate with a second upper if not a first class. I’ll continue with my crunches to eventually kill my belly. And also though not on the priority list is probably meet some local guys and have some fun or a romance? Hihi. Then the life will be more beautiful. I’ll be learning new things again as i begin the full closet life back home. But i now have some ‘sisters’ who will be my comrades on the journey. Hopefully we’ll be closer and form great friendships.
Still i find it painful to let go of 2008, i wished it will never end, though they are joy and pain along the way, i realised i have grown so much and the me who came back is no longer the same me who left Malaysian shores two years ago. I really hope my life will be a great one. Probably too early to worry about that but hey, it’s never too early to start hoping and planning.

Happy New Year! Bonne Annee 2009!

Christmas time

It was the season again. Christmas is in town and i am quite looking forward for the little solitary Christmas this year in my hometown.

When i was in New Zealand i developed a liking for Jazz music, i like them both fast and slow. So i have been p2p downloading some jazz music and listening to them when i read, such a soothing music to the ears. But i don’t have any Christmas songs, funny thinking about it.

I can’t believe it’s Christmas tomorrow. I was pretty much in the nostalgic mode reminiscing the great days in Auckland. My only Christmas celebration in Auckland was pretty simple yet memorable. I went to the midnight mass and the choir sang beautifully and i felt so wonderful. After that i had a chat with a friend over two bottles of wine and we chatted till dusk. Then i went to bed and woke up around noon to go to my friend’s friend house for Christmas dinner. It was such a great night. Good food, great wine and also great jazz music. Which i think could be what gets me into the music at the first place. I supposed that was my first real Christmas celebration.

The person i had the overnight chat with was such a nice person. Jane was pretty understanding when i came out to her and she made me feel it was alright to be who i am. We also chatted about KJ and a mutual acquaintance she is currently seeing. I had a crash course about relationship from her and we talked about our future. It was such a blissful moment for me. She is now back in Singapore after studying so i hope to be able to catch up with her one day. A great chat will never go wrong with great companion and also a bottle of great wine.

Christmas has not been a festival to me until i became a Catholic in 2006, from that year onwards i should start celebrating Christmas. I didn’t enjoy the one in 2006 cause i was a bit lonely in the home parish in KT. I was baptised in the PJ parish so nobody at my hometown knows me. But the one in 2007 was really great as it was in Auckland and the local parish there is very nice. It was great to experience a Kiwi Christmas and also a summer Christmas as well.
This year’s Christmas is going to be pretty much back to the one in 2006. I know nobody, everybody is a stranger and i am going there solely for the mass. But i am going to give both my Godfathers a call. Hope they’ll be free to entertain me. Haha. And i just did my shopping today on the xmas eve. Will attend a vigil mass later tonight.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays.

Back in Malaysia

It has almost been a fortnight since i left Auckland for home. It was great seeing mum and dad and all my family members. The heat was not a shock for me, as it has been raining cats and dogs since the end of November in my home town. I was given a good chance to adjust to the heat again. But it was not such a difficult thing to do anyway, as i have lived in Malaysia for my whole life. Two years of New Zealand will not make me suffer through the heat back home. The adapting stage started and ended naturally and without me noticing it.

At the Auckland International Airport 12 days ago, the scene was just dramatic for some of us. Each of my hags bid farewell to a best friend in NZ and an ex boyfriend. The one who said goodbye to the boyfriend also cried before we boarded the plane back. It’s a wonder why they would react in such a way, while i know that of all of us, i will be the one who will miss this place the most. Well it was at New Zealand that i learn to embrace my sexuality and also the knowledge and skills to become one.

I came to the airport with the rest of us. Two of my church friend came to say bye to me and Rebecca. But no boyfriends for me sadly. KJ has left for Australia in Nov and i have not heard from him since. But i also don’t want to hear from him. It was a painful and shameful relationship to me that i just want to forget about it altogether. Of course after KJ i had mostly flings so am not attached after that. But i did send a message saying goodbye to all of them and i did get wishes and goodbyes from them as well.

The flight back was all right. As usual i enjoyed MAS’s inflight entertainment and also the food. I watched The Mummy 3 and also Mamma Mia, which were very good stories and comes with good songs for the latter. No hot flight attendant for me. The guy who sat beside me was fat and quiet. Food was tasty. I have always loved the plane food, the taste was pretty good and i love the packaging.

As i was on board i did get the chance to sit quietly in between shows, reminiscing my past life in New Zealand. My first sex, my first boyfriend, my first breakup, my flings and my gay friends whom i get to meet them but haven’t got a chance to know them better. It was a good two years despite the fact that two years are a short period of time and i am going back home broke . The life was good but it was funny that i am not missing any part of it except the cool weather i supposed. Well i am taking it as a good sign, as i believe that one day i will go back there again.
Heading back to Malaysia also excites me to an extent as well. As i switch the location of my personals to KL, i am looking forward of getting a few hits. I am also eager to check out gay scenes in KL, heard it was bigger than Auckland albeit less Whites and more discreet. Ivan will keep me in the loop if he is to head out sometimes, guess my gay life does not end in Auckland after all.

Will be going back to the Garden City of Lights in Jan 3rd. Will catch up with some friends and hopefully some fun in KL. I hope the movie ‘Australia’ will be screening in Jan so i can watch it at Midvalley. Am also looking forward to my last year of studying and my first year as a gay boy in KL.

Sun is shinning brightly ahead of me. Well at least i want it to be.

Retrospective- UniQ experience

Marty, the new guy from UniQ, has been kind to organize a farewell drink for me who is leaving Auckland. So he put up an invitation in Facebook and those who know me pretty well through UniQ came. We had our drink as our usual spot, Naval and Family. They got me a cake and a card as well. We had a great time catching up and sharing stories. It was just like another Coffee night. Marty, Seb, Daniel and I went to Urge for a while before we went separate ways.

As I walked back with the leftover of the chocolate cake and the farewell cake, my heart felt heavy, the experience I had this year flashed through my eyes.

I still remember when I went to my first UniQ meeting. I signed up early this year but I never worked out the courage to go there until May. I went all the way to the meeting spot twice but never went in. When I decided to just went in there, I was greeted with some warm faces and some nonchalant ones. The president, Clint was welcoming and I started the journey trying to fit into the group.

It was hard at first, I had no idea what they were talking about half the time. But as time past and I attended more meetings, I got to know them better. I sometimes joined them at the Level 0 at Student commons, where they usually hang out and do their assignments. We become good friends. It was great being with people who are just like you. I feel that being gay is not weird, it’s just normal, it happens to you and me as well. I’m not a freak, but just a bit different.

We shared so many things in common. Some of them speak some French, Seb shares my penchant for bears, Nemo and Sam gave me a taste of how lesbians are just like normal girls. But the best thing I done was to be like a mentor to Marty, who was new to UniQ and start attending the meeting after me. He was quite alone at the beginning and I knew how he felt. So I tried chatted with him and even showed him around the gay scenes in K’rd. It was not long before he became part of the group and I feel my work was done. But then I realize it’s time for me to leave.

Holding the cake and the card, I walked my way along Grafton Bridge. Looking at the long road and also the dimmed street lights, I feel that my journey has already begun as a gay man. I am still young but I know the road ahead will not be a straight and easy one. But I hold the good wishes of those who know me, those who are in the same journey as I am. I feel that I will prevail one day. It may be tough but I’ll be tougher.

I’ll miss the weekend clubbing at family or checking out hot bears walking down the street. But hey I have heaps more waiting for me, who knows good things will happen to me in the end.
To Seb, Marty, Daniel, Clint, Oliver, Nemo, and Sam and Brittany who were not there, I know you guys wont be reading this but it has been good knowing all of you. Hope you guys have wonderful years ahead. Cheers and be fabulous. Hahaha.

Last weeks in NZ

If bad timing has always been the theme of my gay life, then the guy that I met a few weeks ago could really testify to that, once again. As usual was just surfing the net when a guy hollered me from NZ dating. He’s 33 and looks pretty cute, though I did suspect that he is a fem queen before I met him face to face. Name’s Aiden and he’s quite nice. We had some fun twice and I am hoping of seeing him again. He lives just across the street from where I am and he lives on the top floor, where from his apartment one can get a beautiful Auckland city view and the night view was just amazing from his house. But he’s a bit busy and it’s difficult to see him sometime so am not putting too much hope on him. Plus I can’t offer him anything anyway.

But again the hour glass is not stopping and the time I still have in Auckland is vanishing before my eyes. I find it hard to accept that I am leaving soon and did not get a chance to have another bf after Kem, of which I felt angry and disappointed at myself for wasting time with him when I could have had somebody else.

Well I am counting down the days now seriously. Eric’s comment on my blog does make me feel better. I need not have to worry so much really, probably just my profession which might make things a bit difficult to me ( a gay Malaysian Teacher? ). But I’ll survive, plus I now know a few sisters along the way so I am not alone.

My second last week in New Zealand was great. Once again My friends and I embarked on another hiking trip, this time we’ll be doing the famous Routeburn Track together with the adjoining Greenstone track to make like a loop. The view was amazing from the top really. Snow-capped mountains with green hills and valleys. But I lost one side of my spectacles lens into the river. So I will be a one-eyed monster till I fly back.

For the first time I’ll load some photos. Well I hope the photos won’t turn out too bad. and i am showing my face for the first time. well am not good looking but i don't think i am repulsive either haha.


View from Key Summit. View of Mt. Cristina.

Lake Mackenzie, second day, i tried bathing in the

lake but the water is really cold.

Conical Hill, view of Darran Mountains, feels like

being on the top of the world.

Me debut on my own blog haha. at Harris Saddle near

Lake Harris

Me looking out to Routeburn Valley.

Me At Glenorchy, near the starting of the track.

i am not still considering whether should continue with the blog. of course the gay encounter part will be less but i hope there will be some ( actions in Malaysia, can;t wait to check out). well in a way i am quite excited to be back as well, being educated to all things gay in NZ, am quite curious of the scenes in KL. oh well i'll find out when i get back.

If you're reading this, Happy birthday Eric ( RPMnut). might catch ou sometimes when i am back in KL. cheers to all readers who read my blog. it's great knowing somebody who read what you write.