Well this is the second New Year entry for me. As 2009 dawns about less than four hours away, i will reflect on the whole year and also plan for the year ahead.
This year has been a mixed year for me. I had a great time studying third year in Auckland, involved in the church social and also getting started on the rainbow life. I have made many friends and have travelled to many places in New Zealand and also to set foot in Australia.
But i am , to my surprise, still nursing my grieves after leaving New Zealand, i can’t help reminiscing about the great life in NZ whenever i listened to pop songs which are reflective of the events i experienced in Auckland. Songs like Brooke Fraser’s ‘Shadowfeet’, Chris Brown’s ‘Forever’, Sara Bareilles ‘Love Song’, Donna Summer’s ‘Last Dance’ ( ok that’s an exception) never failed to draw me back to the people i met, places i went and also the things that i did when i was there. Then a sudden pang of pain will hit me as i know i am thousands of miles away from where all these things happened to me. Gym, Tramp, roadtrips, clubbing, random guys i met, UniQ meeting, Uni lectures, church folks. But then i guess my life has to go on, despite the pain i need to learn to accept it and to move on. There’s no point dwelling in the past when there’s a future ahead of you.
But the travelling i have done this year was really memorable. I hiked some of the most beautiful tracks in New Zealand, attended World Youth Day, the biggest Catholic pilgrimage event in Sydney, Australia, met and known so many Kiwi and international friends and all the pub outings have been such an eye-opener. This i will treasure in my heart always, praying that i will one day get to relive all these experiences again.
The future? Well it’s my last year of studying. I aimed to do well in the course and hopefully graduate with a second upper if not a first class. I’ll continue with my crunches to eventually kill my belly. And also though not on the priority list is probably meet some local guys and have some fun or a romance? Hihi. Then the life will be more beautiful. I’ll be learning new things again as i begin the full closet life back home. But i now have some ‘sisters’ who will be my comrades on the journey. Hopefully we’ll be closer and form great friendships.
Still i find it painful to let go of 2008, i wished it will never end, though they are joy and pain along the way, i realised i have grown so much and the me who came back is no longer the same me who left Malaysian shores two years ago. I really hope my life will be a great one. Probably too early to worry about that but hey, it’s never too early to start hoping and planning.
Happy New Year! Bonne Annee 2009!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Christmas time
It was the season again. Christmas is in town and i am quite looking forward for the little solitary Christmas this year in my hometown.
When i was in New Zealand i developed a liking for Jazz music, i like them both fast and slow. So i have been p2p downloading some jazz music and listening to them when i read, such a soothing music to the ears. But i don’t have any Christmas songs, funny thinking about it.
I can’t believe it’s Christmas tomorrow. I was pretty much in the nostalgic mode reminiscing the great days in Auckland. My only Christmas celebration in Auckland was pretty simple yet memorable. I went to the midnight mass and the choir sang beautifully and i felt so wonderful. After that i had a chat with a friend over two bottles of wine and we chatted till dusk. Then i went to bed and woke up around noon to go to my friend’s friend house for Christmas dinner. It was such a great night. Good food, great wine and also great jazz music. Which i think could be what gets me into the music at the first place. I supposed that was my first real Christmas celebration.
The person i had the overnight chat with was such a nice person. Jane was pretty understanding when i came out to her and she made me feel it was alright to be who i am. We also chatted about KJ and a mutual acquaintance she is currently seeing. I had a crash course about relationship from her and we talked about our future. It was such a blissful moment for me. She is now back in Singapore after studying so i hope to be able to catch up with her one day. A great chat will never go wrong with great companion and also a bottle of great wine.
Christmas has not been a festival to me until i became a Catholic in 2006, from that year onwards i should start celebrating Christmas. I didn’t enjoy the one in 2006 cause i was a bit lonely in the home parish in KT. I was baptised in the PJ parish so nobody at my hometown knows me. But the one in 2007 was really great as it was in Auckland and the local parish there is very nice. It was great to experience a Kiwi Christmas and also a summer Christmas as well.
This year’s Christmas is going to be pretty much back to the one in 2006. I know nobody, everybody is a stranger and i am going there solely for the mass. But i am going to give both my Godfathers a call. Hope they’ll be free to entertain me. Haha. And i just did my shopping today on the xmas eve. Will attend a vigil mass later tonight.
Merry Christmas and happy holidays.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Back in Malaysia
It has almost been a fortnight since i left Auckland for home. It was great seeing mum and dad and all my family members. The heat was not a shock for me, as it has been raining cats and dogs since the end of November in my home town. I was given a good chance to adjust to the heat again. But it was not such a difficult thing to do anyway, as i have lived in Malaysia for my whole life. Two years of New Zealand will not make me suffer through the heat back home. The adapting stage started and ended naturally and without me noticing it.
At the Auckland International Airport 12 days ago, the scene was just dramatic for some of us. Each of my hags bid farewell to a best friend in NZ and an ex boyfriend. The one who said goodbye to the boyfriend also cried before we boarded the plane back. It’s a wonder why they would react in such a way, while i know that of all of us, i will be the one who will miss this place the most. Well it was at New Zealand that i learn to embrace my sexuality and also the knowledge and skills to become one.
I came to the airport with the rest of us. Two of my church friend came to say bye to me and Rebecca. But no boyfriends for me sadly. KJ has left for Australia in Nov and i have not heard from him since. But i also don’t want to hear from him. It was a painful and shameful relationship to me that i just want to forget about it altogether. Of course after KJ i had mostly flings so am not attached after that. But i did send a message saying goodbye to all of them and i did get wishes and goodbyes from them as well.
The flight back was all right. As usual i enjoyed MAS’s inflight entertainment and also the food. I watched The Mummy 3 and also Mamma Mia, which were very good stories and comes with good songs for the latter. No hot flight attendant for me. The guy who sat beside me was fat and quiet. Food was tasty. I have always loved the plane food, the taste was pretty good and i love the packaging.
As i was on board i did get the chance to sit quietly in between shows, reminiscing my past life in New Zealand. My first sex, my first boyfriend, my first breakup, my flings and my gay friends whom i get to meet them but haven’t got a chance to know them better. It was a good two years despite the fact that two years are a short period of time and i am going back home broke . The life was good but it was funny that i am not missing any part of it except the cool weather i supposed. Well i am taking it as a good sign, as i believe that one day i will go back there again.
Heading back to Malaysia also excites me to an extent as well. As i switch the location of my personals to KL, i am looking forward of getting a few hits. I am also eager to check out gay scenes in KL, heard it was bigger than Auckland albeit less Whites and more discreet. Ivan will keep me in the loop if he is to head out sometimes, guess my gay life does not end in Auckland after all.
Will be going back to the Garden City of Lights in Jan 3rd. Will catch up with some friends and hopefully some fun in KL. I hope the movie ‘Australia’ will be screening in Jan so i can watch it at Midvalley. Am also looking forward to my last year of studying and my first year as a gay boy in KL.
Sun is shinning brightly ahead of me. Well at least i want it to be.
At the Auckland International Airport 12 days ago, the scene was just dramatic for some of us. Each of my hags bid farewell to a best friend in NZ and an ex boyfriend. The one who said goodbye to the boyfriend also cried before we boarded the plane back. It’s a wonder why they would react in such a way, while i know that of all of us, i will be the one who will miss this place the most. Well it was at New Zealand that i learn to embrace my sexuality and also the knowledge and skills to become one.
I came to the airport with the rest of us. Two of my church friend came to say bye to me and Rebecca. But no boyfriends for me sadly. KJ has left for Australia in Nov and i have not heard from him since. But i also don’t want to hear from him. It was a painful and shameful relationship to me that i just want to forget about it altogether. Of course after KJ i had mostly flings so am not attached after that. But i did send a message saying goodbye to all of them and i did get wishes and goodbyes from them as well.
The flight back was all right. As usual i enjoyed MAS’s inflight entertainment and also the food. I watched The Mummy 3 and also Mamma Mia, which were very good stories and comes with good songs for the latter. No hot flight attendant for me. The guy who sat beside me was fat and quiet. Food was tasty. I have always loved the plane food, the taste was pretty good and i love the packaging.
As i was on board i did get the chance to sit quietly in between shows, reminiscing my past life in New Zealand. My first sex, my first boyfriend, my first breakup, my flings and my gay friends whom i get to meet them but haven’t got a chance to know them better. It was a good two years despite the fact that two years are a short period of time and i am going back home broke . The life was good but it was funny that i am not missing any part of it except the cool weather i supposed. Well i am taking it as a good sign, as i believe that one day i will go back there again.
Heading back to Malaysia also excites me to an extent as well. As i switch the location of my personals to KL, i am looking forward of getting a few hits. I am also eager to check out gay scenes in KL, heard it was bigger than Auckland albeit less Whites and more discreet. Ivan will keep me in the loop if he is to head out sometimes, guess my gay life does not end in Auckland after all.
Will be going back to the Garden City of Lights in Jan 3rd. Will catch up with some friends and hopefully some fun in KL. I hope the movie ‘Australia’ will be screening in Jan so i can watch it at Midvalley. Am also looking forward to my last year of studying and my first year as a gay boy in KL.
Sun is shinning brightly ahead of me. Well at least i want it to be.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Retrospective- UniQ experience
Marty, the new guy from UniQ, has been kind to organize a farewell drink for me who is leaving Auckland. So he put up an invitation in Facebook and those who know me pretty well through UniQ came. We had our drink as our usual spot, Naval and Family. They got me a cake and a card as well. We had a great time catching up and sharing stories. It was just like another Coffee night. Marty, Seb, Daniel and I went to Urge for a while before we went separate ways.
As I walked back with the leftover of the chocolate cake and the farewell cake, my heart felt heavy, the experience I had this year flashed through my eyes.
I still remember when I went to my first UniQ meeting. I signed up early this year but I never worked out the courage to go there until May. I went all the way to the meeting spot twice but never went in. When I decided to just went in there, I was greeted with some warm faces and some nonchalant ones. The president, Clint was welcoming and I started the journey trying to fit into the group.
It was hard at first, I had no idea what they were talking about half the time. But as time past and I attended more meetings, I got to know them better. I sometimes joined them at the Level 0 at Student commons, where they usually hang out and do their assignments. We become good friends. It was great being with people who are just like you. I feel that being gay is not weird, it’s just normal, it happens to you and me as well. I’m not a freak, but just a bit different.
We shared so many things in common. Some of them speak some French, Seb shares my penchant for bears, Nemo and Sam gave me a taste of how lesbians are just like normal girls. But the best thing I done was to be like a mentor to Marty, who was new to UniQ and start attending the meeting after me. He was quite alone at the beginning and I knew how he felt. So I tried chatted with him and even showed him around the gay scenes in K’rd. It was not long before he became part of the group and I feel my work was done. But then I realize it’s time for me to leave.
Holding the cake and the card, I walked my way along Grafton Bridge. Looking at the long road and also the dimmed street lights, I feel that my journey has already begun as a gay man. I am still young but I know the road ahead will not be a straight and easy one. But I hold the good wishes of those who know me, those who are in the same journey as I am. I feel that I will prevail one day. It may be tough but I’ll be tougher.
I’ll miss the weekend clubbing at family or checking out hot bears walking down the street. But hey I have heaps more waiting for me, who knows good things will happen to me in the end.
To Seb, Marty, Daniel, Clint, Oliver, Nemo, and Sam and Brittany who were not there, I know you guys wont be reading this but it has been good knowing all of you. Hope you guys have wonderful years ahead. Cheers and be fabulous. Hahaha.
As I walked back with the leftover of the chocolate cake and the farewell cake, my heart felt heavy, the experience I had this year flashed through my eyes.
I still remember when I went to my first UniQ meeting. I signed up early this year but I never worked out the courage to go there until May. I went all the way to the meeting spot twice but never went in. When I decided to just went in there, I was greeted with some warm faces and some nonchalant ones. The president, Clint was welcoming and I started the journey trying to fit into the group.
It was hard at first, I had no idea what they were talking about half the time. But as time past and I attended more meetings, I got to know them better. I sometimes joined them at the Level 0 at Student commons, where they usually hang out and do their assignments. We become good friends. It was great being with people who are just like you. I feel that being gay is not weird, it’s just normal, it happens to you and me as well. I’m not a freak, but just a bit different.
We shared so many things in common. Some of them speak some French, Seb shares my penchant for bears, Nemo and Sam gave me a taste of how lesbians are just like normal girls. But the best thing I done was to be like a mentor to Marty, who was new to UniQ and start attending the meeting after me. He was quite alone at the beginning and I knew how he felt. So I tried chatted with him and even showed him around the gay scenes in K’rd. It was not long before he became part of the group and I feel my work was done. But then I realize it’s time for me to leave.
Holding the cake and the card, I walked my way along Grafton Bridge. Looking at the long road and also the dimmed street lights, I feel that my journey has already begun as a gay man. I am still young but I know the road ahead will not be a straight and easy one. But I hold the good wishes of those who know me, those who are in the same journey as I am. I feel that I will prevail one day. It may be tough but I’ll be tougher.
I’ll miss the weekend clubbing at family or checking out hot bears walking down the street. But hey I have heaps more waiting for me, who knows good things will happen to me in the end.
To Seb, Marty, Daniel, Clint, Oliver, Nemo, and Sam and Brittany who were not there, I know you guys wont be reading this but it has been good knowing all of you. Hope you guys have wonderful years ahead. Cheers and be fabulous. Hahaha.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Last weeks in NZ
If bad timing has always been the theme of my gay life, then the guy that I met a few weeks ago could really testify to that, once again. As usual was just surfing the net when a guy hollered me from NZ dating. He’s 33 and looks pretty cute, though I did suspect that he is a fem queen before I met him face to face. Name’s Aiden and he’s quite nice. We had some fun twice and I am hoping of seeing him again. He lives just across the street from where I am and he lives on the top floor, where from his apartment one can get a beautiful Auckland city view and the night view was just amazing from his house. But he’s a bit busy and it’s difficult to see him sometime so am not putting too much hope on him. Plus I can’t offer him anything anyway.
But again the hour glass is not stopping and the time I still have in Auckland is vanishing before my eyes. I find it hard to accept that I am leaving soon and did not get a chance to have another bf after Kem, of which I felt angry and disappointed at myself for wasting time with him when I could have had somebody else.
Well I am counting down the days now seriously. Eric’s comment on my blog does make me feel better. I need not have to worry so much really, probably just my profession which might make things a bit difficult to me ( a gay Malaysian Teacher? ). But I’ll survive, plus I now know a few sisters along the way so I am not alone.
My second last week in New Zealand was great. Once again My friends and I embarked on another hiking trip, this time we’ll be doing the famous Routeburn Track together with the adjoining Greenstone track to make like a loop. The view was amazing from the top really. Snow-capped mountains with green hills and valleys. But I lost one side of my spectacles lens into the river. So I will be a one-eyed monster till I fly back.
For the first time I’ll load some photos. Well I hope the photos won’t turn out too bad. and i am showing my face for the first time. well am not good looking but i don't think i am repulsive either haha.
View from Key Summit. View of Mt. Cristina.
Lake Mackenzie, second day, i tried bathing in the
But again the hour glass is not stopping and the time I still have in Auckland is vanishing before my eyes. I find it hard to accept that I am leaving soon and did not get a chance to have another bf after Kem, of which I felt angry and disappointed at myself for wasting time with him when I could have had somebody else.
Well I am counting down the days now seriously. Eric’s comment on my blog does make me feel better. I need not have to worry so much really, probably just my profession which might make things a bit difficult to me ( a gay Malaysian Teacher? ). But I’ll survive, plus I now know a few sisters along the way so I am not alone.
My second last week in New Zealand was great. Once again My friends and I embarked on another hiking trip, this time we’ll be doing the famous Routeburn Track together with the adjoining Greenstone track to make like a loop. The view was amazing from the top really. Snow-capped mountains with green hills and valleys. But I lost one side of my spectacles lens into the river. So I will be a one-eyed monster till I fly back.
For the first time I’ll load some photos. Well I hope the photos won’t turn out too bad. and i am showing my face for the first time. well am not good looking but i don't think i am repulsive either haha.
View from Key Summit. View of Mt. Cristina.
Lake Mackenzie, second day, i tried bathing in the lake but the water is really cold.
Conical Hill, view of Darran Mountains, feels like
Conical Hill, view of Darran Mountains, feels like
being on the top of the world.
Me debut on my own blog haha. at Harris Saddle near
Me debut on my own blog haha. at Harris Saddle near Lake Harris
Me looking out to Routeburn Valley.
Me At Glenorchy, near the starting of the track.
Me looking out to Routeburn Valley.
Me At Glenorchy, near the starting of the track.i am not still considering whether should continue with the blog. of course the gay encounter part will be less but i hope there will be some ( actions in Malaysia, can;t wait to check out). well in a way i am quite excited to be back as well, being educated to all things gay in NZ, am quite curious of the scenes in KL. oh well i'll find out when i get back.
If you're reading this, Happy birthday Eric ( RPMnut). might catch ou sometimes when i am back in KL. cheers to all readers who read my blog. it's great knowing somebody who read what you write.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
leaving NZ
it's the labour weekend and it is already the first week of study break. I still have an assignment to hand in on tuesday. but i spent a productive day at the library yesterday and managed to get most of the work done. so am chilling out before getting back to work this evening.
this week is a mixed feeling one. On Friday, i brought some of my friends to check out thier first gay bar, well its Family of course. songs were alright and there was a cute small baldie checking me out but i dun wanna be too flashy of my alternative lifestyle so have to give it a miss. hate it when i care more about how people felt rather than what i want.
then My friend Ivan and I went out to Family the second time. some dancing. saw James but decided i dun have to go begging for his attention. so the night ended pretty early.
came sunday night and after finished most of my assignment, i went out again to Family, there is some show going on but i have no idea when it starts. and i was by myself, Ivan and Alli blew me off, both assignment fatigue. thinking of calling it an early night i went back. was just surfing the net before i hit the bed when i was hailed by a guy from NZ dating. before i knew it i was at his place at Newton and got some. then i came back at the early morning, caught some sleep and write this post.
guy's name is Josh, pretty soft type to me but boy aint he gentle in bed. pretty agressive yet gentle with me. i had great time. it was great that he was good. was on dry spell for a while. a good sex always cheers things out.
I am feeling the cringe in the stomach as december 2nd approaches. that day is the day i am flying back to Malaysia, leaving NZ behind. i thank God for the opportunity to come here and enjoy myself, being gay and free. it's a very liberating experience really. my close friends know that i'm a rainbow sister.
but after two years of bliss the dreadful journey of going back to my closet is just painful to think about. i'll have to be careful of what i said and it's just not me that is living in kl. i don't really mind laying low and be good but i surely won't be doing that for too long.
i have great plans but i hope it will be a reality. really pray for it. and of course still dreaming of a cute beary intelligent boyfriend haha. in the meantime, it's great to know a fellow friend who's in the same situation with me (Ivan), so we are going back to the wardrobe together. hopefully we can escape before it's too late.
really hope that this is not the last time i'll ever see nz. like some other people who made predictions in my life, i'll be back again. this time for good.
this week is a mixed feeling one. On Friday, i brought some of my friends to check out thier first gay bar, well its Family of course. songs were alright and there was a cute small baldie checking me out but i dun wanna be too flashy of my alternative lifestyle so have to give it a miss. hate it when i care more about how people felt rather than what i want.
then My friend Ivan and I went out to Family the second time. some dancing. saw James but decided i dun have to go begging for his attention. so the night ended pretty early.
came sunday night and after finished most of my assignment, i went out again to Family, there is some show going on but i have no idea when it starts. and i was by myself, Ivan and Alli blew me off, both assignment fatigue. thinking of calling it an early night i went back. was just surfing the net before i hit the bed when i was hailed by a guy from NZ dating. before i knew it i was at his place at Newton and got some. then i came back at the early morning, caught some sleep and write this post.
guy's name is Josh, pretty soft type to me but boy aint he gentle in bed. pretty agressive yet gentle with me. i had great time. it was great that he was good. was on dry spell for a while. a good sex always cheers things out.
I am feeling the cringe in the stomach as december 2nd approaches. that day is the day i am flying back to Malaysia, leaving NZ behind. i thank God for the opportunity to come here and enjoy myself, being gay and free. it's a very liberating experience really. my close friends know that i'm a rainbow sister.
but after two years of bliss the dreadful journey of going back to my closet is just painful to think about. i'll have to be careful of what i said and it's just not me that is living in kl. i don't really mind laying low and be good but i surely won't be doing that for too long.
i have great plans but i hope it will be a reality. really pray for it. and of course still dreaming of a cute beary intelligent boyfriend haha. in the meantime, it's great to know a fellow friend who's in the same situation with me (Ivan), so we are going back to the wardrobe together. hopefully we can escape before it's too late.
really hope that this is not the last time i'll ever see nz. like some other people who made predictions in my life, i'll be back again. this time for good.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
about getting laid and feeling depressed
I came back from Muddy Farmer. My brother said I look tired and ought to get some sleep. I feel like I want to cry really. Will tell the entire story.
It was Saturday night and I just finished working at Eden Park for a rugby game. Shame on the Auckland team for losing so badly to the Welli folks. Marty asked me if I am free to take him to Family, me being a nice guy and quite enjoy the prospect of being somebody’s senior really agreed to.
We went to Family, people are getting more as we entered the place. I found myself looking at this older guy who seemed to capture my eyes despite his forty-looking looks. He seemed to look back at me with the same eyes as well, but I did not pursue it further as I have Marty with me. Then we left Family to check out other places. We first head across the road to Fluffy, to our horror of not seeing anybody there at all, pretty shocking. The dancefloor was empty. We then took off to Urge, the Auckland bear bar. and the moment I entered the place I have to take down my spectacles as the surrounding was really warm. It was full house at the small and cramped Urge so the temperature was pretty warm in there. Then we walk back along K’rd to NV, and find some interesting atmosphere there. Finally we head back to family for some dancing and also to watch the Drag show.
The drag show was alright. The first song about taking a dump was not really that funny and it’s disgusting. The next song was ‘chain reaction’ so it was good. There was another song but I can’t remember. Then we danced for a while before I sent Marty back. I decided to head into Family again trying my luck on the guy I was looking just now. I went in gave him a look but there’s no response from him. I went to dance and found myself having some fun with a guy whom I believe to be Andre. He kinda blew me off a couple of times and I have given up contacting him. He seemed drunk or high cause I was feeling him up without him giving back any responses at all. He did not even look at me. Well he then drifted off somewhere and I was about to follow him and make sure he is alright. But then the guy whom I was eying decided to approach me and chat me up. So forget about Andre.
His name is James and to my surprise he is from Wales, as I was just studying a bout Welsh English three weeks ago. He bought me a drink and we had a chat. Then we went into the dance floor and had a dance. Was quite fun feeling him up and kissing him.
Then I decided to call it a night and he walked me home. I brought him up to my apartment for a cup of coffee. We had a chat but we didn’t make up. But we planned to see each other for lunch tomorrow.
So come tomorrow and we had lunch at Nando’s. then it’s off to his place for some action. It was alright. I have not been getting nailed for a while so the experience was not too comfortable but at least I came. He came like half an hour later after I came. He looked alright though the body was a bit off. He is also incredibly smooth for a white guy too. Oh btw he’s 42 years old (I know).
We parted ways when I walked back to catch some nap and him to Foodtown for grocery shopping. I was feeling pretty sad throughout the day, even when I went to church and also meet up with some French travellers who are hanging out with my brother.
I think the stress and loneliness is slowly eating me away. I am not happy and I am in perennial state of worry and also stressed out. I am a bit lonely and also disappointed by all the guys who never seemed to contact me for anything after them showing interest at the beginning. Even with James too I feel bad cause I know this would not lead to nowhere. He’s too old and I am just really sick of chasing guys after guys. I refused to talk to my mom because I don’t want to blurt out the whole not having enough money issue. So I am help to myself. Probably I should pray but God doesn’t really help me much these days. Gosh I am feeling miserable.
I hate feeling depressed.
It was Saturday night and I just finished working at Eden Park for a rugby game. Shame on the Auckland team for losing so badly to the Welli folks. Marty asked me if I am free to take him to Family, me being a nice guy and quite enjoy the prospect of being somebody’s senior really agreed to.
We went to Family, people are getting more as we entered the place. I found myself looking at this older guy who seemed to capture my eyes despite his forty-looking looks. He seemed to look back at me with the same eyes as well, but I did not pursue it further as I have Marty with me. Then we left Family to check out other places. We first head across the road to Fluffy, to our horror of not seeing anybody there at all, pretty shocking. The dancefloor was empty. We then took off to Urge, the Auckland bear bar. and the moment I entered the place I have to take down my spectacles as the surrounding was really warm. It was full house at the small and cramped Urge so the temperature was pretty warm in there. Then we walk back along K’rd to NV, and find some interesting atmosphere there. Finally we head back to family for some dancing and also to watch the Drag show.
The drag show was alright. The first song about taking a dump was not really that funny and it’s disgusting. The next song was ‘chain reaction’ so it was good. There was another song but I can’t remember. Then we danced for a while before I sent Marty back. I decided to head into Family again trying my luck on the guy I was looking just now. I went in gave him a look but there’s no response from him. I went to dance and found myself having some fun with a guy whom I believe to be Andre. He kinda blew me off a couple of times and I have given up contacting him. He seemed drunk or high cause I was feeling him up without him giving back any responses at all. He did not even look at me. Well he then drifted off somewhere and I was about to follow him and make sure he is alright. But then the guy whom I was eying decided to approach me and chat me up. So forget about Andre.
His name is James and to my surprise he is from Wales, as I was just studying a bout Welsh English three weeks ago. He bought me a drink and we had a chat. Then we went into the dance floor and had a dance. Was quite fun feeling him up and kissing him.
Then I decided to call it a night and he walked me home. I brought him up to my apartment for a cup of coffee. We had a chat but we didn’t make up. But we planned to see each other for lunch tomorrow.
So come tomorrow and we had lunch at Nando’s. then it’s off to his place for some action. It was alright. I have not been getting nailed for a while so the experience was not too comfortable but at least I came. He came like half an hour later after I came. He looked alright though the body was a bit off. He is also incredibly smooth for a white guy too. Oh btw he’s 42 years old (I know).
We parted ways when I walked back to catch some nap and him to Foodtown for grocery shopping. I was feeling pretty sad throughout the day, even when I went to church and also meet up with some French travellers who are hanging out with my brother.
I think the stress and loneliness is slowly eating me away. I am not happy and I am in perennial state of worry and also stressed out. I am a bit lonely and also disappointed by all the guys who never seemed to contact me for anything after them showing interest at the beginning. Even with James too I feel bad cause I know this would not lead to nowhere. He’s too old and I am just really sick of chasing guys after guys. I refused to talk to my mom because I don’t want to blurt out the whole not having enough money issue. So I am help to myself. Probably I should pray but God doesn’t really help me much these days. Gosh I am feeling miserable.
I hate feeling depressed.
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