To be or not to be

i was bored soi went to you tube and searched for some videos to watch. i was watching a few coming out story and once again i was thrown into the dilemma of coming out.

i always know that i am diffrent somewhat. my obsession with penis began even when i was a kid. i sneek on my dad's and my grandad's just see how it is like. i get turned on whenever a guy is half naked in the TV show. i keep that all to myself. the gay self has always been in me,waiting for me to grow up and to realize that as a fact.

well the reality kicked in when i was twelve. i was 'in love' with this school teacher of mine and i even cried knowing that i will not see him again as i am moving to middle school. later throughout the years i have ended up having 'crushes' on so many guys, from school seniors, to celebrities and teachers and the last one is a lecturer whom i get myself really close to. it pains me to know that deep inside i could not love a woman. i can only love a man as a man and of course it is a total abomination.

i really doubt if i can ever come out and admit that i am gay. there are too many reasons why i should not do that. forst of all it will break my parents hearts. they are prejudiced of gays and they think gays are sick and disgusting. How would they feel if their son is actually one of those sick guys too? Few years back i have embaced Catholicism and i love my faith too much to let it go. Catholic church never ackowledge that being gay is sinful but to act out the feelings that you are gay is wrong. Being gay is a calling to celibate and to devote yourself to God's work. well that sound very holy but i do not think i will take that as a option. why must i be denied a life of pleasure just because i am so different from others? All these are such a dilemma that i sometimes worried of my future even by just thinking about it. i know myself too well that i will not force myself to do something that i would not do and i doubt that i will actually marry a girl and start a family just because it is the right thing to do in the eyes of the society. i might stay single and died alone, or i could discern my calling of becoming a priest or a La Salle brother (i dun know why i like that order anyway), or i could migrate somewhere (Canada) and start a newlife and embrace the gay part of me. io have many options but i still have the luxury of procrastination. i can keep it aside until i graduate and start working. then i will know better what i need to do with my life i guess.

Sigh* its hard being me, really.

Milton Henry

gosh men, i wasat school today and i think i am falling in love woth the literacy tutor name Milton henry. gosh he is so cute. wonder how he felt if he finds out that his students is having a cruch on him.

i dont know why but i was captivated by his height, his gentleness, and his eyes, oh those pair of eyes that speak of enthusiasm and love. i love his voice and his shirt. goodness this is becoming my obsession. this is not healthy. Am i gonna live like this for the rest of my life, loving or being obsessed with a man one after another?

today i went back to my room and actually cried. there was this surge of pain in my heart and i dont know how to romove it. it pains me so much that i need to cry it out to alleviate the pain. Guess that's the pain of being in the closet. you know you are gay but you cant express it.

now i wonder whether if he googles his name he would end up at my blog. then he can start guessing who the heck he is that admires him in silence. i am sure he would have a hard time finding that out.